The next day, Ivery was sent home from the hospital. When she got home, she ran straight into her room, without stopping. I grabbed a few photos of her, that I had been saving, and I knocked on her door. "Go away," she screamed. "I'm not going away, until I get to talk to you," I said as calmly as I could. I heard footsteps, and then the door opened. Ivery's face was red, and tears were pouring out of her eyes. I walked in, and I told her that I knew what was going on. She looked at me, with a shocked expression on her face. "You are beautiful Ivery," I said as I lightly stroked her face. I showed her the pictures that I had brought in. She actually looked happy for a second, but then the dark look of fear overcame her face again. "They all look better than me, prettier than me, ski-ski- skinnier than me," she stammered, as she slowly looked over the pictures of her and her friends. I told her she looked ten times better than all her friends, but she didn't believe me. I told her that I wasn't going to leave until she promised me that she would eat again, and more importantly, she would call herself beautiful. She promised, but something told me, that she would break her promise. As I walked out of her room, I threw a candy bar onto her bed. "Enjoy it," I said, as I closed the door behind me.
Ivery's POV I sat on my bed, and stared at the candy bar that Hope had just given me. Hope was an amazing sister. She cared about me so much, and I know she only wants what's best for me. It feels weird being treated like this from a younger sister. I know I deserve it. I unwrapped the candy bar, as slowly as I could. I took one bite, and then I couldn't stop. I have not had a candy bat in five months, and it tasted amazing! I took the last bite, hating myself, for letting myself eat it. I know I promised Hope that I would eat again, but I just couldn't. I felt fat, and ugly, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Direct comment: Interesting story... I like how this is from the sisters point of view. Also, for a middle school student you write very well. ---- Instead of correcting you on spelling and such I would like to do an overall "how can I help you?" criticism. I have only read the first two pages so some things might have changed in writing. How does the sister have anorexia? Reading the first part I thought she did a drug or something and when her Mom said "have you ever heard of anorexia?" I just thought... Wait, what? So you should explain that more from Hope's point of view. The way you talk about the sister is very good, showing how Hope looks up to her. I think there should be more conflict to this, something involving Hope directly. Overall score: B- keep working hard, you'll get there!
Hope's POV I went to bed feeling great, no I felt amazing! I had just basically saved my sister's life. There was no other feeling better than this. I walked into my room, and I was feeling relaxed for once. I got in my bed, and I heard a peircing scream, and a loud crash. I imediately ran into Ivery's room to see what was wrong. Ivery was sitting at her desk, with her head down. I saw a picture frame smashed on the wall, and her laptop was closed on her bed. I gave her a pat on the back, and opened up the laptop. My eyes could never prepare me for what I saw next.
Ok no one is really even reading this anymore, so if I don't get 4 comments (from different people) by 4:00 tomorrow, then I am not going to update this.