Me too, I have a job and this organization thing, they're just not as often/long. It sucks. Everyone's so busy; no time for anything anymore.
!!!!!¡¡¡¡¡¡¡!!!¡!!¡¡¡My story writing will be on hold for a little my teacher picked me as one of the few representatives for this story writing contest thingymajig I'm supposed to send in a sample of my best writing and write this themed piece and excitement¡!!!!¡¡¡!¡!¡¡¡¡¡¡!!!¡ so yeah all of my free time will be devoted to that not my story thing
Mai' Chapter:1 Introduction (Backstory) "MAI YUAN" A voice yelled ",Here I said Frightfully," "I hated school, Even though I was asian", "Everyone made fun of my name," "But Yui and Ki, "Yui And Ki had been my Best friends, Every since we were in Kindergarden," "But me and Ki had something special," "Everytime I looked at him I would giggle and just freeze, "He was extreamly Handsom His hands were soft and nice curly hair," "One day me and Ki were walking and talking,As always "But,That was a sad day The day my father said that he'd pick me up," "At the bustop so Ki walked me to the Bustop, "When we finnaly reached our destination i was freezing," "It was hours before my Dad came," "Untill a police arrived everything he had on was Ironed and straight", "As he approched me I knew he had bad news", "Mai Yuan?" "He had a very Loud voice," "Yes I replied," "I have some terrible news", "You're father has been in a crash", "What I said in a loud voice," "I'm sorry he wanted me to give you this," "It was a Check for me that read 100,000,000 Dollor's", "I could't smile Or cry I was,more in shock Then happy, "Ki was just as shocked as I was", "Later that night I sat in my bed wit Yui" "So,Did he really die?" "Yes,Yui" "But," "No,Yui I just want to have total silence" Yui,was shocked at how Bossy I was" "I was Just sad I took a deep breath and fell asleep" <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< 17 Years Later 14/2/1 "I married Ki,We had 1 Kid" "Asha,Yuan" "I still had the,money left not a dime spent", "Asha who was 6", "Was a Daddy's girl, "I was never really around her dureing my depresion," "I was never with My mother she was a Drug Addict", "I would always ask my dad" "Daddy what's that white stuff on mommy's nose?" "He would, never reply," I teared up as Ki walked into the kitchen where I was standing", "He.held me his hands were so smooth I felt like I was in heaven", "I could't, Resist Just kissing him his smooth Crisp lip's" "I-I, Can't stop thinking about Him," "It will be ok You have me and Asha," "I-I," "Shhh He ran his fingers threw my Long Brown Hair", "I feel asleep in his,In his Soft arms", "I woke up On the couch My Neck was hurting like hell", "I saw Ki and Asha in the kitchen I walked in", "Steak and Poatatos?" "Mmm-Hmm", "Ki's Mouth was full of Poatatos" "Asha was looking at me as I fixed me a plate", "Mommy Mommy guess what me and daddy made you a Christmas Card" "Christmas was tommarrow we would always vist Ki's parents since mine were gone" "Ki's Parents were rich and Friendly", "I remember before they moved last year we would go and have CoCo", "It was warm and soothing They had the biggest and Neatest house," "I could't wait to be there " "The clicking of Ki's Fork was a strange sound" "So Mai?" "Yes I replied" "Chrirstmas is tommarow aren't you forgetting to make something?" "Oh crap I whispered the cake" "Its ok I already Cooked it just put the frosting on it, "I frosted the cake and handed the spoon to Asha" "She licked it and afterwards let out a big Yum" "After that everyone went to sleep," ()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()() Will Update In a few hours
Okay. Okay. Is English your first language? If it is not, which I suspect is the case, There are a few things to point out, grammar wise. 1. Quotation marks only go around dialogue, (when people are talking out loud), and quotes from another source. 2. Only some words are capitalized. Proper names, like John Deer or Jane Doe, and the first letter of the first word in the beginning of a sentence. 3. Generally, you start new paragraphs when a new person is speaking, and wait until a full stop to do so otherwise. 4. When finishing a thought, you end with a period. Commas are used to combine thoughts, but periods are still used. 5. Sentences need to vary in length, because otherwise they sound unnatural and get tiresome. With the writing of fiction in general. 1. There is a certain amount of suspended disbelief in said stories. The more realistic they're made, the better they feel and sound. The closer you can get to real people the better. 2. In order for anyone to be invested in these stories, characters are extremely important. These are devices with which to tell your story and need to be developed in order to have an opinion form on them, and involve emotion. 3. Description of characters and settings is necessary to set a tone, and allow the mind's eye to picture where it is and how it feels and who is feeling it. While outright describing themselves feels false, it is necessary to give the mind something to create with. 4. The flow of plot needs to feel more or less natural, have some sort of fluidity to it, and while it is very flexible, it's best to go with an even pace. For example, no one jumps from strangers to soul mates, it's the slow progression from one to another. 5. When writing about legal systems, death, or controversial topics, it's best to do a lot of research, to make sure you understand how exactly it would work out in the real world, and if you can't I would suggest that you simply avoid things that you don't comprehend or know about until you do. About the story. It's very fast and not very coherent, jumping from the boy being special to then being married and having a child. There's really no idea of who this girl is, of who her father was, or really even how he went, where her mother is, if she has any siblings, where she lived after he died, and then suddenly seventeen years pass by. There's no real sense of place, or of time, it feels like it might've happened in one day. I can't tell what she looks like, how he looks like, how their child might look like, where they live, how they live, why she didn't touch the money, how her father made the money in the first place. Not only this, but even with the vague surroundings I can gather a real sense of privilege which is okay, but generally uninteresting in how it's written. There's just a general sense of bland, monotonous drudgery that really bogs the story down, both with the language used and the story being told. I would largely recommend you review what you wrote, keep in mind the confines of reality, and rewrite, or even start from scratch. But that's just my two cents.