I actually really like the idea of this. Perhaps I'm the only one having this problem, but I'm a bit confused. The main character seems to think her friend is being extremely creepy but then at the same time makes excuses for things (like the splatters on the door), or even continue to talk to him. I'd like if you made how she felt towards him clearer, or became a bit more consistent/realistic with how she acts towards him. Also, I see that you were eager to kind of show us what the story would be about early, and this is all preference, but I hope that you slow down with the progression of your story.
Ah thank you cin ^^ Shana, nice to see you out of hiding. Hallo Imani child ^^ gracias And thank you Roy, I'll make sure I work on my progression and clarity. ^^; I have homework through the week until Friday so I'll make sure I can try and write something or attempt to TT^TT
Alright like Roy said I should probably slow it down and do some explaining And since I have shitty work to do all week and until my bullshitter summer is over I will be doing that with occasional large updates and crap Have some emotional past and stuff Chapter four: A needed mental reality check. I didn't know what I was doing, or what I agreed to do with him. I didn't know I had it in me to accept to be a a crazy, maniac surgeon with my best friend, or boyfriend, or whatever! I think I should start going to my psychiatrist again. I remembered I went after I was fishing as a kid and-God, shittiest memory ever... My psychiatrist helped fix me, y'know? There's only so much that was building up that led to me going to one. But now? It wasn't guilt, or anything eating the little soul I had. It was more of piling milligrams of guilty pleasure, not just guilt. I didn't care anymore, or maybe just got tired of being normal. And just.. Lost control. I'm sorry if I sound unclear, or insane. It's just the awful flashback.. ----------------------- Brenden's first fishing trip–and a visit to the psychiatrist. ----------------------- I was nine. It hurt, so much...and I didn't know why. I couldn't follow directions well enough. I was just.. Stupid. "Okay Brenden, just use one finger to hold down the string, and use the four other to hold on to the pole. Use your other hand onto the pole, as well." "Okay mommy!" I swung it. I saw the Canadian geese, and I saw them swim closer. I didn't think it'd happen. I saw the goose struggle in the water, and the line's string ran through my fingers and burned me severely. He swam on land, and around the tree, fell over and died. I thought he'd be okay. I then a minute passed. Three minutes passed. He did not move, and it had been five minutes. I dropped my pole and I cried. I began sobbing, running towards the water fowl. I screamed, pulling it into my arms. My mother pulled me away from it, and I screamed. "I-I'm sorry ducky! I'm sorry!" I was sobbing and just going off with screaming and apologies. "Honey, honey it's okay.. You didn't mean it.." "Jennifer, take her home." My dad said, and sighed. I wouldn't talk, for a long amount of time. My mother decided she needed to take me to a special doctor. The doctor's name was Ms.Bloom. I sat down in the small chair, and she smiled a bit, and exhaled happily. "Hello Brenden." I waved, and she glanced down at her clipboard. She asked me to speak and I nodded. I opened my mouth, and I croaked out. "Hello Miss Bloom." "Ah, your voice is very low, since you've spoken almost never. It's okay, though." I nodded, aching a bit in my chest. "Would you like to explain what happened when that incident happened. When the—" "Yes, yes, I know," I said, the monotone in my voice clear. "I'll explain." "Go on when you're ready, dearie." She looked at me over her glasses, smiling. "I was just fishing, and I threw the line and it.. It.. Caught on a goose.. And I.. He died from it." She nodded. "How did you feel?" "Bad.. Horribly bad, like I just died on the inside and was burned." "Ah.. How did you respond to this happening?" "I cried. For a long time, Miss Bloom." "Ah. Dear, I think I need to talk to your parents. Would you please step out of the room?" I nodded, and stepped out. That's all I could remember from our visits. ------------------------------- Okay, I need to try and just explain what the fuck's been going on. Felix and I.. We've been friends since second grade. I guess sharing of crayons made us friends. In sixth grade we got made fun of because the semi-popular girls thought we were dating, or Felix liked me. I mean I knew he did. I wasn't that stupid. I just thought maybe, just maybe being platonically in a relationship forever would be okay. But nowadays, I don't know. I've changed a bit, and now.. So maybe I.. I like a murderous psychopath now, which a psychiatrist is needed for. I mean I can't tell names, but I really need to talk to someone. Both of my parents need me to take care of myself. I really can't believe myself anymore. Yes, I, Brenden Kenzie Wilhite am in love with someone who takes people, kills them and alters other's looks with those body parts, and likes me back. It was an idle promise he made me, and.. he did it. And I promised I'd pay him back, and he told me how to do so. I find it, every bit of it to vent my insanity to someone professional, meanwhile doing unprofessional malpractice I haven't even met before with someone I truly care about. I believe I have taken the train of normal, and driven it into the train station of insanity. And I'm not leaving for a long time. I'm keeping an idle promise for this boy, a promise I'll get in trouble for. A promise we both made, and won't ever break. Ever.
