I would never ahaha, after I finish this story, I'm going to try and finish all my other non completed ones
I'm sorry, but, it's just not...interesting. The language is great, if a little overplayed, (there is such a thing as too much description, in everything, where it's past the point of relatable). However, the settings and the characters are already so...obnoxious. Biker dude seems like a jerk already, other guy is obviously great, girl already is a damsel in distress type, and it feels as if the conflict will turn out to be something painfully predictable. The point is, these are not real people. There is no pretense to saying these seem like farfetched. It's downright improbable. No one seems so perfect right off the bat. It's not to say that you're not a good writer, it's simply that you embellish a little too much and this causes your characters to immediately be unsympathetic and synthetic. I'd really suggest doing something simple like tone down their looks, and their strong archetypes. Also maybe look up the adoption system in Australia because maybe it's just me but it seems a little unlikely anyone would simply leave a minor to fend for herself, without like a social worker, and not knowing the family she's going into at all other than their last names. Especially if one of them is seemingly notorious which is slightly strange because he is, after all, a teenager, so it's unlikely he'd committed a crime of some sort, or something along those lines, in order to gain notoriety. This may simply be my speculation, but the plot does require a certain amount of suspended disbelief. I apologize if I sound a little harsh but I honestly feel as though you have a lot of potential, as a writer in general, and I just want to help you be the best you can be.
Marinas Pov "Ah. Let me show you," His tone, husky. "who I am." He slanted his face, then, placed his mouth against my lips. Hard. Relish, enjoy, and be delighted. Satisfaction and savor. Lips of ecstasy, brown eyes, wide and shocked. My arms inertly fell to the side, my knees turned floppy. 'Wh-why, is this stranger kissing me? Why?' My thoughts screamed. My mind emptied, void of any thoughts. Only the weird inclination to the kiss filled me up. Summoning all my emotions. The raven-haired stranger silkily slipped his fingers to on my neck. Then slowly, began to sensuously go down. KAPOW! I burst into multi-colored outrage. My veins started throbbing, my eyebrows twitching forebodingly. "STOP! STOP!" I shoved the stranger away from me in repugnance. I glared at him, my eyes wider in anger and horror and in madness. My hands quivered remorselessly. I slapped him across his cheek. "YOU…YOU JERK!" The impact was great, the collision, intense. The stranger was stupidly stunned. "JEEEERK!" Unceremoniously, I ran sightlessly. Outside the disco hall, there was silence. Breathing raggedly, I started recomposing myself. It was shocking. Unexplainable. The sporadic beats of my heart, the numbing of my mind.
Advice! Yay aha, this was a lot to take in, but thanks aha, it is kind of overplayed, I just try to reveal the characters personalities in the first few updates, but honestly right now, I still have not introduced the rest of the characters, and I myself, have no idea how this story is going to end. But I'll try to tone down I guess ahaha thanks ?
I look forward to it. And good for her by the by, that's a real asshat move on his part. It doesn't matter who anyone is. That's screwed up yo.
Marinas Pov And one moment froze in place. That kiss. My first kiss. With a stranger. A complete stranger. This moment is unexplainable. My heart is exploding in different colours. The sporadic beats. The numbing mind. That kiss. It was awful! Normal Pov Nathan's face was priceless. Indeed, it truly was. A stupid expression marred his normal arrogant features. It was like, an unlikely expression of the boy. He was stunned. Completely. No one has ever laid a finger on his face, let alone slap him. Smirking bitterly, he brought up a hand to caress his swollen cheek. 'That girl, she's interesting' A thought ran through his mind. For the first time, there was a girl that existed to interest him. Richie's eyes travelled the crowd, eyes searching. And there, Nathan Smith was. It was weird though. Nathan's expression was so oddly unusual tonight. Like he was caught in the headlights. His expression, stupidly stunned. Richie scuffled toward him, patting Nathan's back in mockery. "Oi, Nathan, you alright?" Nathan was alarmed at how he wasn't able to immediately recognise Richie's presence earlier. But he repressed it as fast and as expertly as he could. "I'm fine." "Oh." He replied, retrieving his hand. "By the way, there's a girl looking for you." "If she's here only to bother me, then, no thanks." "But—" "No, Richie, I'll pass." Nathan turned to leave, sticking out his two fingers in a salute. "I'll go home." Richie shrugged his shoulders, a hand on his temples. Nathan's behaviour was weird. Absolutely weird. Is this alright? Like did I calm it down a bit? I tried. Or should I tone it down more? Plus am I using too much full stops?
