Prologue ----------------------- I sat there, crying. In one of my hands I hold a picture. I let go and I cried even more when I heard the sound of the glass breaking. I heard a knock on the door. There he was, the one that caused my pain. He looked so innocent from the time when he was actually not. "I-I- I'm sorry" "What?!" "Sh- She was better" My jaw drops. "You promised me, Justin. You promised!" "Promises are meant to be broken" And with that, he left. I buried my head into my arms and cried. _____________________ Tell me what you guys think! It's my first so it's kinda bad
The concept is good. I haven't seen a story like this. But develop the idea a little more. Use details and explain things. All in all, it's pretty good.
Remember to put punctuation after dialogue. And try to add more description; what the main character is feeling, elaborate on their pain, etc. But overall, a pretty good start! =)
She was better? So I was a mistake, chasing after a boy who never loved me. I swore I could feel my heart crushing. He had never loved me. *Next day* My alarm clock beeped. "Shut up!" I tried to throw it on the ground, but that took about 3 seconds for me to give up. Oh well. I got out of bed and went to do my school morning routine. After about 30 minutes of showering, I wrapped the towel around me, and went into my closet. I looked at the contents of my closet, and I decided to put on a tiger print shirt with no sleeves, skinny jeans, and a leather jacket. I then curled my dirty blonde hair. I sighed. Why am I trying to look good? It will never be the same without Justin. *At school* As I walk into the school's view, everybody stopped talking and stared at me. I spotted Justin, but he was talking to- Wait, he's talking to her?! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Short update I know, but I'm really busy. Sorry guys!
On actually very interested in this. Do continue please. If you need any advice or someone to edit your posts then just message me.
No no no! This can't be happening. He's talking to Aly, who slushied me everyday? Yeah, yeah. Torture me, will ya? Justin caught me staring at him and he smirked. He had a slushy in his hand and he looked like he wasn't afraid to use it. I gaped at him. This is how fast he changed? Justin's POV This was getting too funny. Sapphire looked at me like she saw a ghost. Ah, can't torture the girl anymore. "Do you think we can slushy her? Pretty please?" Aly's voice rang out of nowhere. "Maybe..." "If you won't do it, then I will." Oh, geez. This is not going to look pretty. Uh, well, Sapphire's pretty, really pretty in fact, but when she gets slushied... Meh, she won't look THAT bad. Sapphire's POV I saw Aly walking towards me, with a slushy in her hand. I suddenly realized what she was going to do. I looked over at Justin, and he had a look of concern and amusement in his face. Grrr. Before I realized it, Aly had slushied me. Piercing coldness swept over me like a tornado. Everybody stopped talking and stared at me. I looked at Justin and saw the the amusement had been wiped of his face. All I could see was concern. ------------------------------------------- Medium sized update, my fingers were getting tired. Well, I have a new story, it's called Hope, and I would love for you to check it out! I'll update soon, maybe tonight
I ran inside the school, not caring if anybody is laughing, pointing, or staring at me. I just need to be alone. I ran into the school restroom and rinsed by face. For now, I only have two questions in life. Why is Aly such a jerk? Why is Justin such a jerk? Aly's POV I smiled my sinister smile. That did the little bitch. Now, where was I? Oh, right. Justin did not all look happy when I came back. He bit his lip, and whispered, "I have to go to class. Meet me in the courtyard at lunch." Justin's POV I walked away from Aly, and I felt happy, because each step was taking me further from Aly, and closer to Sapphire. The late bell rang violently as if it were trying to say "Hurry the hell up! What are you, hobo turtles?!" I ran to class and took my seat. Right next to Sapphire. Sapphire's POV Why did I have to sit by Justin? Please please let history be over. I can't sit by him for the next hour! The bell rang signaling next period. Running to escape the history of the doorknob and Justin, I bumped into the worst thing possible. I bumped into Aly. Aly's POV Why did that little bitch have to bump into me?! Ugh. "Watch where you're going, you freak!" A crowd has formed us. Sapphire-yes I know her name- began frantically picking up her belongings. But I noticed her backpack nearby. Just as I put my foot on it, her hand was there. She moved her hand out of the way to not get squished. "My golly let's see what we have in here, shall we?" I said daringly. "STOP!" ------------------------ I did it for you, and now I'm tired.
I applaud your effort. Although for some reason, and this is just an observation, I think you night be moving a bit too fast. Develope the characters more, I see you are beginning to. Good job either way.
Character description update: Sapphire: Dirty blonde hair, eyes as clear as water, tall nose, but not that tall. 113 pounds, a 5'10 17 Justin: Dark blonde hair, hazelnut eyes, tall nose, 120 pounds, a 6'0 18 Aly: Auburn hair, forest green eyes, tall nose, 116 pounds, a 6'0 18 These are only descriptions of characters that has appeared in the story. I hope that makes it easier for you to visualize them.