It was on page 2... Now on page 3 ... It should be higher up on the list I'll bump it to page one... Pls update soon, LOVE IT! BUMP!!
Ok. Let me be the first to give constructive criticism (I'm quite frankly getting tired of all the bumps. And no help) let me start by saying I'm really enjoying the story. The setting is there, the description for characters is there. And you already stated a problem that I'm felling is creeping up into view within each chapter. You could, though, always use a more varied word choice. Sometimes the broadest words are not the best way to describe something. Also, you could add a little more detail to the events that happen. The goal is to paint a picture in the readers mind. In my mind is a almost complete masterpiece that needs a few touches of detail to complete a full fledge masterpiece. In conclusion, it is good and as a new fan of the story cannot wait for the next update.
Thank you!!' I will keep those things in mind! Dear readers, I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING SO FAST! I have had so much on the go! But I will get it too you guys VERY SOON! Yay!
It's fine by me. Just don't do what I did and completely forget about it for a summer and stop because you lost your whole idea for the story
OK GUYS GUESS WHAT? THE LONG WAIT IS OVER!!!!! I FINISHED CHAPTER 5! Yay me! lol. Ok so please leave comments on it not just bump! Thank you! And have a great day! (oh and a nice read) Chapter 5- Paige I run towards the goal dribbling the soccer ball between my feet. I wined up to shoot the ball. My foot leaves the ground and collides with the ball. The ball goes flying through the air. The goalie tries to catch it, but misses, and I SCORE! "GOAL!" shouts the announcer My team goes wild we attack each other and scream our heads off. Later on I go out for ice-cream with just my siblings, to celebrate me scoring the winning goal for our team to win the championships! I was so happy nothing could make me upset, at least that's what I thought. We all walk down to the beach holding out ice-creams. Miya is humming to herself and Kally is talking with Zach and Andrew while Taiga is texting. "Too bad mom and dad weren't there." Kally states. "You should have seen yourself handling that ball!" "No worries I caught the whole game on tape!" Laughs Zach. I pump my fist in the air. "NO WAY? I LOVE YOU ZACH" I do a little dance thinking, now I can watch my victory over and over! Everyone starts laughing as I celebrate by taking an extra big lick of my ice cream. Later on we are all at home Taiga in her room, Kally doing homework, Zach in the living room with Miya and I'm with Andrew in the kitchen. "You did a good job in soccer today." He said proudly smiling at me. "Thanks I just wish mom had saw it." I sigh taking a big gulp of my glass of apple juice. "Hey don't get upset! We can show her when They are home." Andrew tries to cheer me up but I still have that sad lump in my tummy. It's telling me that our mom never missed a game but here we are at home and no mom. I simply nod my head mumbling a thanks to Andrew and head upstairs to get ready for bed. As I'm brushing my teeth there is a knock on the window. I look over and there hanging from the windowsill is a bracelet mind you it's very pretty. I'm not one for jewelry but Miya will love it. I reach over lifting up the window plucking the small bracelet. It looks like it would fit her wrist. I walk over to Miya's bed room some sort of gust of wind rushing over my body as I walk. A voice seems to whisper to me: *put it on.... Put it on....* I look from side to side starting to get scared I run into Miya's room thrust down the bracelet on her pink fully mantle and book it to my room. Jumping under the covers bringing the batman sheets over my head. I hear a soft purr. Lifting the covers from my face I look out to see Sheila at the foot of my bed. I scoop her up and put her on the pillow next to me. "There you go kitty." I smile down at her. "Thank you dear" she purrs back then curls up and goes to sleep. I turn off the light settle down and drift off myself. End of chapter 5-Paige of me myself and my seven siblings!
Did you mean page instead of Paige at the story or am I wrong. Anyways. Nice update. Feels like your transitioning into a dramatic part of the story. I am anticipating the next updates arrival. Just some constructive criticism, instead of having paragraphs of short sentences, try making them different lengths. Try have simple sentences next to a complex or compound sentence and maybe throw a compound-complex sentence in. And maybe, and you don't have to, use a wider vocabulary. And use detail. Like for the sentence about the goal. What if you made it like I reared my leg back, hoping for the best. Then, forcing my leg down on the ball, the balled soared straight to the net. The goalie, not prepared for its speed, made a attempt to save not only the ball, but the play off game. But, this attempt was futile. The ball sailed past his outstretched hands and into the back of the net, filling my body with relief and excitement. The game had ended and I had scored the deciding goal that put us into the semifinals. My teammates, both on and off the field, went berserk and sprinted towards me. We all embraced and started jumping in unison. This was the greatest moment of the year, and nothing was going to ruin it, or so I thought. Even though it is long, it describes it in a more vivid way, and I find it easier to understand and mentally picture it. But the overall thing is, it was a good update. Again, I can't wait for the next.
This makes me want to get a talking cat. The cool thing mine does is opens doors. Oh and growl at my dog.