I like its originality. The only improvements that I can see is maybe using a little more detail-not about the characters, that's why you have the pictures-on the setting. Like explain the color of the room or the furniture that surrounds the bed. All I can picture is two beds in a square room. Also, you can also describe their emotions through facial expressions. That's all that I can say. But overall, like the story. Can't wait to see more updates.
This sounds like what I would write for a third grade writing assignment. I think people might have said some of this already, but: You need to put quotation marks when people are speaking. No, it's not writer's preference. It's what every book is. This isn't a role play. Use paragraphs. Yes, it's good that you're using paragraphs when people are talking, but you still need to put them when they aren't. You need to put more detail. It's hard to picture anything in my mind. Use better words and longer sentences. Sometimes short sentences are good, and you have to use small words sometimes, but your story is really choppy. There aren't many transition words, you have spelling mistakes, and you repeat things. Your story is like this: He walked down the street. He sped down the street. He went to a house. He's awesome so the guards let him in imeditly. He went to the party. His friends were doing random things. He went to the pool and talked to someone. Don't put pictures in. I personally think that ruins the story. A good writer works in a description of all the characters to make it flow smoothly, and just putting pictures is like cheating. Show, not tell. And I don't know what you say, but where I live, the guys don't say dude before every sentence. If you're trying to really make them seem like teenagers, give them an "I don't care" attitude and make them seem obnoxious. Instant teenager. This story is impossible to read. I can't figure out anything that's happening. I don't want to make you stop writing, because you should keep working at it, but you should at least listen to people's criticism. They're trying to help and you don't even take it into consideration. All I'm doing is trying to give you advice so you can become a better writer. No, I don't hate you. No, I don't want to insult everything you do. I just want you to become a better writer.
Do I look like I am working hard on this story? I do not care about quotations and whatever things people say should be in it. Sure there are short sentences. I know I make the grammar mistakes as I do them. All I care about is getting the story out. Using quotation marks would mean that I am repeating what someone said... where I am not. This is fictional. And the only other way to write would be. He said this, " [...]" . Then it would be okay to use them. But heck, this is not to be published into a book, it is a story I am typing off the top of my head online. Have I thought about adding some of these suggestions? Yes, but as my English Writting professor told my class," if you straight out critisize, the author will just ignore you, but if you compliment then critisize, then they might take into consideration" He also said the same thing about telling a writter how to tell their story
>.> Yeah, i'm writing a story that has pictures. It's because if I went into detail it'd be incredibly long, and boring.
exactly, I woukd get bored writing if I put too many details. Besides, English writting is not my strong point never was.
part 8: Joseph: Savannah: Nina: Kyrin: Calvin: Dan: Chase: It was an early monday morning and Joseph had decided to reattend classes in school again. He has been away for over a month but Phil has been helping him turn in assignments in Joseph's classes and they have been paying class mates to take notes for Joseph. Their excuse was they still wanted Joseph to be participating even though he was in the hospital. Joseph went to the hospital that morning and purchased a pair of crutches and had the doctor give his left leg a cast. He wanted to at least look a bit injured even though be knew the school thought all the bones in his limbs were broken. He went into his first class in his crutches under both arms struggling to get used to them. The class and the Professor of the class stared as he wanted in and sat down in a chair closest to the door. There was whispering and still some more staring until the Professor spoke up. Professor- Joseph, welcome back. We have all heard of your accident, we thought all your arms and legs were broken? Joseph- The bones in my arms were only minor fractures as well as a larger fracture in my right. The only broken bone was my left leg here which is still healing. I hope I have been going good catching up since I have had Phil help keep me from falling too far behind? Professor- We will discuss that after class. The class went on and it made Joseph feel much better to actually be in class now to learn rather than through the notes of others. To convince others he was still injures in the arms he video recorded the lecture off his laptop. When class ended he spoke with the Professor and confirmed the work has gotten to him and that Joseph held a B- in the class because he missed two quizes. He set up a date with the Professor to make up the quizes since he had no choice but to not be in class. After he left the classroom he was bumped over by none other than Chase. Chase was shocked even to see Joseph out in the open, he wondered if Joseph would remember him running Joseph over. But, Joseph had not. Joseph then propped himself up. Joseph- Running into me as always, careful Chase, at least that was not a car or else who knows what could have happened. Chase freaked out. Chase- Ummm... don't get in my way next time criples... Chase then walked as fast as can outside of the hallway. Joseph- Wow, hit and run much? Then Joseph's head started to burn up and a flash of white light blinded Joseph as he fainted to the floor. Then he was at a scene were his body had just been struck with an amazing force, a figure pops outside of a car. It is Chase, and he watches Chase walk over to kick him. After the scene is over the white light flashes and he feels as if his body is stretched back into his body now on the hallway . A group of people are crowded over him as the Professor speaks to him . Professor- Don't worry Joseph, we are getting you to the nurse. He was picked up and then brought to the nurse's office. Joseph- Great, when I thought I was done being in emergency rooms. School Nurse- You have a temper of 106 degrees. It looks to be serious, but you do not look sick. We will hold you here until you feel better. Joseph slept it off with a 2 hour nap. By the time he woke up it was almost time for dinner. The nurse let him go with hesitation, there was not much she could find wrong when she saw his temperatute go back to normal. He met his friends at dinner and invited them to come over afterwards. After dinner they all met in Joseph and Phil's room ; Joseph gotstraight to the point. Joseph- I remember who ran me over, it was Chase. Savannah- Chase?! How do you know? Calvin- How would you know? Joseph- After I bumped into him today after class I had a flashback, a painful one. I do not know... Joseph then started to cough uncontrolably, his head then started to burn up again until he grabbed a cup to cough out an orange liquid inti the cup. Nina- What is that? Joseph- Not sure, lets not mess with it though. I feel better after suddenly coughing that out. I want to get it examined later. It was a long night for them as they discussed what to do about Chase... What is the weird orange liquid? Where did it come from? And what to do about Chase?! Find out soon. Aaaahhhh!!!! Gonzo1993