They say one moment in time, one lapse that shouldn't have happened, can change life as we know it. This is what happens when Jamie brushes past me as we walk outside. My skin is turned to bubbling sparks that agonize me. I'm angry at her, I'm angry that she's in my life. I'm angry about everything. I grab her wrist. I can feel the sparks clashing in a dangerous forbidden dance. I pull her to me, and she does not fight. She is melting and I can feel it. Her knees shake, and she whimpers an animalistic whimper, somewhat like a frightened puppy when it's done something wrong and it knows it. She fits perfectly into my arms, as if she's supposed to be there. But I know she's not. She fits perfectly because I want to crush her delicate bones with my bare hands, shatter her skull, slit her throat and watch the blood pour. I want her blood. I want to see her eyes roll in the back of her head and her chest stop rising. I whisper in a soft, dangerous voice that my own brain doesn't recognize. "Never speak to me again, or the consequences may be dire." the hair on the back of her neck rises and she shivers, goosebumps forming on her arms. I let go of her, and she almost collapses. I walk casually away from her, while she gasps for breath like a fish out of water. My skin feels prickly like I've touched the insulation from a wall. Dan knows to pick me up. Everyone but me has taken their drivers test and passed. I always screw up on the written essay. Dan's big pickup truck honks its powerful horn. He has a Camry Silverado or something. I open the passenger side and hop into the messy, messy car. Roy hates Dan's car, and I can see why. It's cluttered everywhere, and you can barely touch your feet to the ground. Roy practically dies every time he's in the car. I don't really care. Messy is cool and whatever. "So how was it?" he asks skeptically "Don't want to talk about it." Another short update because I'm l tired.
They say one moment in time, one lapse that shouldn't have happened, can change life as we know it. This is what happens when Jamie brushes past me as we walk outside. My skin is turned to bubbling sparks that agonize me. I'm angry at her, I'm angry that she's in my life. I'm angry about everything. I grab her wrist. I can feel the sparks clashing in a dangerous forbidden dance. I pull her to me, and she does not fight. She is melting and I can feel it. Her knees shake, and she whimpers an animalistic whimper, somewhat like a frightened puppy when it's done something wrong and it knows it. She fits perfectly into my arms, as if she's supposed to be there. But I know she's not. She fits perfectly because I want to crush her delicate bones with my bare hands, shatter her skull, slit her throat and watch the blood pour. I want her blood. I want to see her eyes roll in the back of her head and her chest stop rising. I whisper in a soft, dangerous voice that my own brain doesn't recognize. "Never speak to me again, or the consequences may be dire." the hair on the back of her neck rises and she shivers, goosebumps forming on her arms. I let go of her, and she almost collapses. I walk casually away from her, while she gasps for breath like a fish out of water. My skin feels prickly like I've touched the insulation from a wall. Dan knows to pick me up. Everyone but me has taken their drivers test and passed. I always screw up on the written essay. Dan's big pickup truck honks its powerful horn. He has a Camry Silverado or something. I open the passenger side and hop into the messy, messy car. Roy hates Dan's car, and I can see why. It's cluttered everywhere, and you can barely touch your feet to the ground. Roy practically dies every time he's in the car. I don't really care. Messy is cool and whatever. "So how was it?" he asks skeptically "Don't want to talk about it." Another short update because I'm l tired.
Dan is a very persistent, stubborn person, so it puzzles me to see him quiet. He's probably thinking about his relationships, how nice. I can't stop thinking about how easy those three girls looked...how innocent...No, Theodor, don't go there, that's not a place you want to be. I sat there, thinking of how Dan got the best girls without even trying. I think he could tell I didn't want to talk. He was silent. But then again, I wondered how his family was. Mr. Sen had been working a lot lately. I knew how hard it was for him to know that his wife was all the way across the world. I knew how depressed he got, how violent he got. I had the urge to tell him I cared about him, that I'd be here for him, and this feeling puzzled me. Perhaps it was the fact that my grandfather had recently passed away, because I was never sentimental. But something possessed me and told me to tell him. "Dan? How's your dad?" I ask him. "He's not good, Ted, not good at all. You know how he gets when mom's gone, and he's gotten in deeper than I've ever seen. I'm sad, Ted, I really am. Seeing Quinn everyday makes things better sometimes. Other times, it's Roy. Sometimes no one can make it better." Dan has never poured his heart out for me. But he has right now. Confusion swims in my brain. I look at him. "Daniel, if you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here." He talks more, about how Roy has been distant, how Quinn seemed to ignore him, how Tyler glares at him. I feel a surge of friendship for him. Daniel was definitely more in depth than he usually was. And I wondered of our relationship was better now, as he drops me off at home. -------short because it's late.
*if ._. __________________________________ Gabe is at home, chewing on his pen in the kitchen. I can hear Lukie upstairs in her room, chattering away. Charlie is in the living room, playing monopoly with Joe, who is currently visiting. My mom is outside with my dad, doing yard work and talking. I escape into the basement/rec room. It's more of the place where we have ping pong tournaments, and where we play on the wii, than anything else. There's a sense that the family is together, but apart, still very much dependent on each other. I watch Netflix on our wii, South Park and Project Runway are my favorites. Yes, Project Runway. After about an hour of Kenny dying and fashion, I decide to go outside. I tell Joe and Charlie, who are arguing over two hundred dollars of monopoly money, that I'm going to visit Grandma. Charlie says they'll tell mom, as Joe tries to steal the pink fives. "You got the card, PAY UP!" "No, YOU got that card, you pay me!" "Nuh-uh!" They continue to fight like five-year-olds. I walk out the door into the cool Autumn afternoon. I walk the route I knew so well, to my grandparent's home. Grandma looked tired, and so sad. "Hello, Theodor." "Hi Grandma." I hug her. She sighs, and her breath smells like cinnamon. She as a whole smells like mint tea and chocolate chip cookies. We sit down, and she tells me about how sad she's been. "It's just been so different...I hate being alone, after all these years." She says softly. Rufus, their Great Dane, pads in silently, which I've never seen before, ears drooping, eyes dull, tail still. He jumps on the couch beside Grandma, making her look so small, even smaller than she was. Gently he nuzzles her face. She touches his nose, and he puts his head in her lap gently, big limbs almost, but not quite, falling off the couch. "He and Tilly have been so quiet. It's like the whole place is in a funk." she sighs. That's not the only thing, Grandma, that's in a funk. I think sadly.
We talk until my mother calls, saying I have to come home. I hate leaving Grandma. She looks so sad. Affection and sadness mingle in my mind as I hug her goodbye. I spend the next few days tired, antisocial, and unhappy. Seeing her everyday disgusts me. Quinn and Dan are getting closer each day, and a bitter feeling hurts my head. Roy says its post dramatic stress due to my grief about my grandfather and my inability to comprehend calculus. I say Roy needs to speak English and quit being an ass. Those freshmen girls sometimes sit with us, always wearing normal clothing, nothing too slutty. The Korean girl, Gillian, is determined to get one of us to date her. She's currently working on Roy, which might work because he has a thing for Asians. Short shorts girl, Annette, and the other one, Leah, are okay. Leah looks a bit anorexic, though, and she loves flirting with Cody, who is oblivious of this. I can't stop thinking about what Grandpa said, about how I could learn about him through that big chest. I wasn't sure...I still think I need to wait. -------------------------------------------- Short update.