With Ryan upset and my mom too excited that she's a grandma, that left me in my emotional state, depressed and ignored. I felt like everything I done was never good enough for the people around me. In order for me to be happy I had to really devastate the people around me, like with Brad and I, it hurt Ryan to see me with him because of Brad treating me the way he did. I thought abusive relationships were normal, that it's okay to yell, scream, argue and fight. That its normal to be called worthless, useless, fat or ugly on a daily basis and because Ryan wasn't doing to me I thought it was strange. It was strange to me to wake up and be kissed on the forehead instead of being expected to have breakfast ready. It was like I was learning to love all over again simply because I let these guys treat me like a dog. Love is something I'm getting to experience twice but for the first time, I'm learning to love Ryan the way it should be, right. And learning to love Zada as a daughter first and friend last. Zada already won over Ryan by her striking similarities to me, she was absolutely beautiful. Her lightly darkened skin of Shawn matched with my bright green eyes perfectly. The tiny dimples on her cheeks matched with mine in deepness, but hers less noticeable and smaller. Her thin brown hair matched Shawns in color and her face matched mine except for the tiny dimple in her chin. There was no denying this is my baby, she is every ounce of me, my MiniMe. She won over the heart of my nurse and my mom without even being old enough to even speak, she was just hours old and people were falling in line to meet her like she had just been announced Queen. I've always heard that interracial babies were a force to be reckoned with, with their striking beauty and rareness, I finally understood it. A rare and beautiful name, Zada matched with her rareness and beauty, it was hand in hand. Ryan had called his friends announcing the good news and of course with some explaining, even before Ryan explained the full story his friends were in bound to come and meet her. As much as I wanted to share my news with my foster parents, I couldn't, I didn't feel ready for another emotional load. The weight that had just been previously lifted from my mom was now beginning to feel better, bringing another heavy load for them to bare wasn't something I could handle just yet. I needed time to enjoy Zada and all that she brought with her into the world. People were happy, at peace and in love with her, she would be my peacemaker in the home. She is mine, and mine to love, I finally found my eternal happiness.
The next morning promised many things, my travel home and bringing Zada with us, Ryan's gift and finally getting to be a mom. I was beyond any description for excitement, I was ready to grow up and determined to prove it. Now I had another birthday to remember, Zada's on July sixth, I could barely remember my own, but I would make this work. Even though it's early in the year I needed to start planning for Christmas, deciding who to buy for, what they'll like and where to find the same item but for cheaper would take me until Thanksgiving. Crap! What was I going to do for Thanksgiving? Visit Ryan's parents, my parents then my moms? Could they be ready for Zada by then? I already announced to Vance about his fortunate news but I couldn't find Shawn's number in my phone to tell him. Ryan never knew a Shawn, Vance knew several but not the one I'm looking for. No one I knew had known a Shawn, the hunt for Shawn died. "Where's my gift?" Curious if Ryan had dropped it off at home or left it in the car. Knowing where it was would help me at guessing what it was, or at least maybe the size. I rarely got gifts except for my birthday, Christmas not so much. I hated people spending hours and dollars on me for something I would grow out of at some point. I hated anything over twenty dollars because that's too much to spend on one person alone. People like Ryan wanted to buy my a sixty thousand dollar car and a hundred thousand dollar condo, why? He thought I deserved it. Why? I didn't deserve that junk, plus I couldn't afford to have one of those luxuries let alone two and raise a baby. I guess he thinks I deserved to be "spoiled" which I'm not and I don't need to start any time soon. Why can't life be simple? Have a decent good working car, a nice home and be done with it. Rich people have to make it a competition with other rich people, and the ones that got rich from the lottery probably didn't deserve it because they've probably got rich people in their family. If I won any lottery, I'd put at least a million to Zada for college, a million to the homeless veterans, some to animal charities and be done with it. I don't want a Titanic boat that can transform into a RV, what kind of idiot are people to buy that crap? I messaged my friends telling them of the good news, I felt bad keeping Zada in the shadows for so long but I thought it would honestly be best for her. Yes, she would have her grandparents and all that family in her life but the ones she didn't need, I felt didn't have a place to fit in. I wanted her family to tightly knit, to only the ones who would truly love and support her, give her everything she needs to succeed as best as she can in life. She didn't deserve the drama I was in now whether she is a newborn or a teen, no parent should put their own child in their mess. If, when Zada grew up asked about her real father, I will tell her the honest truth, I couldn't find him. Chances are, he wouldn't want to be a father anyways, unless he already had a child then he'd deny her and forget her existence. Ryan now is her father, because he's raising her with me as a father figure, he didn't provide the sperm, of course but that doesn't make anyone a father. It's taking the responsibility of raising that child that makes a father and Shawn wasn't that or anywhere near that. He's a deadbeat.
