This is my first story I'm writing on PimD so I'm a bit nervous. Give me feed back I like constructive criticism so enjoy! I hope the posts are not too long. The Dark of Light Laura's POV I know that walking home from the mall is simple, even at night. In fact the mall is just three blocks over from my house that I share with my older sister Bianca and my mom, a lot of the time my dad isn't there because his line of work requires him to travel a lot. At the age of 14 I live in a three story townhouse in the middle of New York City, the big apple, and apparently I'm 'gorgeous' since boys follow me at school but I don't believe it. I sort of have a mixed goth, emo, hipster look. Short auburn bob, pale skin, wears a lot of black, average height and have a skinny kind of muscular body. In my opinion if anyone is beautiful it's Bianca. She is your stereotypical girly- girl. Gorgeous wavy, blonde hair, hips to die for and of course her perfect face and tall, slim figure. Most people with her looks don't understand that she's really 25 years old. Bianca is almost always wearing one of those decorative headbands with a flower of bow or something, if not that it will be some flowery, fancy thing in her hair. Anyway, I'm walking down a street when I come to an alleyway that I realize will give me a shortcut to my street. I'm late already so what's the harm? I turn and walk into the alley. It isn't a long alleyway but as I walk through it it seems to never end, but I proceed. I'm at the half point of the shortcut when a shadowy figure appears out of the darkness. It looks, no it can't be. "Derek?" I call shakily. I feel a wave of fear come over. The figure steps into the light and I can see that it is in fact Derek, my old boyfriend. The one that has been dead for five months. I step back. He is just like he was when I knew him, dark skinned, very short, almost bald, dark brown hair, a goatee and small mustache, professional, sleek suit and a snake? He never had a snake! That's not quite the most disturbing part. I mean how has he come BACK FROM THE DEAD!
Still Laura's POV Derek takes another step towards me. The feeling of panic jolts through me I turn and run. All the way I sprint until I'm in the house and into the kitchen where Bianca and mom are waiting, gulp! Bianca's expression reveals that I am in trouble. "Where have you been?" “Uh, out?” “Damn right you've been out! For three hours later than your curfew Laura!” Bianca looked sincerely upset which is odd, normally she couldn't care less. In fact lately she had been acting like she would rather me never come back. That is OK with me, if it weren't for mom I would have left and never came back, alright I probably would not have left, actually Bianca has been more of a mother to me than mom ever has... Wait did she say that I had been out for three hours after my curfew? “Sorry, what do you mean I was out three hours past curfew?!”, I ask frantically. “You know that you are allowed to be out at the latest 10:00 where as tonight you were back home at, hmm let us see, 1:00 in the morning! Mom and I have been worried sick!” she comes up to me and whispers in my ear, “You know she is going through tough times with dad being away again and not contacting her. She does not need you to be going out and defying her. Think Laura, use that brain of yours. It's not that hard." I look down to my feet and realize I am wearing miss matched socks one white with pink polka dots and the other a sky blue with little golden suns on them. I look up and lock eyes with mom, she turns her gaze to her third story door. "Why were you out so late Laura?" Bianca taps her foot impatiently, I look back over to mom who is still staring longingly at her room. She shakes her head and turns back to us. "Answer her Laura, we won't be angry unless it's something really bad OK?" "No, but, you see, I didn't know that I had-" "Slow down! Just tell us the truth.", Bianca told me. She had her signature pasted on smile that it seemed no one but me could tell was fake. "Alright. I knew I was only a couple minutes late so when I saw an alleyway that would lead me right to our street I decided to go down it. Although when I was walking down the alley I saw a shadow and kind of got freaked out and bolted back out and to the house. That is the truth. I have no idea how I went from being ten minutes late to being three hours late, I, I am sorry. Mom and Bianca." Bianca is looking at me questionably when mom comes forward and kisses me on the head then goes and gives Bianca a peck on the cheek. "Good night girls. I love you both." She walks up the stairs slowly and silently seemingly unaware of her two daughters staring at her abrupt dismissal. Once she reaches her door she sighs for my father, once again, is not there to greet her, hold her in his strong arms… wow this is really starting to sound like a romance novel huh? Oh well the point is all the traveling dad does takes a large toll on mom and we suffer. This latest trip to Paris has been especially bad. He has not contacted her nor has he returned on the planned date. Poor mom and us. I close my eyes and yawn a huge yawn then turn to see my sister fixing me with a sickeningly sweet look on her face. Uh oh.
