Isabella sat on her bed. She had just been told that she had to move schools to 'Dark Thorn High'. "But that school is creepy and dark!" she had screamed. But her mum wouldn't listen. "you are starting on Monday" her mum screamed. Isabella was angry. ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Update after feedback. ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Don't post feedback about it being 'rushed' or 'short' or 'undetailed' because I know. Updates will be better. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Instead of saying angry describe the signs of anger like: her blood boiled with fury, her face burned a vibrant red.
On Monday, Isabella's mom dragged her into the car and took her to the new school. Walking around the school, Isabella saw a lot of lockers. Yet no people. Walking into the classroom, she walked into a cobweb and saw some children and sat down. Next to her was a girl, "Hi, i'm Raven" she said "I'm Isabelle but you can call me Izzy" In her mouth was fangs, and her face. Was white, Her clothes…were black
Countless grammatical errors and no periods for when the characters are speaking. If you know it's 'rushed' and 'not detailed', why are you writing then? Part of a writer's job is to improve his or her writing, and rushing it without adding detail isn't a sign that you're doing a very good job. Just saying.
"VAMPIRE!" screamed Isabella as the teacher walked into the school. She couldn't help it. Ravens face went red. Everyone in the room were now staring at Isabella and Raven. "VAMPIRE?!" screamed the teacher. "VAMPIRES ARE BANNED Because this school is for Werewolves." screamed the teacher. Isabella gasped and almost fainted at them words... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I know this update was rubbish and short