Suggestions For Women To Respond To Pickup Lines "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." He: So what do you do for a living? She: Female impersonator. "Is this seat empty?" "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." "So, wanna go back to my place?" "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" "It's in the phone book." "But I don't know your name." "That's in the phone book too." "What sign were you born under?" "No Parking." "I know how to please a woman." "Then please leave me alone." "Haven't we met before?" "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic." "I want to give myself to you." "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." "I can tell that you want me." "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave." "Hey, baby, What's your sign?" "Stop." "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" "Sorry, I don't date outside my species." "May I see you pretty soon?" "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?" "Your body is like a temple." "Sorry, there are no services today." "I'd go through anything for you." "Good! Let's start with your bank account." "I would go to the end of the world for you." "Yes, but would you stay there?" "Your place or mine?" "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." After hearing a pickup line: I like your approach, now let's see your departure. If you are looking at a girl and she says "What are you looking at?" say "I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken." He: Would you like to dance? She: Not with you. He: Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did. He: Do you wanna dance? She: Yeah but not with you! He: You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants! Q: Does beauty run in your family? A: It obviously doesn't in yours! Q: What's your name sexy? A: Taken! Q: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again? A: Yeah, but this time don't stop! Q: I think you're the best looking girl in here. A: Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then, hadn't I! He: Your legs go clear up to your a**. She: Most peoples' do! Q: Can I buy you a drink? A: Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too! "You look like a dream." Response: "Go back to sleep." He: What`s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar? She: What`s it like being the biggest liar in the world? "I can see forever in your eyes." Response: "But all I can see is never in yours." "I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included." Response: "Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk."
Dumb Girl: Mum! I'm pregnant! Mum: What!?! I told you before, when a guy tries to get touch you at the upper body(private parts), shout "DON'T!". When a guy tries to touch you at your lower body(private parts), immediately shout "STOP!!". Why didn't you do that??! Dumb girl: I did! When my new boyfriend did both of them simultaneously I did as you told!!! * Ps due to ToU I have to censor lots of parts away and replace with private parts.
No matter how bad things might seem , they cant get any better , they cant get any worse , cause thats the way things Fuckin are so you better get used to it nancy , quit your bitchen LOVE IT
9 Things I Hate About Everyone 1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor! 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 8. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer? 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children. Your daughter, Judith PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
10 best excuses when you get caught falling asleep on your desk: 10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!" 7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?" 4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 3. "The coffee machine is broken..." 2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.... 1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
LITTLE TONY ON MATH Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY. "But that's right !" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?" "What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father. "That's what I said !"
Truths for Mature Humans 1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we call just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again. 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever. 15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? **** it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? 16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. 17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with alcohol than Kay. 20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it. 22. I would rather try to carry over 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. 23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text. 24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year? 29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. 30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists. 31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my *** everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!