I walked back into the club, my eyes stopped at the floor across from me, the woman from the newspaper; miss mysterious was standing there in front of me. Her honey brown skin showing in the red lights, her face serious and her red curly hair bouncing. It was enough to make a man fall in love, "miss, may I ask you a few questions?" She turned her head to me, "oh, I suppose" her voice serious and indifferent matched her attitude well, "did you happen to see the killer?" "No, I didn't see anything out of the ordinary, I did hear gun shots but I was in the back getting a water. I hid beside it until I was sure it was over." Her voice smooth, indifferent would make you want to believe her but she was a suspect for one reason; the lipstick, the color she was wearing matched the stain on the mans neck. "Are we finished? I have business to attend," she spoke pronouncing the words clearly, "no, I need to get your name," she smiled innocently, "Star, just call me Star," she was stern in her tone but I wasn't easily fooled.
This story's not bad. I just have two things to suggest. 1.) Start a new paragraph when there's a new speaker. 2.) You use a LOT of run-on sentences. Maybe find some way to fix it?
The woman didn't leave me much to work with to search her, she left me her dancer name and that was all. She left before I could I ask for her real name, but was the chances of her giving it out? Possibly one in a million. I couldn't force her to give me her real name and everyone else in the club only knew her as Star, no one I talked to knew her real name. Police officer Randall came in the joint to tell me I could return home, I told him thank you as he followed me outside. "If anything comes up I'll give ya a call, Jack," Randall manly patted my back as I started for my car, "thanks," I called back to him. I had questions scrambling around in my brain the whole entirety of the drive back to my condo. I wanted answers and wanted them now, but, waiting for that phone call was all I could do. The lady in red AKA 'Star' was my main suspect, the lipstick gave it away but I couldn't take that bit of evidence and run with it. How many other women wore red lipstick? I'm sure that answer was in the thousands and in this state alone I'm sure there were hundreds.
'Star's POV.. "Flora, I can't, I just can't go out there anymore. People are looking for me and there's no way I'm coming clean." I broke down in front of her, Flora had been my best friend since high school, she knew me better than I knew myself. "But you have to! It's the law, you know what you did and you're not proud of it. I can see that, but Chanel you gotta let go of the past." Flora spoke assuringly, I knew she was right but I wasn't the type who generally liked jail time, orange jumpsuits were not my color. "Yeah, well you know what? Police can shove their handcuffs so far up their -" Flora cut me off before I could finish, "Chanel, calm down, you're better than this, I've known you for too long!" She moved her position on the hotel bed to face me. "As I look at it now, I haven't done one thing wrong. I will continue to do it until I know I'm safe." I sighed in desperation, it had to be done and I would take them out one by one even if it kills me. There are more characters to come, more conflicts and more trials and tribulations. Do you like other POV's or just one? What do you guys think so far? Could 'Star' be the killer or is she talking about something else? Who are you rooting for in this story now and do you think you'll continue to root for them as this story unfolds?
Thanks for the feedback, guys! It really means a lot that so many people love my stories! I love writing stories and seeing people's reactions. Knowing that they can feel the emotion that the characters feel is just a great feeling to me. what do you guys really think of this story? Is it good?
Jackson's POV I was starting to believe this girl never left her house with so much of her information and life kept secret it was going to be hard finding anything out about her. Once I returned home I powered down and shut off the laptop. I walked up the carpeted stairs to my bedroom placing my belongings on the small table adjacent from my bed beside the window. I hung my trench coat up in the closet and went to shower. I turned on the hot water, waiting for it to heat up I got my toothbrush ready along with my mouthwash, setting them beside the sink. I stepped in and let the stress wash out of me from the relaxing hot water. I studied the homicide in my head over and over as I showered but nothing concrete hit me. I was at a loss on this case, it was going to be hard to crack, it was like walking in a pitch black room trying to find light. I grabbed the towel from the towel rack wrapping it around my waist. I brushed my teeth diligently before using my mouthwash. I walked into my neighboring bedroom going to the closet to set out my clothes for the following morning. I had my hopes set high on the phone call about the DNA on the lipstick for tonight but nothing came through. I was anxious for the results but knew it would take time before I would get my first secured lead on this crazy case.
I will have an update after while, I'm babysitting my nephew today but I'll be working on the update all day so it will be a long one you wonderful readers