Brilliantkeep on going at your own pace It's starting to get a bit confusing, and rushed. I still love it. keep on doing what your doing. And slow down a bit keep us full of suspenseand captivated.
AUGHHH I hate making my readers feel rushed D:::; *cries in a corner* Like I said I think I'll just be doing fillers and crap And for that update, as a beautiful fact, that shit with the goose literally just happened today and I haven't spoken in like, 7 hours. Speaking of its almost freaking midnight Goodnight my children
That's horrible about the goose. Fillers are fine, as long as you keep them relevant to the story line/characters as a whole. I'll be waiting for the next part.
I literally swear I died a little on the inside Roy D: And if I start rushing again, do tell me so when it ends it isn't within like the seventh page I'll try posting a detail filler today but I'm at work so e-e
Hahaha, yeah. One of my earliest stories finished very quickly, and that sort of taught me to draw things out. Eventually you'll find a nice pace to settle with.
I'd hate to make any of you feel like it's going way too fast Anyway I managed in which I think is a shitty filler but hey I wrote it :'D enjoy And yes I did all this on purpose Chapter five: Takes down Memory Lane. Maybe it'd just be easier if I explained everything, as if it was a journal. Y'know, so there isn't confusion as to all of this. Personally, Felix probably lost it in sixth grade, when we'd dissect things. Before we go in a failing timeline, I'll explain things from the beginning till now. Maybe then you'll understand why, and how I became best friends with a sociopath. ------------------ Every grade, we had a friendship milestone that brought us together even closer. It all started with second grade. My fluffy brown hair—yes, it was a normal color at some point in time—was pulled back in pigtails, and I was coloring. Felix was coloring, and I'm not sure what it was. Whether it was little teases from the other jackasses in school, or just personal issues, but as he colored, he pressed on the crayons. He just kept applying pressure, and it broke. Every color he used, anger said "hey, screw you," and it broke. He started to cry, and I hugged him without talking. He blinked, and I put my crayon box in between our desk tops. "Can I use them?" I nodded, still unable to speak. My mom told me in school I have to stay quiet, or at some point in time I'd get in trouble. To my teacher I looked anti-social all up to this time I guess. "Thank you! Uh.. Brenda?" I croaked,"It's Brenden. You're Felix." He nodded, and hugged my arm. I don't know what it was about this boy, but it had picked at my mind for a long time. I didn't understand how someone took teasing and never just cracked. Personally, that'd be my response to it all. Anger can't be held in, but it can. Felix wouldn't ever talk unless he was called on, or something like that. From there I was curious. The next day I asked about the crayons. "Hey Felix?" "Yeah Brenden?" "Why'd ya break your crayons?" "I didn't mean it," he whined. He was a liar as soon as those words escaped his mouth. "I pressed too hard on my crayons again." "But you didn't break mine!" "Because you're my friend, and I don't break friend's crayons." He stated proudly. I blinked, smiling. Chapter one of our friendship is explained. Third grade. In third grade, on field day is the next chapter. The asphalt was covered in water, bugs were constantly jumping around in the field's grass, it was just horrible. That year, Felix and I ended up in the same home room. Our class had just finished the jump ropes, in which we had to hold a container of water over our heads, and get it all over ourselves. You all remember what those rhymes were like, when you jumped? "Cinderella, dressed in yella, went outside