Long update enjoy! Bianca's POV I'm never particularly worried when Laura comes home late seeing as she is the one I'm trying to uh, well either capture or kill, eh something like that, I haven't actually been told yet, but since mom was there I had to act. I have been acting for the past 10 years. Laura is a light and I'm a dark my dad is a light and mom, huh I really don't know. You are probably thinking, what on earth are you talking about? Well there are some people that have abilities, they are split in two groups: the lights and the darks. They are at war, kind of fuzzy on the whole why part though. The lights can control light and the darks can control the dark. My sister doesn't know that on her fifteenth birthday, that happens to be in five days, she will be thrown straight into this war. "OK I know when you are hiding something from mom. Out with it!" "I, I…", she stutters, I can tell she's scared, ugh, I hate that man! "What happened? You look real shaken!" "Derek, I saw Derek." "That is impossible. He has been dead for five months." I protest even though I know that his death was staged. All in the name of the darks of course. "I did! He was right in front of me in the alley!" "Your tired go to sleep." "No!"she yells, "I know what I saw!" I embrace her. "It was dark, really late and you are very tired. Go to sleep, remember you have school tomorrow morning." Anger is threatening to boil over and I have to tell you I would not want to be Derek right now. A plan is meant to be followed not, well not followed! I am going to give him a real piece of my mind! I will follow the plan my ass! Jesus, would it kill him to keep a promise once and a while? Our plan was to later, in other words not yet, show Laura her dead boyfriend. In turn planting a seed of doubt in her mind making her not be able to trust her thoughts, emotions, and we also have a doctor to diagnose her, well at least we have a threaten able doctor. When Laura gets her powers she will seem even more to be loony bin material. It would have been perfect if a certain someone had not acted on his own accord. Ugh!
You should try to not talk to the reader as much, and use shorter sentences in some parts to build suspense. Other than that, it's really good
Yea sry about that I'm trying to explain what's going on and I think after this I don't talk to the reader as much.
Thank you all for reading. Sorry for the wait here is a long update to make up for it. Laura's POV I walk up the stairs to the second story where my room is. One thing about Derek is stuck in my mind. The way the dark of the night just, well kind of enveloped him even as he walked into the light. It was as though, this probably sounds crazy, he could bend the darkness and, control it? I don't know, this all sounds like some science fiction novel now not a romance novel, but right now I am searching for anything to explain me seeing a corpse walking. And with a snake too! Come on, a snake? How cheesy can you get? Oh well doesn't matter. What matters is that I need to figure out what happened, whether a trick of the light or something I haven't even thought of yet. I grab my cat shaped pillow and the wheels in my mind begin to turn. "There has to be a rational explanation for this!" I say out loud, in fact a little too loud I realize after remembering that I'm supposed to be asleep. I quickly flick off my light and lay in the complete blackout. My eyes do not adjust at all even after a while of just resting on my bed staring at the ceiling. I try to count the glow in the dark stars positioned all over it. Finally after what seems to be ages, (really only about 30min.) I came up with three possibilitys. 1. I'm insane and hallucinated the whole thing. 2. It really happened. Time bended and Derek came back from the dead to haunt me. 3. Derek never died. Something happened making me stay longer than I thought and something else is happening that is either connected to this or not. Conspiracy almost. I decide to not choose any as my excuse since none seem quite appealing. My mind flits between other options before I register that a conversation is going on downstairs. I climb down from my bed and tiptoe over to my door and cup my ear to it. I can hear, Bianca?! And another person, a man. Who sounds almost familiar… Who is it? Bump to find out! Or guess if you thinks you know!