With Zada my saving grace for my happiness, part of me felt empty, like another piece was missing to my body. Zada's puzzle piece fit into my body for happiness and as soon as that one clicked into place another came apart. Life gives you meaning, you're not living if you just pay the bills. Life gives you, as a person, character, it's what gives you rough edges but also gives you love. Life gives you opportunities for first times throughout your life, first word, first kiss, first child, first car, and first home. Every adventure, good or bad, gives you character and memories, every experience you come into prepares you for the next. "It's at home," Ryan mumbled to me as we patiently waited for my nurse to discharge us. I didn't see any sort of exciting expression plastered on his face, maybe he just cleaned the house and didn't actually buy me anything. Ryan knows I don't like surprises, especially with gifts that cost more than twenty. Yet he still wanted to spend money on me and I didn't see the need for it, I can afford the things I need. I guess he just wanted to feel like he was helping out, which he is but he's doing too much. "Ms. Aubree are you ready to go home?" My nurse asked excited. She smiled at me as she walked in through the door to face me. I'm more ready than get out of here and go home. "Very," I smiled back, matching her excitement but not her pep. I didn't see how these nurses kept theirselves so peppy, I would be dead. Another nurse came in with Zada buckled up in car seat, she looked too adorable in her complimentary hat, mittens and onesie. "Let's help you get dressed," one nurse spoke to me as I sat on the edge of the bed. She got into my duffle and let me pick my clothes; jeans and a light long sleeve shirt, not too heavy to sweat me. She slid my underwear and pants on me as I done my shirt, I wish I had a nurse at home for me. She threw me into a wheelchair as the other nurse carried Zada, Ryan had our bags and we sat off for home.
Survey I just want to get some feedback here, so here are just a few questions. 1. What do you think is going to happen as we get further into the story? 2. What would like to see in future updates? 3. Have you thought what the murder means in the title? 4. I love my fans, do you love me? 5. Thank you for reading my story, I wish everyone a great Thanksgiving.
i think that ryan might misbehave in future. i want him to mess up and annoy her. i think murder means that ryan might want to kill zada . just saying assuming that tho. i love ur story
Ryan pulled out of the parking lot and I wanted to just turn my head and smile at her in admiration of her astounding beauty. My pain in my stomach made that near impossible, I guess the rest of our stay at the hotel would be me laid up in the bed until my paid eased off. "She's beautiful, Ree. I gotta hand it to you, your genes did some great work." Ryan smiled as he placed his hand on my knee, I put my hand on his as I smiled back. "I think I did pretty great, her father did some good work but I think I did better." It was hard for me to believe I had created another life, a tiny human being that would call me mommy. This tiny life would depend on me to live for the next couple years, Zada would be worth every cent, every 3AM cry for food or loving. I wanted to pick her up and love on her but she was sleeping peacefully in her car seat and I wasn't going to wake a newborn from her deep sleep. Ryan pulled into a parking space at the hotel, I got out to unbuckle Zada from the car so I can carry her with the car seat. Trying not to bump her against anything and risk waking her. Zada and I was on the elevator first, so I could stay with her while Ryan brought the bags in. I kept her in her car seat beside both our beds, I covered her up with the baby blanket, I turned the lamp off to keep from blinding her. I got up and turned the hallway light on and opened the door for Ryan since he didn't have the key. I wanted to change Zada before she slept all night, I didn't want her to be wet. I propped the door open slightly with the nearby trash can and went to change her. I picked her up ever so gentle, one hand supporting her body and the other supporting her neck and head, like the nurse had shown me. I laid her on the bed and watched with a smile as her arms moved around, her eyes still closed. I kissed her stomach repeatedly as I gently tugged the sides of the diaper off. I seen her trying to grin but not making any progress, I got her changed successfully with no cries from her. I held her in my arms as she lay with her eyes closed and mouth moving, she was so precious in this moment, I realized I would have many more perfect moments to cherish.
Hey guys, This is still me, Paige. I'm on a saved account from back in the day, () I can't remember the password to my current account so for now I'll be updating on this one.
Zada fell fast asleep in my arms as I gently rocked her, I laid her back in her car seat to sleep for the night. Ryan came in knocking the trash can over, what seemed like a soft boom at any other time seemed like Hiroshima right now. I stared at Zada to see if it phased her. She never moved, looking at her made me ready for bed myself even though it was only six in the afternoon it felt like ten. I put on my comfiest pajamas and jumped in the soft bed. I looked up at Ryan, my eyes low with sleep setting in, "why don't you sleep in bed with me?" I mumbled, almost too tired to talk. Now I was tired and nervous, I never slept in the same bed with Ryan, even though he's my boyfriend, it's different, I'm truly in love with him not like I was Vance. Ryan and I and what we have is real. "Are you sure?" "Yes, Ryan. I'm positive. It's been what? Close to a year we've been together and haven't slept in the same bed, I'm ready." "As you wish." He climbed in the bed behind me, he scooted me back so he could rest his hand on my hip. Suddenly the nervousness rushed from my body, it felt normal, like this is right. Maybe he is the one. I never thought of marriage, I always seen myself as a dead end, like my soul purpose of being born was for one night stands, not for anything serious. I never expected to have a child at almost twenty-three, I never expected to be dating Ryan, my only best friend for nearly a year. Everything seemed to feel right, like this felt normal, something I'm definitely not use to. I know the journey with Zada will be rough but with Ryan being the step-in-father I know I won't be perfect and neither will Ryan, we won't fail we will learn from trial and error.
