This is the first story I ever wrote so if there's any criticism please don't be soft tell me what you think I wanna know Long ago the war of Kara had started long ago for control of land. Many people have lost loved ones in this war including me I had lost my parent. now I live with my grandfather kashikoi and my younger brother Wakai. I am Hiro I have one other brother Akuryo but he left to join the war after the death of our parents but after a few years of being in the war he has gone missing in action. I knew I had to go save him so I set off to the military academy so I can find him. As I am about to leave I hear my name bein called I turn to see kashikoi coming twards me" yeah grandpa what is it."" are you going to leave without saying goodbye to your grandpa and your brother" an as soon as he said that Wakai come running twards me crying" Hiro please don't leave I don't want to lose you like we did Akuryo" don't worry Wakai I promise to come back in one piece I promise" I say patting his head. Than kashikoi says" here Hiro I want you to take this for when your In great danger" he hands me a amulet as he says that" it will only work once so don't waste it"" thank you grandpa" as I say running off to the academy. When I reach the academy I am greeted my two men that are in charge of this place and after signing a few papers I walk into a room and I'm told that I am to wait here for my squad mates. after waiting for a few hours three people walk into the room and then they sit down. There's one man who has that usual army look a buzz cut bulging muscles army suit the whole get up, than there's a guy who has long black hair red eyes kinda scrawny looks like one of those guys who doesn't belong in war, than there's a girl. She's a ray of beauty but I'm not here for that now I'm here for my brother. the big guys the first to talk" good evening rookies my names Dergen I will be your leader and you will listen to everything I say. First of all I want you to introduce yourselves starting with you scrawny"the scrawny guy gets up and starts talking he has a pretty mellow voice" ok than Sargent muscles I'm uragiri Im here because my folks thought that this would help me become a better person but there's a fat chance of that" he sits down than the girl gets up and starts talking" hello all my names hatsukoi I joined the army because I don't want anymore violence so I'm gonna Help put an end to it""do you seriously think one girl can make a difference, most likely not" uragiri says mocking her."leave her alone at least shes no convict" I say defending her."and who are you to stand up for a total stranger" says Dergen." my names Hiro I may not here to help out this war, NO I'm here for only one thing and that's to find my brother and bring him home"" and who is your high and mighty brother" says uragiri." what does it matter to you" uragiri."" well it seems like your going through all this work for just one guy I don't think it's worth it Hiro."" well maybe you shouldn't worry about it uragiri."" well may e you should make me Hiro."" that enough out of both of you uragiri and Hiro another word and you'll be punished to the full extent you two idiots." Dergen finally says stopping us." no need to be so mean Dergen" says hatsukoi." oh great here comes the goody goody" says uragiri"" oh here we go again picking on the innocent girl there's no stoping huh uragiri" I say. Dergen yells out" the next person that says a single word is going to regret it" after that we stood there silent."" that's better now were going to go out to war so like it or now you all need to get along with each other because these are the faces that you will depend on for help when you need it"
Its an interesting story! If you could pause a bit and desbcribe the scene or maybe something about Hiro? Try to make actual paragraphs! Sorry for being a grammar Nazi, but CAPITALIZE and use periods! Also try to make the dialogue really clear, make them into mini paragraphs and not just in the middle of something. Somtimes it was confusing about what was spoken and what is written. Other than that, I think it's a really good storyline!