The Prison Camp

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by *Orisel (01), Jun 27, 2012.

  1. I knew it was coming. The helicopters Filled the air while bombs hit the world. Me and my seven year old sister were told to pack our stuff while the screams filled the air. Packing our stuff into the car, my sister grabbed her teddy bear and dived into the car. When we were finished packing, we sped off as fast as we could while the sound of guns echoed through the Earth. When we were driving, a boom shook the car which caused it to flip over and roll down the steep hill.

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  2. The Prison Camp part 2

    At the bottom of the hill, was a fat tree which we hit. "Mum, Dad, Lucy?"
    There was no answer. Moments later, some German people came and noticed I was alive. I screamed while they threw me into a helicopter and set journey for Germany.
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    In Germany, was lots of people walking around. The Germans took me to a camp in which I was locked with some other people.The food was terrible, the drinks were terrible and the clothes we had to wear we're terrible. A sick feeling came to my stomach when the guards pointed at me.
     
  3. : The Prison Camp part 3

    Immediately, the guards dragged us one by one into the torture room. When you were in there, they whacked you with a cane and a pole. They asked questions which I couldn't answer because they spoke in German. When my torture was over, the guards threw me into the prison camp again. I needed to escape... Somehow
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    The next morning, I woke up and saw a bunch of men and kids asleep. I thought "what would my father do?"
    It seemed like the guards had beaten me to waking up.
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    Running at the rock wall, I climbed over without touching the barbed wire I then noticed the guards had spotted me escape. As the helicopter zoomed after me, I zoomed as fast as I could then dived into the ocean. It was stupid but it was worth getting away from the Germans. I had got away. Or had I?
     
  4. Sorry dude... But the detail is terrible, the word choices are bad, the story is rushed, and there are grammar mistakes...
     
  5. It's my first fan fiction
     
  6. I know... Fix the errors, it could be could.
     
  7. Good* not could.
     
  8. True dat
    Also slow it down and describe the place :) like the buildings and stuff
     
  9. It was good but like he said don't rush it it's good to have more words to take your time with the climax and plotbut other than that it's really interesting