Shelbies cousin Nana squized her hand as she tried to push the baby out, 1 week in hell is 9 months on earth. As Charlie pulls the baby out he looks at it and smiles... "Its a boy." Shelby took the baby and kissed it on his head, she prays that she won't have to put her baby in and orphanage. "I'll name him Eric Justin Rhodes...." Charlie and Nana smile. " I wish I could've known the father of my nephew more.." Nana sighed, it was a good but sad day.
Alright. I've only read a few pages, but I will finish the rest later as I feel the need to point certain things out. First, I'll point out some grammar and spelling mistakes. Your paragraphs seem alright with only a few mistakes, but your dialog is where most of the mistakes are. You sometimes forget the . or you forget to caps the first letter of the sentence. You also mistake commonly mistaken words like, "There, their, and they're.", and "Your, you're, and you." It might not seem like a big deal as people can clearly understand you sometimes even with the mistakes, it just seen unprofessional. Now, you use "Your" rather than "You're" sometimes. Your is expressing owership in a way. For instance, "Your shoe." Yes, it's my shoe. "Your stupid." No, I do not own stupid. Sounds kind a silly, doesn't it? "You're silly." (You are silly.) Yes, I am silly. Now, let's end our grammar and spelling lesson for a bit and move on to other aspects. Your dialogs seem a bit unrealistic. It is very unlikely the teacher would say such a thing, but it could happen and even so, I don't think someone would reply by lashing out at him so violently. There's also the matter of truly understanding the law... As much as people say America's laws are crap, I beg to differ. It is HIGHLY UNLIKELY that Eric would go to prison for murder. First, Eric needs a motive strong enough to want to kill his best friend. Than, there has to be the clues. Was there any unusually blood on the window? Or these blood splatter don't make sense? Shouldn't it be here instead of there? Does the wound on John's body looks odd for a car accident? It is so very unlikely. There's also the fact of the prison break in. That, is more unlikely. And the fact you guys managed to escape is even more unlikely. The polic van get helicopters and tons of police cars just to chase a speeding car for hours. And even with your little Aks and m16, you guys don't stand a chance against the armed policemen, helicopters and other units that will return fire at you in a blink of an eye if you do anything more stupid than to ram a car into prison, attracting all the eyes and attention of the law enforcement. Sure, prisoners have escaped before, but they escaped by remaining quiet, and not yell, "HEY, I'M GONNA ESCAPE! WOOT!" There's also the matter of guns... To be honest, the likely hood of two bestfriends of a prisoner would come up with the plan to buying guns off te black market, which means a ton of money, and than getting a van and ram it into a brick building expecting it to surivive the crash and be driveable is very creative and extremely unlikely. But I guess in a story of fanfiction, anything goes, right? Moving along, there is also the lack of descriptive words describing the character's lost of his best friend. Sure, his mom was crying...but how did the main character feel after decovering his best friend has died? Yes, I know you described his emotions in the story, but honestly, I didn't feel the full effect of how Eric truly felt. And than theres the part where he was mad at his teacher. It just seem off to me, like, he wasn't mad. He suddenly lashed out because the author said so. There was missing details there that could explain it and express his anger more. There's also the little bit in the beginning that confused me a bit. You switched first person point of view to third period within the first paragraph. Mainly, authors don't switched point of views within the first paragraph. They switch it by chapters. Theres also the lack of details, and certain parts of the story that does not fit in, or doesn't flow right. It just seems that your story flows well and than there's this sentence that throws it off. That's what you want to avoid. That's all I have for now. As I read on, I will add more to this review.
@Justin I neither said it was good or bad. It's a public forum and he asked me to review his fanfiction. Get off MY back?