Pilot

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by too-tired-to-care, Mar 6, 2014.

  1. Well, this is my first time. Give me constructive criticism? This is just a quick story i made up, not really a plot i want to stay with, but yeah, help me out?



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    "Good morning, Alaska! Today . . ."

    I drown out the sound of the radio. My eyes still closed, but the thoughts in my mind ricocheting around. My eyelids droop open, my vision adjusting. I take a deep breath. I'm calm.

    I move my head to the side, blinking slowly. It's 10:28 in the morning. My heart hammers, but my limbs are numb. It's way past the time for 4th hour. I'm late.

    I sigh and groan. I look up at the ceiling. My fan whizzing in circles. My heart still hammers against my rib cage, my thoughts tear through my mind. A nervous energy electrifies my arms and legs.

    I still don't care.

    I sit up with a gentle grunt, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. My stomach twists and shudders. I gag and my limbs launch into action. I gun forward to my bathroom, already kneeling by the toilet. I heave and retch. Nothing.

    I shudder and sit down, beads of sweat line my hairline. I drag my hand down my face, i can feel tears welling up in my already swollen eyes.

    I crawl back onto carpet, my arms and legs aching. I shudder again and this time everything comes out.

    I groan and bow my head. God damn it, i think, not again. I take a sharp breath of air and stumble up to my feet. I step around the disgusting puddle of stomach acid and dinner.

    I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. Gross. That's what i am. I'm gross. Anger bubbles up at the pit of my stomach, but so does sadness.

    I reach my rocking chair and lower myself down. Air shudders in and out of my lungs. I bury my face in my hands and let out a sob. My throat is already raw from all the screaming i did last night, but i welcome this pain.

    My heart feels clawed. I sniffle and sit back, i bring my arm up and rest it on my forehead. I can imagine the deep gashes on my wrists. In perfect straight lines, they run down my arm and side.

    I shake my head, mumbling to myself. I cough and get up, walking out of my room. I should be getting a call by now. School should be worried about me, but no, no call.

    I cough into my elbow and pause in front on the hallway mirror. My body. Thin, bony, and disgusting. My thighs, also full of scars, are just bones. I grit my teeth and keep walking.

    There he is, my one and only, Jacob. Jacob Hunter. My thoughts fade, my feelings disappear. I smile. He leans on the kitchen counter, shirtless, and with a cigarette between his lips.

    I hesitate and finally get the courage. I squeak out, "i sort of .. i sorta ruined the carpet again, Jay."
    I gulp.

    His eyes glance down at me.
    "Again," he asks, his deep and velvety smooth voice filling me with happiness.
    I can only nod, wringing my hands down by my waist.

    "Yeah," i say in a hushed voice.

    He kisses my cheek and says, "it's fine, i'll clean it up."
     
  2. Why am I the only one who seems to have liked the beginning?
     
  3. Wall me when you update I love the story