Ali POV (Ugh, this fricking bed is so uncomfortable. Ok yesterday was creepy, seems like two people will die everyday...but-but no it won't be me, I'm strong and quick on my feet, they can't ever get me) I look around the room and smile to everyone. "Well, when's breakfast?!?!" Tristan throws a pillow at me and I laugh as well as some others
Bella POV (Wow, these people really don't seem scared, well what can I say, I'm not so scared considering...) I stare at each one of their faces, trying to figure out who's the easiest target, hmmm maybe I can befriend the strongest. But anyway, I keep looking at them and spot Matt staring, but Tanner quickly hits his shoulder and he stares at Maria. These people....I feel like....
Fan POV I can't fricking believe I was in a dress, never have I ever worn a dress and never again shall I. Everyone seems so scared in a way, I think I can take them all on, nothing scares me, except for that guy....I roll my eyes and stretch then stand up and stretch again "well if we play paintball, ur all dead" Tanner says "oh yeah sweetie, it's on" we all laugh but I roll my eyes at him, he's not that amazing....
Matt POV Well yesterday was quiet....a scene....I'm thinking I have a pretty good chance of staying alive, just as long as no girl comes in the way. I look over at everyone then flip my hair. "Well to break the awkward, did ANYONE sleep at ALL?!" everyone shakes their head laughing "alright good cause my back hurts like crazy" Zach says with a creepy smile "want me to crack it for u, bro?!?!" everyone laughs and my eyes widen "umm I'm good dude"
Game Controller POV The big screen drops down and everyone has their eyes on me, clears throat "Good morning, I hope you all slept well. I did hope that Linda would cooperate but she's....in a better place (creepy laugh) well before another game starts I want you all to have a little something special to eat....enjoy my precious Matt (evil laugh and screen goes back up)
Story Plot Men who look only like shadows appear out of no where with trays off food that r covered by a silver dome shaped thingy(sorry lol). They set one in front of us and then lift it revealing: grapes, a piece of white bread, and a little box of apple juice. We all stare at it, jaws dropped and and eyes wide like frogs
Everyone POV We all pick at our food, some eating big bites and other picking small pieces. We chat amongst ourselves, about our lives and what not, however there are some very interesting stories......
Ermmm...to give critique. 1) descriptive words. I know you described the people in the beginning already, but there a lot of people so your readers may not have remembered it. Also describe the other objects in the surroundings. 2) use paragraphs. Especially in between conversations. It makes the update longer and it's easier to read. 3) punctuation and grammar. Don't forget to use quotation marks ("") and comas, etc. It's very very important. 4) spelling. Instead of saying "no" you can say "know" and things like that so your readers won't get confused. 5) don't leave any loose threads. You should elaborate more on how so and so died. I didn't even notice they died until someone commented. 6) Give it some drama! Don't make it so stereotypical! 7) make the updates longer. Sometimes, if people give a long comment, (even though it isn't that long) it can be mistaken for an update. Make it longer. With description.
Story Plot Once everyone is done, everyone has their eyes on one particular person who's life seemed to be a hurricane...yet they quickly looked down at their plates and the food was gone, the room immediately starts spinning and every flies off their beds onto the floor, some hitting walls, the room spins for a long minute but soon stops...we seem to end up in what looks like the old west, and yes u guessed it, intriguing costumes
Ok lol thanx for the critic, I'll try and use some, not like being all defensive, just keep reading, u have to know me to understand how my stories turn out