to kiss a fella, and by mistake, she kissed a snake, how many doctors did it take?" Yeah, it was something like that. My memory is foggy, but in the boys' version of it, it was something about ice cream and pop and girlfriend's first initials. Felix would always land on B, and that was just an observation after being bored and it wasn't my turn to go jump roping. On this field day, Felix tripped and scraped up his whole shin area, and cried for a long time. "Oh dear! Can someone help Felix to the nurse's office?" I stood there, and Felix looked at me. He pointed and manage to speak through his sobs,"I want Brenden to help me." The teacher nodded, quickly and sloppily threw a filled out nurse's pass at me as I helped Felix up and he walked on one leg to the office. Generally, this still brought us together. I kept this memory only because he picked me. Fourth grade. This was the year Felix and I were tied together and became best friends. This was the year I accidentally killed the goose, and had a minor heart attack. In school I wouldn't talk, and it scared Felix. Whenever he tried to talk to me, I wrote my response on a paper and gave it to him. I'm sure he still has those papers somewhere in that meat locker house of his, but this year he got me to talk for the whole class. My teacher thought I had a mental disability that had brought me to not speak, but as usual, she was wrong and my parents told her why I wouldn't talk. But the one day everyone was there, Felix walked up to the teacher, and asked her something. From my desk I tilted my head and mouthed words with no voicing. "Alright class, Felix would like to do something." Our teacher's voice cracked. I blinked, like the confused kid I was. The teacher, Mr.Macknimara had small tears in his eyes, and so did Felix. "Okay everybody, something very bad happened to Brenden before we started school, and she hasn't spoken in a while. Can we get her to talk?" Everyone turned to look at me, frowning. "On three, every body repeat after me, okay?" There were a few yeses, and nods and ok's. "Talk Brenden talk!" It was repeated. Everyone just kept chanting it, and my parents and Ms.Bloom walked in the room. I wanted to be quiet forever, but it was to make Felix happy. If he didn't make me talk to him or just in general, he'd pass out in a coma I figured. I coughed, and let out a few words. "Hi.." Ms.Bloom's sea blue eyes were on me, a smile on her face that I finally talked to everyone that didn't hear me. My parents hugged each other and began to cry. Felix ran over to my desk and hugged me tightly, smiling. I smiled a little, hugging him. Later that month, we were voted for students of the month. He was proud of us, my teacher, I mean. Fifth grade. Fifth grade was normal. We did the wax museum together, we did Princess Grace. There wasn't anything too special about it, just two best friends doing a special project. In our project I had to dress up and he had to hold the bloody paper for me to memorize when kids in lower grades pressed the button. It was just a piece of paper. And that was it. Nothing cool about that grade. ---------- Sixth grade changed a lot. I.. I think I should go. Ms.Bloom and I are going to meet and I'm going to talk about all this, but.. It's best if I recollect it all, just by myself.
I really liked this chapter. It didn't feel rushed and made Brendens feelings a bit clearer. It really helps the understanding of the friendship and relationship between the two~ I love itBump
Oh wow. At the beginning of this chapter I was a bit unsure of the approach you were taking to telling the story (like point of view), however the end sort of sold it for me. Well done, well done indeed. I think I would love it if her sanity slowly slipped away, however I'm sure anything you have planned will be great.
