I have magical long ass blonde hair and a frilly blue dress. I eat porridge from strangers not knowing or giving a single fuck if it has been poisoned or not, break babies' chairs by smashing my butt onto the seats, sink into big ass fluffy beds without a care in the world, and then get chased out of their houses once they get back. This is my living, guys. Guess who the fuck I am. :|
Oh, and not to mention I'm a 9 year old kid whose parents can't give enough shits about me because they let me into a dangerous forest occupied by talking, walking, clothing wearing animals, and by the looks of it this happens on a regular basis, because I'm too shit faced drunk or actually that stupid to pay any mind to my own safety while frolicking in open space, armless and without help. That, and I like breaking into people's houses to see what the hell they have to offer. I'm also really hard to satisfy and rude, and like to waste food and make bears cry.
Pffff, NO. Red gets kicked out of the house during winter with only a red hoodie to wear and gets sent to her grandma's carrying a bunch of food in a basket and is expected to reach her house in a few hours alone without any protection in the woods during the evening. She also talks to strangers, who are also talking animals who want some freaky deaky action, and then her grandma gets eaten by said wolf and she's dumb enough to believe that it is her grandma, and has to shriek like a hyena to get the attention of a woodsman to save her. Come on, guys. I'm way more stupider than she is.
Gretel? R u srs Her own father kicks her out of the house, her brother's stupid enough to mark the roads with bread, and then gets her ass in hot water with a fucking witch because she thinks that eating a Goddamn candy house is a logical idea ("HEY HANSEL GUESS WHAT LET'S EAT SOMEONE'S CANDY HOUSE UNTIL WE GET FAT AND PASS OUT AND GET KIDNAPPED BY PEOPLE OR WORSE EATEN BY WOLVES IN A FOREST") and has to fatten her brother up with even more candy (hell if he doesn't get diabetes) and then FINALLY gets the idea to push the witch in a damn oven after three days of crying into a bucket and a mop. I'm still dumber than the two of them combined.
Cinderella's a cynical whining bitch who keeps dreaming about a happily ever after but only does so after getting an invitation to her ball by her fairy god mother that decides to appear after so many years of letting her suffer and she's stupid enough to run away at midnight and leaving a shoe behind instead of staying and then suffers the consequences but then magically poofs out during the epic moment with the help of talking animals and then gets her ass sent back to the castle because her prince is stupid enough to forget how his dream woman looks like. STILL DUMBER.
0.0 you can't be... Goldilocks? Nah, you're actually to smart to be her .-. You have to be someone else