Rhyan?s POV: I was sat in StarBucks drinking some coffee when my best friend came in with his girlfriend. I was really jealous of them! My best-friends name was Josh Vowles. They came up to me and said hello then left without saying goodbye. After about ten minutes when I finished drinking my coffee, I went to go get a tissue. As I grabbed for one some other person touched my hand by mistake, I felt a sudden spark go through me and I heard a girl chuckle, she blew a kiss at me and said ?See ya soon? hot stuff.? then she walked out. (The next day) I couldn?t stop thinking about this girl! Her face just kept popping up in my mind? I think I?m falling in love with my best-friend?s girlfriend. I went for a walk to try to take her out of my mind, I looked at one of the shop windows and someone bumped into me. It was Josh?s girlfriend. I asked her what her name was, she said ?My name is Hannah, Hannah Roberts.? I heard her phone vibrate and she took it out. I saw her expression change as the read the text. She sighed and told me ?I?m sorry? My dad needs me back at home.? She kissed my cheek and ran off towards her house, she looked back once and I blushed then I watched her run off into the night. Her brown hair blowing back behind her. I thought to myself: I wish I could tell her how much I fancy her? I sighed and walked home, leaving the memory of her behind me.
Rhyan?s POV: I was sat in StarBucks drinking some coffee when my best friend came in with his girlfriend. I was really jealous of them! My best-friends name was Josh Vowles. They came up to me and said hello then left without saying goodbye. After about ten minutes when I finished drinking my coffee, I went to go get a tissue. As I grabbed for one some other person touched my hand by mistake, I felt a sudden spark go through me and I heard a girl chuckle, she blew a kiss at me and said "See ya soon, hot stuff." then she walked out. (The next day) I couldn't stop thinking about this girl! Her face just kept popping up in my mind? I think I'm falling in love with my best-friend's girlfriend. I went for a walk to try to take her out of my mind, I looked at one of the shop windows and someone bumped into me. It was Josh's girlfriend. I asked her what her name was, she said, "My name is Hannah, Hannah Roberts." I heard her phone vibrate and she took it out. I saw her expression change as the read the text. She sighed and told me, "I'm sorry, My dad needs me back at home." She kissed my cheek and ran off towards her house, she looked back once and I blushed then I watched her run off into the night. Her brown hair blowing back behind her. I thought to myself, I wish I could tell her how much I fancy her. I sighed and walked home, leaving the memory of her behind me. There the other one messed up.
I recommend you not rush the story: it's turning out into a cliché, the whole love triangle and coffee shop meeting thing is a little... too predicable. The plot's moving too fast and you're speed typing. I see many mistakes in your wording, such as 'thought' becomes 'though'. Your writing technique is fine. I advise you use punctuation to emphasize the character's feelings.
Wait, bad example. 'groaned' becomes 'groans'. Your grammar is a bit hard to understand. Instead of 'Me and Him', it's 'Him and I'. Always put yourself before others... As I said, I expected more. You could use more sophisticated words. "I looked at him and he looked up at me and I looked away" You used 'looked' three times. Try something like this: "I gazed at him for a few excruciating moments. His face, his hair, everything. He turned to face me. I felt my cheeks flush and I looked away." It gives more detail. That's what readers want. Although it's okay, these are just advice and criticism.
This is called constructive criticism. I'm not being a pessimist, child. I'm being a contributor to this community.
It's ignorance I despise. Honestly. If you want me to shut up, it's fine. I won't give criticism then, if it's taken as 'being negative'.