Detention, 3:30 We sat in silence. The teacher droned on about how bad we all are. I had heard this lecture a thousand times, so I just blocked it out. Rebecca on the other hand, listened like her life depended on it. She sat up straight and took in every word the teacher said. Her eyes were still slightly red, and the dark purple bruise on her pale face stood out like a sore thumb. I just sat next to her and visualized the teacher being burnt alive. Once the teacher finally left, I tried talking to Rebecca. "well sunshine, how does detention feel?" No reply. She just stared off into space. Daydreaming, or thinking. Or maybe reminiscing... About what? I spent the rest of detention finishing off the drawing of the coffin. I drew a hand hanging out of it. I decided it was him. If it was me I would have drawn blood. When I got out of detention it was raining. It had been bright and sunny this morning, so nobody had an umbrella. Except me. I always expect the worst. I took my umbrella out of my bag and looked at Rebecca. She was staring at the rain in dismay. I didn't need to think about who would be dry and who would get wet. I went over and silently handed my umbrella to her. Before she could say a word, be it of thanks or rejecting the offer, I walked away. I splashed down my street, constantly stepping in puddles. I was soaked to the skin, and I was absolutely freezing. But as usual, I couldn't care less. The only thing I cared about was her. Nothing else. As long as she was happy, I could be... Well, maybe not happy. But as close to happy as I could be.
Hey, I'm not trying to be mean or anything, and my readers are great, but could I PLEASE get some proper comments? Criticism? Opinion? Anything! All I have had is "bump!" or "update!" a writer needs more than that (/.~)
The way you freely let out the emotions was critical and precise. My opinion, grab more detail, it cautions the reader to be more enticed by this already interesting plot. I may sound like an old man, but whatever, criticism is criticism.
Thank you. The only reason I didn't put much detail in is because I was told that I put too much detail in I shall try to find a balance between too much and too little.
I agree. And make the emotions more intense, make the reader really be able to understand his hatred of Rebecca's boyfriend, and his love of Rebecca. Pretend you are him, and describe how you would feel. Like, if he finally asks her out, he would be really nervous. But don't just say he's nervous. Say his hands were shaking, his palms were sweaty, his heart was beating a mile a minute… except say it with more detail than that if you can. That way, you can get the reader to really understand what he's feeling. The reader can pray for him to make it through another abuse, to stay strong for his beloved Rebecca… I really should listen to this criticism for my own story.
My gosh. This is the first time, in ages, that ive actually sat down and read a Fan Fiction story and LIKED it. I think you should make him swoon over her a little bit less. And make it sad, like, he finally stops loving sunshine as she starts liking Him. Something tragic, is my suggestion :3 Keep Calm and Carry On
No if anything happens they need to end up together but dating her having that new kind of compassion in his life only kill him inside so much faster.
Erm... I love all of your ideas, but I sort of have a finale planned. I will try to incorporate them in some way though
You should update soon, like Angela said. I don't really have much criticism, because it has already been said. But I really do like this story so far