Monticlair "Gina, send in Alexis." I beeped my assistant. Alexis was um...my "stress reliever" yes, i need a stress reliever. And no it's not what you think you sicko she does aroma therapy. The company hired her personally for me, judging by the 7 breakdowns I had last month. She strolled into my office and sat on my desk. I promise nothing was going on. Not yet anyways. She played with my tie and I was getting a little uncomfortable. "Um...Ms.Alexis please get on with the aromatherapy you're taking this places I dont want to go with you." I swallowed and mumbled "Oh pooh Monty can't you let me have my fun?" I gathered up all the self control and gaul and I told her "Ms.Alexis your services are no longer required. Collect your last pay from Gina and please exit the building." in a very business-like tone. She stared into my eyes and murmured "okay" then walked off like a zombie, her heels clicking on my wood floor. I stared at this. 'what the hell?' I thought. I remembered the suddenly dead look in her eyes. "hmm..."I murmured suddenly the intercom buzzed. "Mr.Hollis, your brother is outside want me to send him in?" Gina's voice rang "he says it's important." she added "fine, send him in." I mumbled. My older brother by 1.5minutes walked in, looking jumpy and uneasy. "Theo what's wrong?" I said, feeling our twinstinct, a word our mother had come up with for our uncanny ability to know what was on the others mind.
Theodor I stared at my brother and whispered hoarsely "the black thing wants us." he stared back, his eyes enticing and alluring. He said in a voice not his own, "Ah you've figured out? Yes, yes I want you. I am alone,Theodor. I need company or I fear I will become even more insane than I already am. But I am not evil. I wish no harm for anyone. It follows me. Those who had attempted to befriend me or lift me from the brink, it destroys them. It hates anyone who wants to care for me. Simply because of my intelligence. You see, true intelligence is different from the type of intelligence you believe in. True intelligence are those who have unlocked the secrets of the mind and manipulate them. There is no good or bad, simply existence of difference of what is right. Those ambitious ones who got ahead of themselves tainted their souls and lost their sanity. This is why you gain slowly, shooting for achievements within your grasp." it said, possessing my brother. His eyes were no longer blue, but a deep sapphire green, hypnotic and inhuman I looked away, knowing he was trying to enter my soul. "Forish!! Stop...I need someone. Please leave me this one..." he said with pleading eyes, touching my brothers hair. Out of nowhere I snarled "GET OUT OF MY BROTHER CYBER!"
How do they know me. So you don't want to play a game That's ok. Cause you're already in it. MHUAUHAUGAUSVAUDHR. sorry I had something in my throat
Alright... This is truly an odd story. And no, not the bad kind of odd, of course. First, I want to point out some grammar mistakes and spelling mistakes before I head deeper into the story. It seems your grammar and spelling is fine when you're writing paragraphs of details, but your problem with grammar and spelling is mainly in your dialogs. You seem to miss a "." or a "," here or there. Nothing big, but nevertheless, I must express that grammar and spelling is very very important no matter how you look at it. There's also another thing with your dialog, it's not so realistic. I mean, yes, most of your dialog is fine, but some are rather unrealistic. Now, another thing I want to point out is the way you chance point of views a lot...I mean, sure, some people might be fine with it, but to me, it ruins flow. I prefer a story that either stays with one point of view, or change point of views sometimes, but not ALL the time. But that's just me, it just seem unconfusing and can mount the tension better. Another problem I see is the lack description. Especially the drama or problems the character face. It doesn't describe enough or not enough different wordplay that truly expresses the fear the character faced. It felt as though the character has just faced a near death experience and than the next second he's fine and going to McDonald for a cheese burger. Or Dunkin Donuts... I mean, if my brother was shaking violently like he was having a heart attack, I would definitely not stop for donuts, I would just go straight to the hospital. Your description of the setting is also lacking. It might not seem important but it is. When readers read, they feel what the character feels, they hear what the character hear, they smell, taste what the character taste. Which is why describing the setting and emotions is very important. There's also your plot(AKA series of events) doesn't seem to make sense. I mean, it just seems the characters are just doing this without a good reason besides you telling them to do this. You have to try to be in your character's shoes, and react how you would react realistically, or what you would do realistically. It just seems sometimes your character do things without a motive. And it also seem to me you created two rather perfect characters...in my opinion. I mean, by the way you describe them, they have great looks, intelligence, and the attention of the 'ladies'. I know some people like perfect characters, but everyone has faults, flaws and even fictional characters are no exception. Remember to add flaws, and depth into the character. Make them interesting, make the reader think about the character. Theres also your other character, "The Doctor". He or she seems a bit odd. I under The Doctor is intelligence, searching for a 'companion', but I do not understand why. In the beginning(Which was a great beginning by the way. It certainly captures the reader's attention.), it says it is alone and it wants to find someone to be with. However, I'm guess this 'intelligence' wants to be along with someone else with the same intelligence which is why The Doctor is testing the two twins, correct? If so, than it seems odd. Intelligence only stands out when it is in a room full of those with lesser intelligence, hence if it was a room full of highly intelligence people. No one would stand out. They would be normal. And judging by this 'Intelligence' character, it seems like it does not want to be seem as someone with normal intelligence. Thus, if it finds it's half with equal intelligence, it wouldn't shine so brightly anymore. Anyways, those are my thoughts. Continue with your work. I'm curious as to see what happens next.
I sighed, confused, and quite frankly, scared out of my mind. "Why? Tell me why you want us." I murmured "this is more than mere companionship. You see, I was born for one single purpose. To destroy. To create then trample everything. But with time, I developed a curse. That curse is humanity. Spending so much time with humans...it has changed me. I am no longer simply a creation, mindless and obeying. I have developed feelings, and with that, an aching loneliness for someone who can help me on my path of destruction. Which is why It has allowed me a companion. But it hid them from me. It cursed a baby with the ability of comprehension. To be able to see past what normal humans cannot. To be able to comprehend the unseen, to know the meaning of this thing you call life. Someone who has been through same torture." he raked a hand through his hair, a habit of my brother. My mind just didn't understand. I felt more confused and alone than ever. "Theodor, I know you do not understand. It is clearly written on your face. Perhaps you will understand with time. But know this; I am not evil. I promise you this. If I was I would know. Trust me. Use your gift till it has become a curse." he whispered quietly, his eyes rolling into the back of his head. His shoulders relaxed and his blue eyes came back. "Well, what do you want to talk about Theo?" he stared at me. My jaw went slack and my eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. "Dear God..." I tried to form words but I couldn't "What? Cat got your tongue?" I stared at him. His intelligent blue eyes signaled curiosity. "What happened?" I stared in shock and closed my mouth. "I...uh...um...er..." I tried to explain but I had no words. He rolled his eyes. "Fine. Get out of my office then." he said, flicking his wrist with my grandfathers beautiful watch. I sighed and looked around his office. Large, of course, a freshly buffed wooden floor. A huge executive desk, with neat piles of various folders and papers, paperclips and staples everywhere. A phone, a stapler, you know, office supplies. A bulletin board with charts and graphs, obviously signaling the financial status of the company. Large oaken doors lent entrance to the grand room. I sighed, something I seemed to do a lot.