I held it together until he was safely out of hearing distance. That's when the tears came. He was my brother, my one last tie to my old life. Sometimes he was a pain in the ass, but still. I relied on having him around. Who else could be my moral compass now? Clearly Matt was done with that role now that I'm 18. Kay can't because she can't keep her head clear when it comes to boys. She is just naive about life. Any guy that so much as gave her a glance had a piece of her heart. I can't use Kaila. Even though she was supposed to be the mom she sure didn't act like it sometimes. I'll have to figure it out. Slowly wiping a tear from my face I stand up to get back to work. In the kitchen it feels like nothing had changed. No one had noticed Ryan's absence although they probably wouldn't for another day. I just needed to live through today. Live minute to minute. Sometimes that's all you need to survive. To just take each hit as it comes. I still have my family for support. I'll be fine. And then there's Matt of course. I dont know what I'd do without him really. He just made everything better. I wonder what life was like before him. We'd been friends for 7 years and dating for 3 I think. It's hard to keep track of time here in the tunnels. It's easy to keep track of daylight and season but day to day stuff was hard. Most of us just guess. Not that it really matters. As fugitives there are more important things in life like basic necessities. Gabby interrupts my train of thought by saying, "Are you done there? Dinner's in a couple minutes." I step away from the bread dough I'd been furiously kneading to get out my emotions. I let Gabby deal with putting the dough on a sheet and in the oven. Her brown hair falling in her hazel eyes. She turns back to me and asks, "Are you okay?" I just stare at her blankly unsure how to answer