Ok I've had my brain food (Cake!) I'm relaxed, and I'm ready Thats a determined face ------------------------------------------ I blink my eyes several times, before they finally come into focus. I move my head, then I move my arms, then finally my legs. Slowly my body reacts till I can move ever bone in my body, except my hands which had been tied very tightly at the wrist. My mouth has duck-tape over it and I feel something hard and cold pressing into my side. I realize I'm lying on my stomach in the back of a van, two people sit in the front, silently talking. I shut my eyes and think of the last thing I saw. Then I remember: Rosemary, me shouting at her, her punching me, and then getting a drugged. I fling open my eyes,I've been kidnapped, is the first thought that crosses my mind. Suddenly the van hurls to the right, sending my flying to the left side of the van. I hiss out in pain, as my back connects with what I'm guessing is a tool box, then I close my eyes at my stupidity. "So your awake?" A voice says. I allow hatred to slip into my eyes, before I open them and look straight at Rosemary. She simply smiles a sweetheart smile back at me. "Listsn here sweetheart, when we get to where were going, your going to tell us what the code is" She says, motioning to the driver and herself. I narrow my eyes at here, wondering what they would do if I refused. As if reading my mind, she answered my unspoken question. "If you refuse, then I guess we'll have to make you change your mind" she says simply, then a sickening smile crept onto her face. She turned around and I just sit there. ... Soon enough the van stops on what felt like a gravel path. By now I had gotten hit by several tools and a jug of oil has spilled on me. Rosemary and the driver jump out, I could hear their footsteps walk around to the back till finally they stop. The back door swings open and a big man stood there, the light from the van allowing me to see him. He had dark green eyes, black hair, and his skin was pale. Before I could do anything, he reached up and ripped the duck-tape off. I cry out in pain and a few tears drop, I glare up at me and he raises a eyebrow at me. "Get out" He says, his voice sending shivers of fear down my spine. Putting on a stern face, I make no move to get out. "I will-" suddenly he grips my arm tightly and pulls me out the van, throwing my on the ground. I land on my face, not being able to catch myself with my hands. For a while I just lay there, feeling the small pebbles underneath me and looking out into the vask, unknown darkness. Till finally he grabs my arm and swings me over to my back, I stare at the air in surprise. "Don't. EVER. Disobey an order, when I tell you to do something, you do it, got it?" He asks, his deep voice rumbling, and making him seem even bigger. I nod slightly, knowing he can't see it. Grabbing my forearm, he picks me up and starts walking. I run slightly, trying to keep up. Finally he stops. "There are stairs right here, don't trip or I'll leave you out here for dog food" then he lets go of me and steps up on the stairs. I listen to the steps he makes, and learn that there are four steps before I reach the porch. Hesitant, I take a step forward, feeling the scraps and edges of the wood on the bottom of foot. Taking another step, and another, till I successfully reach the top. I heard him unlock the door and step in, I walked in behind him. Then someone clicked on the lights and I frowned. The house was beautiful, it had a modern, yet classy feel to it. The interior was black and white, and the furniture was also a mixture of black and white, the walk-in place was a marble white spot, and then it turned into black carpet. I looked at it in surprise, till finally Rosemary spoke. "Let me show you your room" She said, giving me a smirk, then she turned on her heels and started walking till she reached the stairs that lead down. I followed, not knowing why I was suddenly eager to see my "room". She stopped and I looked up and gasped a memory hitting me so hard, I almost fell. I was a little girl and some people had kidnapped my older brother. I remembered how when they finally brought him out, I was so happy to see him, I screamed out his name in happiness. Instantly the woman next to me slapped me, knocking my to the ground and hissing at me to be quiet. Silently I had stood up, tears rolling down my face, but I still managed to smile at my brother. They hooked him up to a chair and put cords on him, but we did't think nothing about it, we were too happy. Then one of the man pulled out a small remote with one bottom on it. He smiled devilishly at us and pressed it. I could never forget the memory, the way my brother's body jumped and twitched as the shocks went touched his skin. My mother pulled me behind her, more surprised then I was. But I had saw it, and now that I look at the chair that was in this room, I can't help but think. They say you can never escape your past, no matter what, and now that I look at this chair, I can't help but think, that this is my past and I can never escape it ----------------------------------------- AND CUT! Boy! 2 updates in one day, I must really like you guys , anyway let me know what you think, Sorry if spelling mistakes
I sit in the chair my head hanging down. They didn't tie my wrist nor ankles yet. My stomach rumbles and groans, indicating that I'm hungry. They only feed me one meal a day, the other Lockdown Center feed me three. All the light were off, so it was dark, they said it was because I could escape. A storm was happening, there was a leak in here. I could tell exactly where it is at, because they put a bucket there, causing the sound to vibrate through the room. Drip Drip Drip It was to my left Drip Drip Drip It seemed so close, so close that I could reach it. So I stood up, almost falling because my legs had fallen to sleep. I walked slowly to the leak, allowing the noise to guide me. Drip Drip Once I reached it, I lifted my hand in the air and touched it. It was soggy by now and easy to rip. So I gripped the edges and slowly started pulling on it. Instantly the pieces around it started coming off. I grinned. Then suddenly the door up the stairs opened in I jumped in fright, causing me to knock down the bucket of water. I dropped to my knees and bent over to pick up the rusty bucket. I could hear the person's slowly until they stepped onto the dusty ground of the basement. I looked up and felt surprised when I saw the guy instead of Rosemary.
