Hey, so I started making a story, and want your honest feedback on it. I'll update if wanted to. Just let me know what you think of it! Thanks! ~Gabby "Sarah! Come on! Silvie and Josie are here! Good luck! Hope you find him!" "Coming!" I yell nervously back to my mother, and spy the black van with silver and pink zebra stripes out the window that belongs to all of us. While I grab my black jacket, I recall how hard the three of us had worked to pay for the van seven months previously, and how sick I had gotten from walking to my job one day in that cold winter. I had developed hypothermia and frostbite after being mugged, my ankle broken, had my winter gear taken from me, and left to die in an alley way. It had been my boyfriend, Eli Kidder, who had found me. A pang struck my heart as I miss my boyfriend, who had gone missing two months previous. He had last been seen waiting for me to take me on a date. I had just exited the house when somebody knocked me out after quickly restraining Eli. A horn honked outside that brought Sarah out of her sea of thoughts. I tear out of my room, and down the stairway, a strange feeling in my stomach. It wasn't a bad one, but one of the feeling you get before succeeding at something. It was one of anticipation. "Love you, mom! I'll see you later, with Eli! I have the feeling we're gonna find him today!" I exclaim, running out the door to her best friends. "We are so going to find Eli today!" I say, sliding behind Josie. Josie nods, while Silvie speaks up from the drivers seat. "Yes, we are!" I shut the door, and gets buckled while Silvie pulls out of the driveway. "Let's go search the woods behind Josie's house. We haven't searched there yet!" Silvie says, glancing quickly at Josie and back at me for permission. "Sure." Josie says, and I echo her. We reach Josie's house, and all of us dash to the forest after telling Mrs. Hanford about it. HONK! HONK! The three girls hear a honking noise a moment later as two boys pull up in the driveway. "Jackson!" Silvie runs at her boyfriend while Josie runs into Jeffrey's open arms. The scene reminds me of Eli and I's last hug, and I smile sadly as my eyes turn tortured with sadness. "Come on, let's get searching. I think we're making Sarah sad." Jeffrey says, not failing to see the sad smile and tortured eyes. "Okay. Josie and Jeffrey, you search that area." I gesture to a section on my left. "Silvie and Jackson, you search that area." I point to the area on my right. "I'll search up here." I say, running into the woods ahead of me. "ELI! ELI?! WHERE ARE YOU?! CAN YOU HEAR ME?! ELI!" I yell. I hear multiple other voices yelling for Eli. When three hours pass, I slump against a tree, and burst into frustrated tears. "Eli! Please! Answer me! I need you! Please! I can't be wrong about finding you! Answer me! I need you! ELI!" I scream the last word into the silence of the woods as it echoes all around me. I hear a thumping noise, and jump up, looking around me wearily. I wipe my eyes off quickly, still looking around me. I hear the thumping noise, and it's in a code that's familiar to me. A code that only Eli and I know, because we made it. Thump. Pause. Thump thump. Pause. Thump. Pause. Thump thump thump. Pause. Thump. Pause. Thump thump. It goes one, two, one, three, one, two. It translates out to "I'm in shack. Sarah, if you can here this, message me back." I look for a branch, and find a good, sturdy one. I message him back, saying "I'm here. Can you hear me, Eli? Please answer! Message me back. If not, I think I'll die. I need you, Eli. Please, answer me, please. I love you." I pause, then, slowly but surely, I hear an answer. "Sarah?! Don't go, please! I'm in a shack! Come get me! I love you! Sarah!" I hear in thumps. I answer him back, telling hin to just thump his heel pointlessly. I call the police, and tell them the location of the shack, telling them to listen for a scream. I race towards the thumps, and soon come to a little shack. I look around, then peer in the window to see Eli's tied up form on the ground, and nobody else in there. Sneaking in through the window, I watch Eli's head snap up as he starts to yell. "Shhhhhh! It's Sarah!" I whisper, placing a hand over his mouth as a beam of sunlight sweeps across my face. His eyes widen as he takes in my face. He looks relieved, then scared and angry, looking over my shoulder as I hear sirens in the Hanfords driveway. CREAK! I hear a creaking noise, followed by a blinding pain, and I let out an ear piercing scream. The world goes dark as a silky voice murmurs in words in my ear that I cannot understand.
Woops… I goofed up a paragraph. I meant for it all to be in first person after deciding I'm not good at doing it in third person… I did not catch that. Sorry! Just pretend it's all in first person.
I noticed that. You also switched tenses a few times, and there are some grammar mistakes, but besides that, it's not a bad start.️ Keep going!
