Year 2000 I was sitting down at my desk in school with my head sleepily resting on my hand when someone walked in. It was a boy, he looked around my age, he was tall, tan, and had shiny black hair that was longish and hugged his head. In other words, he was handsome. I was gazing at him when the bell rang for first period. Our teacher, Mr. Mequard, had introduced him as Chris Lee, a new transfer student that would be in our class from now on. Mr. Mequard placed him right next to me, I rolled my eyes as I thought 'Great, now I can't put my feet up on that chair, but, he's cute'. I greeted him and introduced myself as Fiona Lee and we laughed at how we had the same last names. We soon became close friends and my love for him grew bigger everyday, but that didn't stop my love growing for my 2 other crushes, Jack and Jonathan. Current time {2012} I woke up at the sound of my alarm clock beeping its ass off at me to get up. I smacked my hand down on the snooze button and ended up cracking it in two. I sat up and threw the clock into my collection full of broken alarm clocks. I sigh "5th time this week". I stand up and rummage through my closet, looking for a decent outfit to wear today. I ended up picking out a green sequined top, white skinny jeans and a black cardigan that my best friend, gave me. I walked out of my bedroom and down the lavender carpeted stairs. I walked down the hall and pushed open the French doors, that led me into the kitchen. I fixed myself some omelettes and a glass of orange juice. Just as I finished my breakfast, there was a knock at my door. Standing outside was one of my long time crushes, Chris.
Please criticize, comment, and bump! It's my first time writing a fanfic so I might be pretty bad....Please take good care of me! XD
It's ok. I mean it could be better. It's very... Sequence-y like first this happened, then this, then this, and then this happened, and finally this happened! More sensory details (touch, taste, smells, looks, sounds) vivid details. And get a thesaurus because you are using some words far to much.
Hmm, it's quite good but some things could be improved: (Others may have said this already.) •Include more detail. •Use a new line for when a character is talking. •Include how the character is feeling. •Don't make it into a typical romance story. (Eg: The girl likes the boy and someone else. She dates the boy and cheats on him with the someone else. They fall out, she's sorry, they make up and live happily ever after. Something like that, anyway.) •Use a variety of words-Expand on your' vocabulary. •Don't let your' sentences run on.
I have a copyright on the name Jack so uh... Yeah. You sort of need to ask for my permission and I'll give you a description of his character or you can give me the 10 million... Your choice