It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, Paradox, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously displeased, Paradox groped a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Just as zero people expected he realized that his beloved -immortals-CherryOwnsLois was missing! Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Royal. Paradox had known Royal for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. Royal was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little... selfish. Paradox called him anyway, for the situation was urgent. Royal picked up to a very calm Paradox. Royal calmly assured him that most albino cats sneeze before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually surreptitiously turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Paradox. Why was Royal trying to distract Paradox? Because he had snuck out from Paradox's with -immortals-CherryOwnsLois only eight days prior. It was a sassy little -immortals-CherryOwnsLois... how could he resist? It didn't take long before Paradox got back to the subject at hand: his -immortals-CherryOwnsLois. Royal turned red. Relunctantly, Royal invited him over, assuring him they'd find -immortals-CherryOwnsLois. Paradox grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Royal realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide -immortals-CherryOwnsLois and he had to do it aimlessly. He figured that if Paradox took the nappy, busted-out hatchback, he had take at least five minutes before Paradox would get there. But if he took the Segway? Then Royal would be excessively screwed. Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Royal was interrupted by seven annoying -KrimsonBleu-s that were lured by -immortals-CherryOwnsLois. Royal cringed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he aggressively reached for his potato and carefully punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Segway rolling up. It was Paradox. DUN DUN DUN!!!!! As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, Paradox was out of the Segway and went wildly jaunting toward Royal's front door. Meanwhile inside, Royal was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed -immortals-CherryOwnsLois into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his giraffe. Royal was stunned but at least -immortals-CherryOwnsLois was concealed. The doorbell rang. 'Come in,' Royal explosively purred. With a heroic push, Paradox opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some pestering rationality-deprived retard in a hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Royal assured him. Paradox took a seat tragically close to where Royal had hidden -immortals-CherryOwnsLois. Royal yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Paradox was distracted. Absolutely thrilled, Royal noticed a oafish look on Paradox's face. Paradox slowly opened his mouth to speak. '...What's that smell?' Royal felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Paradox asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden -immortals-CherryOwnsLois right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on Paradox's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Paradox nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Royal could react, Paradox aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. -immortals-CherryOwnsLois was plainly in view. Paradox stared at Royal for what what must've been nine hours. Just as zero people expected Royal groped exotically in Paradox's direction, clearly desperate. Paradox grabbed -immortals-CherryOwnsLois and bolted for the door. It was locked. Royal let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Paradox,' he rebuked. Royal always had been a little oafish, so Paradox knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Royal did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at him or something. Absolutely thrilled, he gripped -immortals-CherryOwnsLois tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels. Royal looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Paradox. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Paradox. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Royal walked over to the window and looked down. Paradox was gone. DUN DUN DUN!!!!!! Just yonder, Paradox was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Royal's place. Paradox had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral -KrimsonBleu-s suddenly appeared, having caught wind of -immortals-CherryOwnsLois. One by one they latched on to Paradox. Already weakened from his injury, Paradox yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of -KrimsonBleu-s running off with his -immortals-CherryOwnsLois. About five hours later, Paradox awoke, his prostate throbbing. It was dark and Paradox did not know where he was. Deep in the hazy lemur-infested moor, Paradox was abnormally lost. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he remembered that his -immortals-CherryOwnsLois was taken by the -KrimsonBleu-s. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enlarged -KrimsonBleu- emerged from the secret vineyard. It was the alpha -KrimsonBleu-. Paradox opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the -KrimsonBleu- sunk its teeth into Paradox's shin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Paradox's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure. Less than ten miles away, Royal was entombed by anguish over the loss of -immortals-CherryOwnsLois. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened gerbil. With a calculated thrust, he buried it deeply into his double chin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Paradox... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was -immortals-CherryOwnsLois that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant -KrimsonBleu-s, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'( LOLz!!1 *** L337 Story Generator v1.0 *** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-present *** Forever pwning with earnest.