Dang it, It caught off ------------------------------------------------------------------------ He walked over to me and looked at the bucket and then me. "What were you doing?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. "I-i was thirsty" I said, which was true, I am thirsty. He nodded and motioned for me to get up. I pushed up off the floor and got up, keeping my head down. He looked at me for a second, then he turned on his heels, and walked back to the door. I was surprised, they didn't allow me to be upstairs. So I followed him, wondering what they were going to do. I was surprised when Rosemary wasn't waiting for us, and this relaxed me until I looked up to they guy's big form. He led me into the kitchen, where he grabbed a glass from the cupboard. Then he grabbed a jug of cold water from the refrigerator and poured some water into the glasss. He turned to me and held the glass of water up to me. I looked between the glass and then him, trying to figure out what he's planning. "Well go on, it isn't drugged, I'm about to have a sip myself" he said. So I hesitantly took the glass and brought it to my lips. Instantly the ice cold water thrilled my mouth, and I started chugging it. My body wouldn't allow me to stop until the last drop was gone. By now the guy had poured him some and was watching me. I looked down at the floor, feeling like I had just gave them a weakness. But instead of saying anything, he took the glass from me and poured some more. That lasted all night, until finally we finished the jug of water and he filled it back up and placed it back in the refrigerator. Then he turned to me. "David" he said, motioning to himself. I nodded and then looked to the my feet. The Lockdown Center didn't give me shoes. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok sorry darlings, I have to go to school. I may update while I'm at school or tomorrow, depends on how I'm feeling Tell me what you think please!
After we finished the jug of water, David and I walked back to the basement. I sat down on the hard, metal chair. The frigid chair causing a shiver down my spine, but I held it back. To my surprise, David didn't leave, instead he leaned against the railing of the stairs and stood there. I clenched my teeth, and narrowed my eyes at him, daring him to start asking my questions. He simply gave me a cocky smirk and narrowed his eyes back. We starred at each other, both of us not planning on dropping our glaze. After a while, David started walking toward me. He still had his eyes glued to mine and not planning on dropping then anytime soon. His arms swung lazily at his side, and his boots create a sound that echoes off the wall. It is until he stands right in front of me that he stops walking and places both his hands on the arm rest on the chair. He leans down toward me, he stops when his nose is almost touching mine and I can feel his breath. I clench my teeth harder, and glare at him. I won't allow him to mess with my head. His smirk comes back and he leans in closer, while I lean back more, my head hitting the back of the chair. He grins when he see's my reaction, then his grin drops and stands up, looking straight ahead. Instead of the cocky smirk that was there earlier, he replaces it with a stone hard face, then he walks back to the place he'd been standing just a couple of minutes ago. I blink my eyes in surprise and open my mouth to ask him what he was doing, then I hear it, footsteps. Instantly I do what David does and my whole position changes. I slide all the way into my chair, straightening my back so that it is flat against the chair. One of my leg crosses over the other, and my elbows rest on the arm rest, while my hands lay in my lap. My face becomes emotionless. My mouth set into a grimace and my eyes starring straight ahead. I can see from the corner of my eye that David is watching me. I ignore him and listen to the sound of the footsteps, they sound....off. I flick my eyes over to the staircase, listening to her footsteps, trying to figure out why they sound...off. Then I see her and I instantly understand why her footsteps were off. She was drunk,her hair was a mess and her make-up was all over her face. Her clothes were the clothes of a slut and I scrunch my nose up in disgust. In her hand was a small purse and a bottle of Jack Daniel's Whiskey. I turn away as she walks