Last summer. That's when I dropped all contact with the girl I loved. Her name was Brianna. She meant the world to me. But I couldn't be with her anymore. Once she found out what I was going to do, she would hate me. Write me completely out of her life. I wouldn't have that. So I made the first move. Our last day together was devastating I remember it like it was yesterday. I rode up to her house in my white grand prix I got from my cousin. I walked up to her front door and knocked. Her sister came and answered the door and she politely told me, "Brianna is getting her makeup on still she's been in the damn bathroom for 3 hours getting ready for your stupid date." "Thanks," I told her, "tell her to hurry please." She said she'd tell her. 5 minutes later Brianna walks out. She looked stunning with her hair naturally perfectly curled and in a pony tail falling down her back. Her eyes were glowing like a meadow filled with little daisies in the bright sun! She was stunning! She was wearing my favorite dress of hers it was yellow and had stones around the neck that were all colorful and outlined the neck perfectly. She was to say at the least, gorgeous! She was my beautiful angel. If only for one last night. This was going to be the hardest decision of my life. But it was what I needed. It was our one year and one month anniversary it was also her birthday. I owed her one good night before I completely ruined her life for good.
She saw me and said, "Hey baby girl! Did I ever tell you how handsome you look?" "No," I said " I was under the impression that I was beautiful! But not as beautiful as you!" I winked at her. She was right. I did look pretty handsome. My shoulder length black hair was pulled back into a ponytail and I was wearing my favorite white button up vest and a pair of blue jeans! I thought I would dress to impress tonight and take her somewhere fancy! I held out my arm for her to grab it and she lightly intertwines her arm with mine and I then escort her to my car. I closed the door behind her and walked around to the drivers side. I start the engine and we're out of there. Within 2 minutes we've driven completely out of that tiny town she lives in and we're on our way to salem! We pull up to the restaurant and we get seated in a small booth in the corner of the place. I order myself some Caesar chicken salad, I look at her and I order her favorite. Macaroni and cheese! She says she loves me so much. I smile but it was a sad small smile. I tell her I love her too. I see that she's noticed I'm in a bad mood. But she doesn't push the subject. She never does! It bugs me! We continued talking but my heart was never into the conversation. Finally she looks at me and says, "Why the hell are you in a bad mood? You've been sad and moody ever since you picked me up... What's wrong darling?" At that I had to look away. I could never lie to her face-to-face. I looked at my water and up at her I looked at my food and back at her. I was crying now. I look up towards the lights and I'm barely able to make out, " I'm moving..."
She starts to laugh. Then she realizes I'm not joking. I'm serious. She jumps up and runs out of the restaurant. I put a 50$ on the table and chase after her. She gets all the way to the car by the time I catch up with her. I go to hug her, but she just pushes me away. I hold her while she cries. I hold her and I tell her how much I love her, I tell her I don't want to move, that this was not my decision. She believes every lie I tell her. She can be so naive! She looks up at me with those sad beautiful meadow eyes and asks, "When are you leaving?" I stare straight into her eyes and tell her that I'm leaving tomorrow. She cries so hard and for so long I thought she would never stop... I take her back to her house and we get out of the car and I hold her some more. She can't stop crying. I walk her up to the porch and I open the door for her. Her mother sees her and instantly knows I'm leaving she goes and grabs the spare shotgun they keep for protection in their closet. And tells me, "Get out and never come back again, you're not welcome anymore." She escorts me to the front door and I run to my car I start it and just as I was about to leave. Brianna comes running out of the house. I roll down my window and she gives me one last sweet kiss and puts something in my hand. It was the ring I bought her. I couldn't think straight I had to get out of there. I started driving. I wish I could say I never looked back, but at every stop sign or stop light I would look out my rear view mirror hoping she would be chasing me. Begging me not to do this. But I have never felt comfortable in this body. I have to get out. Now!
The next day I stayed in bed til 3 pm crying and waiting for my appointment to start. My grandma drove me to my appointment at 3:30 after my shower. The doctor was pleased to see me. I was his favorite and most-paying client. A year ago i had started therapy to make sure I was mentally stable enough to go through with this transition. I never told Brianna I was planning on taking testosterone. She would hate me. Oh yeah! She already hates me because of yesterday. The doctor took me to the operation room and sticks a needle in me. It is testosterone. My first shot. I don't know why but when I finally got out of the doctors office I felt amazing! I was truly who I was meant to be. I told myself I was completely over Brianna. And that I will find a new girlfriend. People started calling me Benjamin. I don't know why they chose Benjamin. But I didn't dislike it, it had a ring to it! They enrolled me in school as my female name because after all I am apparently the same person. They notified my teachers and the principal to address me as my male name in front of the class and in school just in general. The dance team coach was also notified of my changes and she took them in stride. The year went on as it should I got decent grades and the only people at my school who knew my secret was the principal, my teachers and the other girls on the dance team. No one else knew so there was really no discrimination! The only catch was that every month on the 23rd I would send Brianna a single red rose and a box of chocolates. She didn't know I was back. I had no more contact with her other then that