Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. • I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy. • It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. • I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me. • I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. • There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'. • Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink. • There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Fuck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope you've got a fucking good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
I was in the elevator when this busty lady got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, "Would you please press one." So I did. I don't remember much afterwards ....