My readers have a nickname Idlers Laughs at a shitty joke take the update Chapter six: Off Memory Lane and into Reality Road. I'm sitting in the office I can barely recognize from so many years ago. The pain on the walls are still a pale shade of pink, almost a salmon color. The creepy cat clocks haven't left, I see. My hair is pinned back today, as I start thumping my leg against the lame, pastel brown carpet. I watch the clock. It's 11:49 in the bloody morning. My eyes aren't keeping still, and can't watch anything for more than five seconds. I look away, and what feels like hours on extensive end, I look up and see the fucking time. It's 11:51, fucking Brenden. I groaned, and finally her door opened. An older man in a business suit was leaving, and I eyed him weirdly, because you know. Teenagers that look like me are 'destroying society'. Adult life is pretty damn weird, business man with the face and giving me a shitty facial expression. So shut up. "Ah.. Brenden? Is that you?" "Yes, y-yes Miss Bloom." I nodded, standing and dropping my bag, and leaning down, and picking it up. I felt myself perspiring. Miss Bloom arched an eyebrow at me, and yanked me into her office. "Is it the geese-" "No! Nope, no Miss Bloom. I've just...been questioning my thoughts lately." "What do you mean?" Her eyes focused on me as I laid down in a chair, looking at the ceiling. That was also pastel brown, might I add. Sure, I wear a lot of Pastel Goth garbage, but the colors, really Bloom. She was holding a pad and a familiar looking pen. "I mean, I have things popping into my head and my train of thoughts, and I'm not very appreciative of them. It bothers me." "Of course, carry on." "Okay, so what if you were an accomplice to a crazy plastic surgeon, who committed malpractice, took the body parts from his dead patients and used them on other people? And his accomplice was in love with him?" I spat my words out quickly, and to be honest, I doubt she heard them right, or if I spoke clear enough. Her eyes widened, an her dark, blonde curls fell forward as she sat up and looked down at the pad and looked at me with worry. "Is this am actual event occurring, Miss Wilhite?" "No, no, it's just a scenario I need help understanding." She shifted herself in her seat, creasing her eyebrows and smoothing the ones out in her suit. "Well, dear, I believe the accomplice and the mad scientist would both be insane and be forever locked with each other on this." I began to perspire again, looking down at my hands, and then back up at her, and I sat up, unable to sit still. I couldn't lay down, I had to sit up. I have to work my way around this. I'm not insane, no matter what that woman says. "Ah.. And if the accomplice was to leave the surgeon?" "They'd come after them, to kidnap them or kill them I believe." I gripped at the sofa, nodding. Well it was obvious that this was to happen, Felix would kill me if I betrayed him. I would never do that. "And if.. The accomplice stays?" She must think I'm nuts. Let me tell you I'm all in for denial. I'm doing what I have to do for this boy and for my life, God so help me. "May them both be damned to eternal abomination. That's just my opinion, in which you questioned for, dear." She must've seen me freaking out, so she handed me the pad. I blinked, a bit of sweat dripping on the page. I quickly wiped it away, breathing uneasily. "Brenden, I want you to take this pen and draw a clock with the time on it. Can you do that? Then you can talk to me." I nodded, drawing the clock and giving the pad back to her quickly. 12:06 was the time. "Alright, we may begin, if we're all done with sociopathic questions." "A-ah yes. I'm just worried about my friend and the way he's been acting,"I began. I wasn't going to give it all away, what did you think? I was stupid? No no. "he's been acting strange since sixth grade dissections." "And this worries you how?" Well, you stupid woman. What does dissections tell you? I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, cracking my neck to let out the stress. "It worries me that the blood and organs really got to him, you know? He can't handle blood all that well without having an issue.." "Dear," She began. Dear Lord shoot me. Not a lecture,"if you're worried, I think you should bring him in—" She kept rambling, and I drifted off, noticing her bright eyes. Felix would really like those. And she has a few perfect fingers he'd take. "Understood?" "Yes ma'am." "I want you to bring him in soon, okay? I'm glad you came in, Brenden." I stood up and nodded, giving her the twenty she earned for wasting my precious time to plan. I'm not insane, I'm just thinking for other people because they need it. Felix would be pleased with me. I mean, I'm his assistant now. He will be very happy. And I'll make sure her presence isn't missed. I took my things and left the office. 12:17. I grabbed my phone, scrolling through my contacts as I walked out the creepy building. "Hello?" "Felix, it's me, Brenden. I have a wonderful surprise for you. Are you home?"
I'm proud to be an idler That psychiatrist worries me out a bit. Then again it might be because I'm terrified of psychiatrists and therapists. I love how the stories playing out! And how things are getting interestingI wonder what the surprise is..! Can't wait for the next update, bump*