A Cutter's Scars

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November 4th, 2011:

Two weeks ago, I found a picture. So naturally, I flipped out and cut again.

This might be a little dramatic for a picture but for me it was too close. I found the picture a few days after the day I almost died.

The picture: Me and Kayla. It was taken just hours before she died.

That one of the pictures they blew up large for her funeral. I thought I deleted it off of my camera but I guess I didn't. So when my mom took my camera to print the photos off, she printed that one and gave it to Kayla's mom for her funeral.

I was going through old pictures when I came across this one. She looked so happy. So calm and relaxed. When I flipped the page and saw us, I jumped up and fell backwards. My hand covered my mouth to hold back a scream. Tears streamed down my cheaks. No one was home so I jumped up and stumbled down the stairs and into the family room where I left my bag. I tore through it looking for my pocket knife. Once I found it, I held it in my hand and smiled a bit.

The garage door opened loudly. I knew I only had seconds before someone found me with my knife. I darted upstairs and slit my wrist. Quick and fast in the safty of my bathroom. My blood dripped off the knife and onto the white sink. Little puddles of blood turning into streaks as they moved their way towards the drain. From the stairs, I could hear my 11 year old brother call my name. I wrapped my wrist up and dropped my knife into the sink.

Tyler watched me as I walked out of the bathroom. His eyes went straight to the large bandage on my wrist. Light tears ran down my face as I hid in my room again. The stairs creaked as he ran down them. I knew he wouldn't call my parents. He knows they wouldn't do anything.

What he did: he grabbed my cell phone and texted one of my best friends, Forrest. I don't know what Tyler told him but Forrest started chatting me on my iPod.

I watched as Forrest's messages popped up. Ever other one trying to calm me down. Ever other one telling me he would do something stupid. He got me to message him. I sent him: "I'll talk to you later. I'm going to bed."

He kept chatting me though, wanting to make sure I wouldn't be stupid again.

I cried myself to sleep after I turned my iPod off. When I woke up, I turned it on and found that he stayed up the whole night for me.

Of course I made a mistake. I didn't want to hurt Forrest. He was there for me. He loves me but I ignored him. I still havent told him the full story of what happened. I didn't tell him a word really. Tyler told him everything. The crying, the picture, the cut, the blood.

The past gets the better of me. I try to move on but I can't.
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I will never go extream and kill myself. I will never know why she did it. I thought I understood her but I guess I didn't.

 

I have asked myself that question too. I don't think I would have cut as much as I have. I don't think I would have ever jumped off that bridge. Me ans Kayla spent every mintue together. We were like sisters. If someone killed her, that's different. I would want to get revenge of the person that took her life. But she took her own life. She did it with me there. I felt like it was my fault. I feel like I might have done something that pushed her over the edge. I'll go though more of my old things. I have a bunch of old notes from her and I'll see if I can find any more answers from it.

 

Its okay

 

Please bump me up i'll add more to my life's story. I know more will come soon since I'm going through family drama right now.

 

Lol dan

 

Sorry for skipping around dates
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I'm not going to tell the fully story of what happened. It is my personal family matter and it's a very long story to type out as well.

August 20th—Sept. 10th, 2011:

My brother got very sick and very fast. Threw up everying that he ate or drank. His name is Tyler and he is now 11. He was hit in the head with a baseball during batting practice. Him getting hit was a blessing from God. The docters then stayed focused on his head. They did a CAT scan on him and found a brain absess (kinda like a tumor). That's what made him really sick. My parent's didn't tell me right away what was happening because they were pretty clueless as to what was going on as well. My brother had brain surgery to remove it. The absess was a little bit bigger than a quarter. That was the thing that made him so sick.

And of course, me being me, I was home alone, getting phone updates of what the heck was going on. Yes I did cut. I did stop myself from stabbing myself in the thigh. During this time, I was clueless, stupid, and alone.

I remeber when I got the first call saying he would have brain surgery. I sank to my knees and cried. I also slept in his bed just to make it seem like he was next to me.

After he had surgery, he called me. He sounded so much better all ready. Quite tears rolled down my face when he told me he missed me. He missed me!! After all that he missed me. I saw him two days after surgery. When I was with him, he asked me to take a picture of the back of his head so he could see. I took the pic with trembling hands and then handed him my phone. The back of his head made me feel sick. But he looked at it like it was no big deal.

I was able to go with him to the playroom at Children's Memorial Hospital in Chicago. In the elevator was a little African American girl about five with one of the nurses. The nurse asked the girl, "When was the last time you where in the playroom?" The girl's answer: "I don't remeber but it was too long!" She made me smile.
In the playroom, all the patients were normal kids. It was amazing.

When Tyler came home, it was weird. People made us food and gave us money to help pay for food. By the look in our eyes, we all wanted to just skip ahead like the next three months.

Nowaday, Tyler is sick of being called the "mirical child". He wants to be just "that kid over there".


November 27th, 2011:

We get the news that how he got sick was from a hole in his heart. He will have surgery to fix it in the middle of December.

I didn't cut. But I did run the cold blade back and forth on the inside of my thigh at one in the morning.
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My life is crazy things will happen, blood will be drawn.

 

I know my update isn't another one of my cutter stories but it's the start to all the stupid things that I've been doing. My brother's story is so much stress on me, it's enough to push me over the edge.

 

Um, no i'm not dead