Ok.... So here's some things. 1. I feel the Character Description Update was a little unneeded per say. You could've tried to weave it in to your story and made the description a lot better. 2. Try to separate dialogue from the main paragraph. Start a new paragraph every time someone new starts to talk. 3. Try to make the sentences more complex, giving the story some more depth. Overall, the story has a great plot and I'd love to see where it goes
I would recommend not switching POVs that fast, and like the others said, slow down. Let the suspense build. Add more detail. ^.^ But I still love it. Great writing.
Thanks for the advice guys. Um, please forget about the um, description update. ------------------------ I looked around. Who could've said that? I shrugged. I started to open Sapphire's backpack. I looked inside, and a smug grin slowly stretched on my face. I looked down, and saw Sapphire's eyes. Her pleading eyes. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I turned around. My eyes widened at what I saw. The principal. "Haha, very wise of you to ignore the school president's orders." He turned me around and had me face Justin. Oh, shit! I didn't recognize Justin's voice. "Aly, this is a warning."Justin turned around and walked away. "Um, if you guys don't mind I'll just-" Sapphire picked up her backpack and walked away. Justin's POV "Aly, this is a warning." I turned around and walked away. That moment was great, I stood up for Sapphire. And now I have a lot of things to do before I can get Sapphire back. A lot, but less. A lot, but less. The day seemed to go by really fast. Before I knew it, it was lunch time. I went out to the courtyard and waited for Aly. She finally came, and said, "Hey babe." Then she started climbing all over me. *GUYS, THIS IS RATED PG-13 TO RATED R, SO IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED I SUGGEST YOU SHOULD LEAVE. "Aly- ALY!" She stopped and stared. "What, babe?" "Listen, I don't want you to get hurt, but I don't love you," "Who do you love?" She demanded then put her hands on her hips. I stared into her fiery green eyes and said, "I love Sapphire" And I swear I saw Sapphire slipping back into the building. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I hope that was better. My story sucks.
I hate that I love you guys. -------------------------------------- "You love Sapphire?!" "Yes," "You love Sapphire?!" "For the second time, yes. If you say that again, I will die. Understood?" "Y-You- Yes." She hung her head, the way she usually does to make me feel really sorry for her. But she can't do that, not now. I have to find Sapphire. I said bye to Aly, and went inside the building. Sapphire's POV Oh, geez. I don't know why I even said that! I'm so happy that I tried stalking for the first time! Justin loves me! Justin loves me... "Sapphire-Sapphire, HEY!" I looked around to see who was the cause of that very loud shout. Oh, right. Justin. He appeared by my side, and I looked away from him. "Sapphire..?" He touched my arm but I moved away from him. "Don't touch me.." I whispered. Yes, I may be excited that Justin loves me. But does he know what pain he put me through? The damage he caused to my heart? Does he know he's the reason that I never want to live again? "I'm sorry," I tore away from him. "You're sorry?! YOU'RE SORRY?! TWO words Justin," "Do you have two words for me or...?" "We're DONE," "That won't be possible," "Why is that?" "Because-" I smirked. "Say it, Justin. Say those 3 words that you've never said to me," Silence. I choked on my tears, but I can't let him see my scars. "That's what I thought," I started to turn around but Justin reached out for my arm. He caught me, and spun me around until my lips were touching his. Touching. Not kissing, just touching. My lips tingled when he spoke. "I love you," "No you don't." I pulled away from him. "You never loved me." "I always loved you," "Prove it." I smirked. Silence again. I didn't walk away this time, just looked at him. He looked at the ground sheepishly, and bent down on his knees. He took a box out of his pocket. "I loved you, with all my heart. It's the only thing that I can succeed at," I smirked on the last line, but he kept going. "You are my heart and soul, the only reason why I'm living," "Don't you have air?" I interrupted him. He hung his head. "You are trying to ruin a very romantic moment!" "Oops, sorry. You may continue," "As I was saying, before you rudely interrupted was that you are the only reason why I'm living, the only reason why in breathing. I love you, but I don't know how to say it. Wait.." He stopped and considered for a moment. "I just said it so now the poem's over." He took the tiny box and I gasped when I saw what was inside. It was a... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ha! Cliffhanger! Payback. Haha guys. Can you keep bumping for me? I found the story on page three. Oh well. Make a new update maybe tomorrow!