"Girl? You okay?" I hear a boy's concerned voice, and try to sit up, and feel a painful pang in my left shoulder. "Ooh, ow!" I sit up gently, nursing my sore shoulder. "Are you okay?" The boy by me brushes hair out of my eyes. I take in his very long black hair, his blue eyes. "Yeah, I'm fine, minus my friggin sore shoulder. Who are you?" I look at the boy who looks kind of like my Eli, but not quite. He's way too thin, too muscled, and his hair is definitely too long. "My name is Eli Kidder, and I-" I don't let him finish before tackling him in a tight hug. "Oh, Eli! I've missed you so much!" I burst, looking at his face gleefully and relieved. "Sarah?" Eli's voice cracks as he takes a look at my face. He presses his lips to the top of my forehead, hugging me tightly. Suddenly, my shoulder is hurting again, and I gasp, grabbing my shoulder. "Oh, god, Sarah! I am so sorry!" Eli exclaims, releasing me. I untie his ankles, and he pulls me up. POW! An ankle connects with mine, and knocks me down. My ankle twists, as the hand on my ankle twists it. I feel my ankle break, and scream, swinging the other foot around, connecting with somebody's head. "Damn it! That was my head, you whore!" a silky voice complains. "I don't care." I say, groaning with pain. "You hurt her! I'll kill you!" Eli roars, tackling the man on the floor. I hear a solid thud two minutes later, and somebody lands on me. "You okay?" I ask Eli, shoving him off of me. "I'm fine. You?" "Yeah, I'm totally fine." I pull myself up, leaning heavily on my left leg. "Come on, let's go." Eli locks an arm under mine, and we exit the shack together. "JOSIE! SILVIE! JEFFREY! JACKSON! ELI'S BEEN FOUND! COME QUICK!" I yell at the top of my lungs, leaning on Eli. We both hear various cheers, followed by a bunch of crashes as they run towards us. Eli gets a surprise when I pull away, and lean against a tree. "Come here." I say, pulling him to me. I pull him down to the ground with me, and we sit on the ground, talking. "Have you dated anybody else since I was gone?" Eli suddenly bursts out, and I answer truthfully. "No!" "Are you sure?" "Yes! Would I really lie to you about that?" "I don't know. Would you?" "I wouldn't! Ugh!" I pull myself up, and start limping away from my boyfriend, who thinks I'm lying. As I limp away from Eli and the other four rushing towards him, I hear Eli's yelling. "Sarah! Come back! I was only- WOAH!" Eli yells the last word in surprise as four very excited people tackle him. KER-POW! A hand sinks into my stomach when I no longer can see nor hear anybody. WHOOSH! The air rushes out of me, and a hand sinks into my stomach again, knocking me down. I put my arms up in defense, and strike my foot up right into a gut. I scramble back, trying to dodge fist blows while getting up. I hop up, limping back as fast as possible. "You'll never get away from me." a silky voice murmurs, and I see a silver glint as he pulls out a knife. I leap back as he swings it, and pull myself up a tree with amazing speed. "Oh, is that how it is?" He starts pulling himself up my tree. He grabs the back of my shirt when he catches up to my 13 feet, and pulls me back. He lets go of me, and I let out a scream as I start falling. Immediately, I hear multiple alarmed voices. I hit the ground hard, and groan. "Ooh, ow!" I quickly roll over, and he lands with a thud on the ground. "You're going to die, filthy little whore! I bet you lied to your boyfriend!" He strikes me in the face, hauling me up by the throat with the other hand. He lets out a bellow, pinning me against a tree. I make frantic choking noises, and he hits me again. My head and lungs start aching as the world starts spinning. "SARAH!" I hear Josie shout, as the man jumps, releasing me. "Don't come any closer, or lovely Sarah here dies!" The silky voiced man grabs me, pointing a gun at my head. "GUYS! SILVIE! JEFFREY! JACKSON! ELI! SOME MAN IS POINTING A GUN AT SARAH!" Josie screams, turning pale as she sees me.
This is one of the few stories that means more to me than just a story. I really like it. Wall me when updated again, please.
