My first story ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was 8:42 p.m. and I was sitting at my computer braiding my long silky brown hair reading a article. "Copy cat killer helps role model escape from jail". My jaw drops as I see a picture of the killer James Ortiz. The killer who got to me when I was 16 years old. It is 6 years later and I still have nightmares. I pick up my phome and call my mom "Mom! James..he's back!! He swore to ger revenge for sending him to jail!!" Next thing you know I hear a loud bang in the kitchen. "MOM!!" i screech into the phone. "Stay call and call the 911 I'm on my way!" I dial the 9 and next thing you know I hear "Knock Knock I'm back". Next thing you know..my whole world went black.
Okay, so I think your story is alright so far, I just have a few pointers. 1.) Use LOTS of detail. Describe everything that's happening; make the reader be able to picture the scene vividly in their head. 2.) Use paragraphs, please. It's easier to read. 3.) Go a little slower; it feels like you're rushing. Relax. Let the suspense build up, and make the readers hooked on your story. Overall, not bad. ^.^ Bump!
There is the update! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I wake up thinking to myself "Where am I? How many days has it been?" I slide my hand down the cold metal table feeling for anything sharp. No luck. I feel my head and feel a sack over my head. I take it off to reveal a dark room with barley any light. There is a musky smell..gross. I slowly sit up looking for anyone. No one is there. I swing my legs around to the side of the table and get off. I walk to the door and rattle the door knob. Locked. I walk around looking at the walls. Just hoping for a escape route. Next thing the door knob rattles and it slowly opens. In the doorway is James...he says "Good you are awake."
There is the update..its not that good because I was thinking about someone while I was writing it ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I fall back into the dark corner. My back hits the wall. I have been stripped of my clothes and the wall was freezing. I watched in horror while James inched toward me. He said "now to finish the job." "NO!! DON'T TOUCH ME!!" I screeched. He didn't slow down..he came at me faster. Once he came out of the shawdows you could see the knife in his left hand. I ran to another corner as James scowled. He turned towards me "The longer you play this little game..the more I will make it hurt!" Then I hear foot-steps coming from outside the door..it opens. There stands James copy-cat. "I heard you have read about my work"
You could put in some more details to make it more suspenseful of you want.. But the story itself is so exciting!! what's going to happen next?! BUMP again ;D
Short Update..But I doing a double update ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I stare in fear as our eyes lock. I think "I know him..He's..uh..He's... ANDREW!! Yes..from my 7 grade class" James snaps at Andrew "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE OTHER ONE?!" Andrew says in fear "I tied her up-" A scream of fear rings my ears. "I know what scream" i think "that's.." i slide down the wall and bury my hands in my lap. "That's Angi.."
Other half of Update...it's a turn ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ James and Andrew laugh. "Well look who knows her little friends scream?" James teased. Tears start to fill my eyes. "You do understand that Angi don't go down without a fight?" I said trying to sound brave. "She holds out..just wait you will get what's coming to you." I look around "Can i get some clothes please..I mean..you do think I will be here for a while..I mean that is your plan..right?" I slide my fingers on the cold metal table while walking around it. I think to myself "I beat him once..I can beat them again. Let's just play a game this time." Andrew scurries out of the room and brings back my clothes..or what's left of it. I put on the big tshirt with holes now in it and shorts. I hear Angi's scream again but this time I twitch. "What do they want from her?" I think to myself. I walk to the dark corner. "So you guys are just gonna watch me?" I said with a sarcastic tone. Andrew runs out of the room leaving James there. "I will bring you your slop...I mean dinner at 10" James said with a edge on his tone. "Now don't be late I said..I'm just dieing of starvation" i said with a little giggle in my voice. James slammed the door and I heard to door's lock click. Just like that I was running around bare foot on the cold floor looking for a exit. When I hear a gunshot.