Usually when that happens it means there isn't enough hydration in your bowls. Drink plenty of water, stay away from greasy foods, and take in plenty of fiber.
I honestly don't know if you're serious or not.. But if it is then drink plenty of water, try drinking a glass of orange or apple juice, do some exercise and eat fibre foods Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! Oi! Oi! Oi!
Have you tried flushing the toilet? If it doesn't work, open and close the toilet lid 3 times and try again
This is why you don't eat from the dumpster kids. Now I suggest you get a hold of your doctor over the phone because this sounds like a terrible situation and I suggest you do it soon before you one day piss out blood.