With such great feedback I can never let my public down D:. An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "Why do you say that?" he asks innocently. "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
Short and sweet... Employer: “This is an important job, we need someone who is responsible.” Applicant: “I'm the one you want! At my last job, every time there was a problem, they said I was responsible.”
.....As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye. After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it. Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye." So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word". The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again. "My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?" Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and kicking her legs all over the place..... Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'. They don't usually go anywhere without me, so i said 'Wait for me..."
More shall come, I guess I'll update with a few jokes a day or whatever to keep my audience happy.
Omg I have a Johnny joke Once Johnny's mom was going to take a shower, and Johnny asked if he could take it with her. His mom said, "Yes, but don't look up and don't look down." So they went in the shower and Johnny dropped the soap. He looked down for it and exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?" "That's my garage," his mom replied. The next day Johnny asked his dad if he could shower with him, and his dad said, "Yes, but don't look down." They were showering and Johnny dropped the soap again and looked down. "Wow! What's that?" "That's my limousine," his dad said. That night, Johnny asked if he could sleep in his parents' bed. "Yes, but don't look under the covers," his parents replied. In the middle of the night Johnny got curious and looked under the covers. "Wow! Daddy's parking his limousine in Mommy's garage!" Now that I read it it's not that funny and just a little weird. Oh well
I've got one.. This elderly couple have been married for 60 years. On their 60th wedding anniversary they decide to go to the same place they first had *** at, which was under a bridge. So they go there
And start doing their thing.. A young man sees them from far away and keeps watching.. He is amazing that they can keeping going for so long. He comes back in the morning to see them asleep on the ground.. He goes to wake them up and asked how they can stay at it for so long. And the old man replys "60 years ago that bride was not electrified." hope you get it I don't think I explained it well