I want key please. Oh I don't have one? Wow man. Not time left to party. Gotta find a way to get one
A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. While sitting on her new room, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. After a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush to put her upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family asks, "Are they treating you right?". She repleis, "They're pretty nice, except they won't let you fart".
And the Lord said onto John. Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life. But John came fifth, and received a toaster.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-female biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waitress "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immedialty falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is blonde woman with a taser. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. "Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters: "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "You’ve got mail!"
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a roach runs across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"