Oh wow!!!! That's amazing Gabby!!!!! Don't lose this, it would be a great book!!! And always remind me when you update
"You scream any more, and I'll be sure she dies." the man waves the gun in the air recklessly. "This isn't the last time you'll hear from Forrest Celginance, you can count on that!" he speaks again, in third person this time, shaking me roughly. He fires the gun multiple times around Josie's feet to force her to run back so as to not get shot. She runs in the direction of the shack to get help, and he stops firing when she's out of sight. "Now it's my turn to have a little fun." He says gleefully, his steely cobalt blue eyes glinting mischeviously as I feel a sudden bump in his pants against my butt. "NO! LET ME GO! YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS… THIS…" I stutter a moment before continuing. "THIS PERVETED, VILE, DISGUSTING, FOUL, AND EVIL ACT!" I scream out, struggling against his strong grip. His twisted grin grows wider as he starts to struggle out of his pants while still holding a fighting me. He gives up, and starts dragging me away while I still struggle against him. "Hee hee hee." he releases a crazy giggle as we enter another shack in the woods that I never knew about. He throws me in, where I immediately try to make an escape. He reacts quickly, throwing me over his shoulder as he slams the door shut. "You're never going to escape." Celginance cruelly murmurs in my ear, slamming me on the ground hard. I see four ropes, and four stakes in the dirt floor. "Yes, I will! Now, let me go!" I shout loudly, rolling away from the stakes and ropes in the ground. "Never!" he roars, grabbing me, and pinning against me against the ground, punching me in the gut. I try to curl up, gasping. He quickly tears my pants off, tying me up while I'm trying to breath, and unable to do anything. "This'll be fun." He exclaims, quickly tearing his own pants off, revealing his down belows. He leaps on a tied up me, and rams into me hard. I make a choked, painful screaming noise when my insides are throbbing, my knee is sore because he wrenched it, and I'm starting to feel sensitive down below. He finally finishes an hour later, pulling out weakly. "That felt good." Celginance says, glancing evilly at me. He quickly unties me, and makes me put my pants back on, pointing the gun at me. This continues for a year, and he finally lets me put my pants back on, because we're moving to another shack, and because it's starting to snow.. When I'm done, he knocks against me, forcing me to collapse as his heavy bulk slams into me while he starts kissing me. My eyes widen, and when his tongue enters my mouth, I chomp down on it hard. I feel blood in my mouth, and pull away, spitting it in his eyes as he roars in agony, his bloody and possibly a little bit severed tongue dangling out of his mouth. While he's blind with his blood in his eyes, I shove him down, and tie him up, with him on his back. I see all of the blood, and start feeling sick. I run out of the cabin as Celginance says something in a thick, pained voice. "I'll get you for that, you little bitch from hell!" he roars as I run away, not even looking back once. I fall to my knees twenty three feet later, and start throwing up. I see a big and bulky shadow over me as I wipe off my mouth on a leaf. I leap away from Celginance, cussing. "Sarah? Sarah! It's Eli!" I hear as I start to turn to look back, fleeing. I stop dead cold, turning around. I spot Eli, and can feel relief. "Eli? Oh, god, Eli!" I croak out hoarsely, running to him as he leaps clear over the throw up, rushing to me. He pulls me into a hug. "Where the hell were you?! I was so worried, you disappearing the day I was found! Where were you?!" "I was in the s-shack b-back t-there. C-celginance k-kidnapped me." I start shivering in Eli's comforting grip as I remember everything that happened. He looks down at a shaking me in dismay, shock, anger, and confusion. "Celginance? Who's that?!" "The guy that kidnapped me. He's the one who kidnapped you." I stop shaking, and rest my head against Eli's broad shoulder. "We're not going anywhere till you tell me one thing. Celginance kidnapped many girls, and raped each one of them. I know, believe me, I know. Did he rape you?" Eli's voice shakes a little, and I bury my face into his black and blue coat. "Yes, he did." My voice comes out muffled, not quite understandable. "Did you just say yes?" Eli's voice sounds fearful, worried, and anxious this time. I turn my head so I can hear his heart beat, which sounds lovely after not having seen him for a year, and not being able to do it for three years. "I said 'Yes, he did.' Celginance raped me." I reply, feeling tears streaming down my face. I feel some plunks on my head, and realize Eli too, is crying. Why, I don't know. Then I realize they are frustrated tears. "I'm going to kill the bastard, I really am." Eli mutters angrily, dragging me by my hand in the direcetion I had pointed. "You're dead, Celgin- Hey! Where'd he go?! I had him all tied up! He broke the-" I get cut off as the door slams behind me in an all too familiar way. I gasp, shrinking away from the door in fear. "Yes, I broke the ropes. I warned you I'd get revenge on you for nearly biting my tongue off. Hey, Eli, old buddy, dump her. You kiss her, you'll lose your tongue, or almost will. I started kissing her, and she chomped on my tongue hard, then spit the blood in my eyes. You gonna let her treat your friend that way?!" "You're no friend of mine. You first kidnap me, and then you hurt my girlfriend right after she finds me. Then you kidnap her the same day, and rape her for a year and a half. I don't blame her for doing it, you sick- Get your hands off her!" Eli exclaims as Celginance shoves him, and pulls me into a hug, burying my face into his fat chest. I gag from the overpowering stench, kneeing him in the balls. I stumble away from him, coughing so hard that my body is shaking with them. "Oh man, he stinks worse than the dead, rotting body of a freaking skunk!" I exclaim, stumbling over the bottom left stake. Eli automatically catches me a clicking noise is heard, and all goes dark.
1st I'm not a dude! -_- 2nd she knows I'm joking around, we've been friends for a while now. So you chill