A leprechaun walks into a bar. After several pitchers of beer, the leprechaun runs over to a large, mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all his legs. The guy reaches out to grab the leprechaun, only to miss him as he jumps back to his seat. “If you know what’s good for you, don’t come near me again, or I’ll rip off your little tallywagger,” yells the mean-looking guy. After a few more pitchers, the leprechaun runs over to the mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all over his legs again. This time, the guy successfully catches the leprechaun. “All right, I’ve got you this time. I warned you — now I’m gonna rip off your little tallywagger!” The leprechaun laughs, “You can’t do that.” “Why not?” asks his captor. “Because,” giggles the leprechaun, “leprechauns don’t have tallywaggers.” “Whadda ya mean you don’t have a tallywagger?” growls the angry man, “How in the hell do you pee?” “Just like this,” laughs the leprechaun as he sticks out his tongue and spits.
A man walked into a bar. He sat at the bar on a barstool and asked the bartender for a shot of whiskey. The man took the shot and grimaced. He turns to the man sitting next to him and asks him sadly, "life sucks! Wouldm't it have been better to never have been born?" The man's eyes opened wide and he replied, "have you ever met anyone so lucky?". The man looked at him puzzled. "No," a pause, "how many do you think there are?". "Not one in a thousand."
Teacher: Why are you late? Ramu: Because of the sign. Teacher: What sign? Ramu: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
blonde goes to a soda machine. She puts in a dollar and gets a soda. She does this again and again. A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long. She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it! You never know when you might need a nail.
"You bastard!" she started, as soon as she came in. "that's real nice, you asshole, letting the kids play catch with my mother while you sit there watching TV." "It's alright babe," I replied, "I duct taped the lid so the ashes don't fall out."