A man had "I LOVE YOU" tattooed on his ( can't write the word sorry). He went home and proudly showed his wife. "There you go again, trying to put words into my mouth", she said.
A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you." She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?" The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome Teed Off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be all right... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in a fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted: and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "How does that feel?" she asked. "It feels great." He replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell!".
Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his little peewee. Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?" Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
Three men were taking a trip on a plane. When they get on the pilot tells the passengers not to throw anything out of the windows. The plane lifts off and they're on their way. On the plane the first man finds a pencil and wondering what to do with it. He is told by one of the other men to throw it out the window, so he does. Then the second guy finished his apple and wondering how to get rid of the core. He asks the other two men, they tell him to throw it out the window, so he does. Next the third man finds a grenade! Panicking he throws it out the window. After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said he had looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit him in the eye. So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says that he was walking down the street and an apple core fell on his head! Feeling a little strange the men continue down the street when they come across a man holding his stomach lauging his head off! The three ask him what's so funny? The man replies, I farted and that building exploded!
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window. He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. 'Do you know what I am doing?' asks the doctor. To which she replies, 'Yes, checking for abnormalities.' He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, 'Do you know what I am doing now?', she replies, 'Yes, checking for cancer.' Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her down on the table, gets on top of her and starts making love to her. He says to her, 'Do you know what I am doing now?' She replies, 'Yes, getting herpes, that's why I'm here!'
A great scientist developed a bra that stops woman's boobs from bouncing while running or nipples showing when wet. His colleagues killed him!
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."
A panda walks into a bar and meets a female. They both get drunk together and ends up going back to the females house. The next morning the panda suddenly goes to leave without saying a word. "What are you doing", The woman said. "Doing as the dictionary told me to. Look it up" Replied the panda. So she did. Panda: Eats bush and leaves.
*Knock, Knock* - Bandit Ben "Who's there?" - Freddy "Hand" - Bandit Ben "Hand who?" - Freddy "Hand-over your money!" - Bandit Ben -Best Joke 2017
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. The cashier asks, "What size?" The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes." "Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?" "Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers. The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his manhood by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When the they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?" The man replies, "To hell with the rubbers, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"