over to David, moving her hips and trying to look sexy, but failing miserably. After a while of kissing noises, it finally stops and I turn my head back. Rosemary was now looking at me, while David stood behind her a disgusted look on his face. Rosemary walked over to my, tripping every once in a while. Finally she reaches me and bends down, so were eye to eye. "Telll me whatt the-the stupid codee is" she says, her words slurring. I simply raise a eyebrow at her. "Why?" I ask, my voice flat. Angry flashes across her face and she throws the down her bottle of whiskey. "Whatt iss the damn codess?" She asks, pointing a shaking finger at me. I look at her finger for a while, then I reach up and push it away from me as I look up at here. "Why?" I repeat, my eyes looking straight at her. She stares at me for a while, then she swings her left fist at me. But because she is drunk, I easily grab her wrist before her fist can connect with my jaw again. She loons stunned for a second, then she swings her right fist, but again I catch it easily. Then I stand, keeping my grip firm and tight. Surprised is shown on her face, but then she glares at me. "Letmeegoo" she slurs. I give her wrist a tight squeeze then I push her backwards slightly and let go. She falls on the ground, and calls out ouch like a little kid. I take a step backwards also, keeping distance between my and her. She notices the step back and scrambles off the ground, her heels making it hard for her, but she manages to stand up. She raises her fist again, but before she can swing at me, David clamps his hand over her hand. "Thats enough, lets go to bed" He says, shooting me a look that says Be Quiet. So I don't say anything as Rosemary giggles, then nods and starts walking toward the stairs. David follows behind her, no sign of happiness on his face. I watch then until the wall covers them up and the light goes out. Once I hear the door closing and locking, I reach behind me for my chair and I sink into it. He didn't let her hit me....but why?, I ask myself.
Oh I see what you're doing. If you don't mind me saying, There are some things lacking, like some descriptive details, and flaws in logic, also some grammatical errors. Very vague on the codes, what they do, and what they are, and the emotions of the character. I would recommend re-reading before posting and sort of see how it flows in your mind. As for description I'd say a very limited vocabulary, maybe usage of idioms could be useful in a story like this. I also don't quite understand why,if they kidnapped her, that they would allow her any sort of freedom, and what the scenery is, what sort of area? Like a cabin in the woods? Perhaps I'm just not paying much attention, but could you clarify please? Also why a drunken woman was allowed inside of said facility when there was a guard right there to prevent it? Is there no rules? Is she just a henchmen or is she the head honcho? I'm assuming the guard person took pity on her, or has fallen in love with her, if you're heading in that direction. I'd like to know if there's some sort of surveillance or some sort of locks on doors that would prevent her from leaving? Or can she just walk out? Also, you have a misspelled word here or there, a word that shouldn't be capitalized, you don't start a new line when dialogue is placed, I don't really want to be rude but more frank, if your first language is English and you've gone to school, from 3rd to 6th grade at least, you should know these basic rules in writing. I'm sorry if you took offense to anything I said, just some things I saw. I just want to help you improve as a writer.
Ok. Thanks for the advice, Lol. I guess I'm not as good as I though I was . I'll try to learn how to write better. In the mean time, we should just let this story die, I guess. Thanks though for the advice, I'll try to work on it for a while, then I'll start a story.
NOOOOOOOOOO DON'T LET THE STORY DIE!!!! AHHHHH YOUR GOING TO KILL ME KEEP WRITING ITS LIKE PUTTING A GOOD BOOK DOWN!!!! AHHHHHHH
Shut up quinny. We took offense to everything you said. Not everyone WANTS you to know everything within the first four updates and get bored. And second WHO CARES ABOUT LOGICAL ERRORS!?!?!?!? IT'S A FRICKEN STORY!
Third, your advice helps zero percent. Fourth I am not sorry for what I said so do not expect an apology or such. Fifth have a nice day