Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: don't step on the ducks." They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man." The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He is tall, tanned, slim and muscular. St Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman, thinking that this is great, remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity." The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
The Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic Elementary School for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted onto the apple tray. "Take only one God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of Chocolate Chip Cookies. One Child whispered to the other "Take all you want, God is only watching the Apples." (I'm not religious in any way but I just found this funny because when I was in catholic school I remember being in a situation like that) :lol:
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken take out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pulling the blanket over itself sighs and rolls over saying "I guess we answered that question..."
Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up. So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through." He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened. He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?" So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?" To this he replies, "Small world."
I got one... Wanna hear a joke? Women's rights. I know I know but I found it funny the first 300 times... Just like the Persians at Hell's Gate.
"THE WOMAN, THE PRIEST AND THE PARROTS" A woman went to her priest with a problem. “Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?’ ” “That’s terrible!” exclaimed the priest. “But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.” The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?” One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed “Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!”