Fran's Pov _________ I examine Bella's body than turn away to see Tristan watching me. Ugh I hate when people just watch me. Why can't he just mind himself or at least say something. I look away and see Bella's Body drop into the ground. So sad to see such a nice girl die. I decide to forget about it and walk to Mar. "Hey, you ok?" at the same time I'm thinking shes not gonna last. ______________________________
Mar's Pov: ________ Omg I look up at Fran thinking Bella just died and all you can do is stand there??? "Uh yeah I'll make it through.." I watch her as she shrugs. She probably thinks I won't make it. I really want to prove her wrong, but bye then would she even be alive? This is all so over whelming to me. I look to Zach to see if he's ok. I think he's just confused, then I look to Tristan as he just stands there. I know it was best to kill Bella but at the same time I'm just so mad at him. I whisper to myself, "I hope I can get through this.." Fran must of heard me cause when I look up she's just standing there shaking her head. ______________________________ Story Line: _________ The remaining 4 contestants just stand there looking around when the loud screech comes on again. Than the voice, "Ah I see your all awake. Poor Bella very sorry for your lose, but only one of you can make it out so of course it had to be done." Everyone stares at the ceiling in angry when the voice starts laughing. "Oh well let me get to my point. Over in the left corner of the room a door will appear. Walk through that door and your next task will begin. Have fun... And oh stay alive will you. Last years contestants were soo boring." The voice shuts off and the loud screeching comes on again. After a few seconds it stops. Everyone looks around and sees the door coming up from the ground. Nervously the contestants walk to the door and stop. ______________________________ Zach's Pov: _________ "What if it's a trap?? What if this is the wrong door!?" I stare at the door not sure what to do, but behind me I hear Fran say, "Everything's been a trap don't think this'll be any different. Besides do u see any other doors here?! No, so come on let's go." She seems to have a lot of force in her voice like she designed the games herself and knows what to do. But how she was as scared as we all were and are. I'll just have to trust he for now, so I shake off her comment and walk through. Nothing happens.... Ok safe for now. ______________________________
Interesting but not good, just saying that I like the concept but it's not my kind of story - Diamond
I love it! Spiked Tears is mine. If you could read it and give advice or bump, I'd be so delighted! Thx!
Story Line: _________ Everyone walks through the door to find themselves inside a dark room with only a table in the middle. As they walk closer to the table they see and iPod sitting in the middle of it. Mar picks it up, "Oh an iPod maybe there's some decent music on here!" Fran is the first to react, "Mar no!" It's too late. Mar drops to the floor covering her ears screaming, "It's so painful make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!" Zach puls the iPod away from her but she she still lays on the floor uncontrollably twitching. Than she stops and looks up, "Omg! Tht was such a trerrible noise it was almost like the screens of someone in pain but magnified to as loud as it could possibly get!" Tristan stares at her, "You should have listened to Fran." Mar can see his lips moving but she can't hear wht he's saying. She can't hear what anyone is saying. Everyone but Mar hears the voice come on saying duck. Everyone but Mar moves out of the way. With out knowing what was about to happen Mar get slammed into a wall of spikes and hangs there dead.
Um...what? You don't need to switch pov's so quickly, and you can't do third person and first person unless you're writing a play. And the "Everyone's" POV and the "Storyline" parts are confusing. When adding dialogue, be sure to start a new line. 8-10 sentence paragraphs, people, this is elementary.
Fran's Pov _________ Omg what the hell just happened!? I look around to see Zach on the floor crying. Tristan looks like he wants to cry but doesn't. This game is confusing what happens if everyone passes the test, and are these here to pick people off one at a time? It's so complicated. I find some way to speak, "C-come on guys we need to rest.." even though ik know one can sleep it's the only thing we can do right now. ______________________________ Zach's Pov _________ I start screaming "Rest, really our friend just died and u want us to rest?!?" I wasn't sure what to expect from Fran but all she said was, "Bella was a friend she just died before Mar we've got to move on. Whats happened has happened no way in changing it..." Sometimes I hate hearing what comes out of Fran's mouth cause ik it's true...
Voice's Pov __________ As I watch from my cameras I can tell some of the contestants have figured out how the game goes. I go through all the players in my head -Bella: was brought here for the fun of it- Mar: Someone I know would care for Bella so the dramatic person of the group also here for the fun of it-Zach: he would slowly figure out how the game goes, yes and thts wht he's doing not much to hold onto but worth throwing around- Tristan: A person with keen senses but can also slowly start to be tortured with the death of his friends-Fran: Also a person with keen senses but not as easy to hurt mentally...- I'll have to try harder with this group very persistant; they are.
It's not about the story line it's about writing something for fun so don't be a bitch and let Fran write