Today I was one proud momma, Zada began crawling and Ryan and I couldn't be any happier. It did take some months before she got the hang of it but now she was crawling all over the place. Zada is now three months old and such a cute fat butt I showed her off everywhere I went, so did Ryan, he is the proudest father I know. The present I was so dearly promised at the hospital was sort of a lie. Ryan said he thought he had enough to buy it but turned out to be a few dollars short and promised he would order it in the next two weeks after his paycheck. I wasn't mad just kind of disappointed, I was looking forward to a present. Since we were home now and we went back to work things changed. I said Zada would sleep in her room in her crib, well her crib is now in our room. I said I would breastfeed her, she drinks from a bottle. I stay home with Zada during the day and once Ryan gets home at night I'm getting ready to go to work. Today while Zada was watching cartoons I received a message from a number I didn't recognize saying " I want to see my daughter. " The first thing to come to mind was Vance but Vance is already saved under "dumbass." I knew it wasn't him by the way this message was spelled, Vance spells his words out, no shorthand in anything he writes. Could it possibly be Shawn? I felt the anxiety building in my stomach as his shorthand words stared back at me. After three months that Zada had been on this earth, her father was just now interested in seeing her? Really? Why now? I wasn't quite sure of myself what to say back to him. Do I say okay? Can I say no? I should, I'm the mom, I have a say in this. After several more minutes debating I simply replied, " so after all this time you finally want to see her? After three fucking months since she's been born, you want to see her? Okay. If you're going to see her once every three months then don't even bother, she has a father and she don't even need you. But okay." Ryan and I worked hard to raise Zada on our own, I made sure she stayed clean, fed and happy. Ryan made sure she slept through the night, she's been good at that so far. Ryan says she snores and sleeps all night in her crib in our room. I was so proud of my baby, she's so good. I started feeling like those new moms that post statuses and photos all over their social media about their baby. Even though I wasn't doing that, I was in a way, but instead of social networks I turned to people. Yes, I had become that stereotypical mom that stands in line at the grocery store, randomly turns around and says, "this is my baby," and shoves a million pictures from my wallet into your face. Zada was beautiful at birth and even more beautiful at just three months old. The color in her eyes brightened up, the color still the same but now brighter, her skin just a tad more darker, her arms and legs chunky and her toes adorable. She now has a wad of thin black hair, I would hope it would turn a few shades lighter than it is now but black was gorgeous on her. With three months already passed it was like my brain still couldn't grasp that I had birthed a baby. I somehow felt like I wasn't a mom, like Zada was a cousin I was sent to watch until she hit adulthood. I felt like Zada didn't belong to me in a sense, I felt funny, but she looks so much like me that it's nearly impossible for me to deny her.
Three months appearance wise looked better on Zada than it did me. She looked gorgeous and me, I looked like a mom who saw no sleep and heard SpongeBob in her dreams when she did get sleep. Zada's skin had darkened but still remained light, she looked like she had spent a few days in a tanning bed, I was jealous of her complexion. After spending several sleepless nights, trying to figure out Zada's sleep routine I finally got it. I asked Ryan to make a schedule of what needs done at what time for my nights that I'm off work. She didn't require much, she just likes a constant routine for her bedtime. I spent my days teaching Zada to walk, talk, and use her big girl potty. All to which failed, I knew she was too young for most of what I wanted to teach her. I didn't however, give up, I'm just teaching her more age appropriate things for the time being, I even taught her how to clap. I decided to call the number that had messaged me about seeing Zada, after all a father is a father. Ryan is a great dad but I figure Zada needs some sort of connection to her real father. Although he isn't raising her, he created her and she deserves some acknowledgement to Shawn, I don't want to be that mother, I wouldn't do that to her. I never knew my father and though it was best for me back then, I regret never knowing him. The phone rang five times before I heard a deep, raspy voice say hello. I knew this was Shawn, her father just from the hello. I felt nervous, like I forgot how to talk. "Shawn, it's Aubree. Look, I did some thinking, seeing as how you are Zada's father, if you would like you can see her. I never knew my father and I don't feel right about Zada never knowing hers. It'll be one less thing on my end to hear about when she's sixteen and in that rebellious phase." I heard a sigh following a short and nerve racking silence. "I would like to see her, even though I'm sure another guy is playing my father part in raising her, maybe we could work something out." I was shocked, this is going better than when I thought Vance was the father. We settled on Friday afternoon when I got home from work that morning. Today is Wednesday so I could mention it to Ryan that he would get to sleep in a bit. Plus I had Friday and Saturday nights off of work so I could spend all day with Zada. Of course if I was going to stay up all night I would need a trip to Starbucks. I did need to try to re-connect with my old friends, it would be nice for Zada to meet my friends. In a lot of ways I am proud and jealous of Zada, her being mixed means she is special. I am a proud mom to have gave birth to such a outstandingly beautiful daughter. Zada is the half of me that never got to come out and I hope she takes the traits and personality she got passed down from me and runs with it to become her absolute best.