Marina was nowhere to be seen inside the disco hall. The supposedly place where Richie left her was empty. He panicked. What if she got abducted and was held hostage? It was odd that a complete stranger could make him worry like this. "Have you seen a brunette around here?" Richie asked the bartender. Stopping his activities, the bartender replied, "A brunette? You mean, the girl wearing a red cloak? "Yes!" "She already left!" ... "There you are!" Richie exclaimed in relief, finally locating Marina outside the vicinities of the disco hall. A streetlight highlighted the whole figure of the brunette. Her face was blank, as well as her eyes. It was like she had seen a ghost or something. Approaching the bemused girl, he asked in worry, "Are you alright, Marina?" She looked up, her eyes glowing in shambles. Before answering, she swallowed deeply. "I'm fine." Richie wanted to laugh. It was the exact same answer that Nathan had replied. Deeming it was some sort of a coincidence made him skeptical. It was weird. "Oh. Anyway, I'm sorry but Nathan does not wish to see anyone tonight." Marina sighed. "…Well, if that's the case, Richie, can you please take me to the Smith household?" "What's your business there?" "Long story." Her voice, wary. "But to keep things short, I will be living with them for awhile, like, uh, an adoptive sibling." Richie blinked. The fact did not register for a moment. Eventually, after another moment, it did. Minutes later - Marinas Pov "OH WOW!" I exclaimed. This place looks awesome! The Smith household was one heck of a household. It amazed me how huge and vast it was. The structure itself was superbly gigantic. Its exterior was creamy white, as in white, white clean and was 3 stories high. The outside was characterised by polished stones, and numerous bay windows. It was exquisitely big, and the fact that I will live here from now on was astonishing. "Is…is this for real?" I questioned Richie. "Yeah sure is." Richie looked at me smiling. He mechanically pressed the buzzer to announce their arrival. In a few seconds, the massive black gates opened, and the long road that led to the household could be clearly seen. My eyes widened since it was my first time seeing such a spectacle. "COOL!" An old man came out minutely, bowing his head to welcome them. "Good evening, Richie and Marina" He focused his attention to me, saying, "We have been anticipating for your arrival, Miss." "Y-you know me?" I asked incredulously. "Of course, Miss." The man started. "Your grandfather has been contacting us this past few hours to check if you have already arrived. Mr. and Mrs. Smith were deeply worried of your current status. It is best you inform them of your arrival to cease their qualms." "Y-yes." "Well, I think I'd be going now, Marina." Richie stated as he flashed a charismatic smile at me, seeming as if it was only for me. "I'll see you soon." My brown orbs smiled, becoming almost neon,"Thanks so much, Richie! You're really a charming prince! Hehehe!" I giggled. "My pleasure, princess." Richie winked, in a manly way of course, whilst ruffling my hair affectionately. I pouted, as I felt a slight blush adorning my face. He chuckled. It felt as if it was a picturesque scene, of a prince and of a princess.
"Come this way, Miss Marina." The butler instructed, leading me to so many hallways. "Uh, what's your name, mister?" I asked politely as I followed suit. "Oh, how rude of me for not introducing myself! My name is Sandy Freeman." "Nice to meet you, Mr Freeman! I'm Marina." "You don't have to be so formal, call me Sandy" he demanded as he gazed into my eyes. I stared back into his forest green eyes and nodded. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Moments later, we finally arrived in front of a huge door. "Marina, they have been waiting for you." And the door opened, exposing splendidly a wonderful scenario. A happy, happy family. Yo readers, once again I had a little break lol, it's just that everything happens at once and you just get so confused, hopefully I'll be here for longer this time!! Ahaha, sorry Sorry for the short update by the way, I've been really bust studying to become a physiotherapist , cool right ahaha jokes!