A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, 'Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!' The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, 'Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!' The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, 'Go ahead!'
Did you hear the new and politically correct name for 'lesbian'. It has been changed to 'vagitarian'.
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.'' ''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny. ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having beep with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of *
A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35." He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches." Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night." Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street. The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a rip-roaring fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oops! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, " If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!
Sophia just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophia. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luigi took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophia ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Sophia", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luigi took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophia ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luigi took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luigi took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophia saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
Have you tried spraying coke on flowers and blooming buds , it kills all pests bugs worms and a few fungal infection .......I did on my plants and it worked very very well
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling. "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply. "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out." He carefully got himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared in to the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big smile on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly. "You're ever so clever," said the baby girl, "but how can you tell?" "It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."