When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?" I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."
What does a snowman eat for breakfeast? Frosted Flakes. What's black and white with red all over? Santa falling off your roof. One snowman said to the other 'You smell carrots?'
HOW MANY Reindeer does Santa have? 11! Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen Rudoph (the one with the red nose) Olive (Olive the other reindeer) and Al (Then Al the reindeer loved him)
How did the nerd get coal for Xmas? Momma Said if I don't behave I'm gunna get coooal for Xmas. And boy do I wanna be cool.
Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ? Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.