Sucker Punch

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by *JillianClaireOlson (01), Aug 22, 2011.

  1. Any comments? Feedback?
     
  2. I looooove it. :)
    more more more!!!



    and if you need extra spots can I be in it!? :3
     
  3. Sure! What do you want your character's name to be?
     
  4. Zoey turned around to face her best friend. It had taken her a half hour to convince Ryleigh to leave her car, and even then, she had needed the help of Zoey's brother, Travis, to even stand up.

    Zoey was about to say something, but she stopped. Ryleigh looked so...so broken. Zoey walked over and gently sat down on the bed next to Ryleigh, who was lying on her back, staring blankly up at the ceiling.

    "Ry, come on. You're SO much better off without him, sweetie," Zoey said soothingly.

    Ryleigh glared at her. "I don't WANT to be without him, Zoey!" she said angrily.

    Zoey raised an eyebrow suspiciously. Before she could say anything, Ryleigh mumbled, "I don't think I even know HOW to be without him."

    "Now THAT is pure bullshit, Ry. Any guy that doesn't even have the balls to call you and break up with you himself is not worth one, single teardrop," Zoey said, putting extra emphasis on her last three words. Flopping back on her bed, she added in a lighter tone, "Like really? What douche bag gets his whore to TEXT his girlfriend and break up with her for him!? That's low, Ry. You don't need that in your life."

    "Zo?" Ryleigh asked quietly.

    "Yeah?"

    "Do me a favor?" Ryleigh said, turning on her side to face Zoey.

    "Anything!" Zoey promised, eager to help.

    "Shut the HELL up," Ryleigh muttered.

    "Fine. You wanna sit there like a zombie? Be my guest. Meanwhile, I'm gonna get off my ass and do something!" Zoey said, getting up and grabbing her purse.

    "Kay," Ryleigh mumbled, looking back up at the ceiling.

    Zoey shook her head in disgust. "Well, someone's gotta do it, and you obviously have no plans to do, so I will," she muttered to herself as she trotted downstairs.

    Zoey found her mother in the kitchen. Her mother had her cell phone pressed to her ear. Zoey sighed loudly, in an attempt to get her mother's attention. "Suzanne," she said impatiently, after her first attempt failed.

    Her mother turned around and put her finger to her lips. "Yes, that sounds perfect, Deanne. What about the other meeting?" she asked into the phone.

    Zoey tapped her foot furiously.

    Suzanne rolled her eyes. "Hey, Dee, my daughter wants to talk to me. I'll call you back in a few minutes," she said, hanging up the phone. She stared expectantly at her daughter.

    "K, now that you're finally done, I'm leaving. Ryleigh's in my room, and I'll be back in an hour. I doubt she'll leave my room, but just...keep an eye on her, okay?" Zoey asked.

    "Where are you going?" her mother asked.

    "Don't worry about it, Suzanne," she said lightly. Then she winked and was gone.
     
  5. Kat I really wanna update this now and your character is in the next chapter so im just gonna use her original name. You can be Vannessa
     
  6. Zoey stopped at the curb and surveyed the house. A huge white mansion with red trim, a wrap-around porch and flower boxes under each window, it was the typical wealthy family house. She was about to turn into the driveway when she noticed the new, shiny, black gate at the bottom of it and the doorman standing beside it.

    Swearing under her breath, she rummaged through her purse until she found a bright red lipstick. She put it on and gazed at herself in the mirror. Something was missing...

    She searched through her glove compartment until she found a big, black pair of aviators. Putting them on, she examined herself again. Better, but not quite there yet...

    She looked at her outfit: navy blue tank top, dark denim jeans and...her trademark, dirty, black Converse.

    Unbuckling her seat belt, she twisted around in her seat and began sorting through the mess in her backseat, praying her sister, Taylor, had left her shopping bags from last week's mall trip in the car.

    Luckily, she did. Zoey found a pair of black stilettos in one of the bags and replaced them with her worn-out sneakers. Slipping the stilettos onto her feet, she smiled at herself in the rear-view mirror and pulled up to the gate.
     
  7. I already wrote the part I was gonna use for so I'll try to fit another character in
     
  8. For you* I really need to proofread haha
     
  9. Not bad at all.
     
  10. Any feedback? Even if it's negative, I'll take it!! Anything at all?
     
  11. You organize the dialogue well lol
     
  12. okay. sounds good. I'm lovin the story anyways.
     
  13. Thanks:) and actually I'm gonna use Vannessa for something else. Kat will be in the next scene:)
     
  14. I looove this Jillian!!! 
     
  15. I nuv it... You have potential to be a REAL author. 