Sanctuary Of Secrets

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by *Poisonstar-ShockClan (01), May 28, 2011.

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    My parents , friends , aquantences all dead . Basically for the past 4 years ive been alone except for my brother and sister , their the only ones with me. Also for the past 4 years all thats been going on is nothing theres talk of war. Oh hello there , My name is Arical. I am 13 years old. This place they take prisoners they call it Sanctuary. I tell you its not a santuary but a death house and a mess.
     
  2. Your writing style is mixed and jumbled. :|
     
  3. Sorry, constructive criticism got the best of me.
     
  4. Yea well im writting as i think this is only the beginig on paper i can do better with nartive and fantasy but still kinda jumbled.
     
  5. Its just how I am Dit I really cant help it unless im doin a coop story then Theres no way My jumblness can get the better of me
     
  6. :|

    Sorry, what?
     
  7. You know what, nevermind. Go on lol
     
  8. Writing tip: punctuation is extremely vital :) good luck :D
     
  9. Chapter 1: Avion

    A blonde haired man , about the age of 22 or so I'd say , a great Palidin fighter , walks around and one day stumbles upon me.

    " Hello , Who R You ?" I say to him .
    " Im avion and you r ? " He replys.
    " Arical " I comment.
    " What brings you here , Arical ?" he comments.
    " oh nothing really I go where i want when I want with my brother and sister , since my oarents were killed by the Bloodhounds. You cant see them but when they attack scarlett abd red show up when they do , The killed my parents and my friends , Dead . Their mission is to kill anything in their path " I exclaimed.

    " Looks like you've been busy running from the bloodhounds...." he replys , and with that Avion is killed by a bloodhound and i barely got to know him. Scarlett and Red show and when its over all i Know is he's dead , been killed by a bloodhound.
     
  10. Grammar! Sorry, but really now!
     
  11. And where's the setting? :?
     
  12. Future in a well i guess near the end a " santuary " but for the most part its out in the open
     
  13. Use descriptive term and language to describe in story so you won't have to tell me out of the story. :?
     
  14. So ur argueing about grammer..? 
     
  15. You try reading it and tell me you know what she's saying 
     
  16. Chapter 2: John

    Out in the open I am now and I meet another person , but i cant quite make out his age. Looks ten or so if you ask me.

    " Hello , Who Are you ?" I ask him.
    " What ?" he replys.
    " WHO ARE YOU" I scream at him this time.
    " oh , Im John , Who are you ?" he replys.

    " I'm Arical , Where do you come from ?" I ask.
    " I come from.....I dont know where , Such a strange question you ask." he says back. A flash of scarlett , I kniw thats a Bloodhound but luckly my new friend here isn't killed. I can enjoy this much more than i did when I first met the Bloodhounds.

    Saying i can enjoy this its better than when i met Avion and they killed him right away. Where exactally was this Sanctuary and what was it used for , How would I get there ? There's so many questions to ask and so little answers, Where to begin , What do I ask first? All I know is that This is bugging me and I dont like it.
     
  17. Well theres descriptive stuff saved for the fighting backround thats y
     
  18. Whatever works i suppose. But your post confuses me, is John alive? Did he die? The lack of explanatory words and punctuation is throwing me off :/ I hate to say it.