-Bringgggg- Kaley walked into form 105, she had started a new school to get away from all the bullies. She hoped she was gonna enjoy her new school, it best be good. Suddenly a boy pulled a smirk at her and beckoned her, she went to him like a fool. Kaley's POV He told me to meet him by the lockers, I smiled at him, did I have a boyfriend already? I didn't know his name but I was sure he'd tell me by the lockers. When class finished I ran to my locker and saw him there. He grabbed my hand and dragged me to the boys toilets where there was a bunch of tough looking boys, they stripped my clothes off and began to tie me down. I yelped in horror but then they smacked my mouth so hard it swelled up. Then they raped me and soon after pushed me in a cubicle, locked the door and escaped.
Oh I'm glad you like it, so here's more. I lay there, whimpering for help when suddenly Mr Brown walked in, he crawled under and untied me then phoned my parents to come and get me. I told them about the boy who tied my up and they phoned the school and asked for his details so they could contact the police. I felt all achy and saw when suddenly I fainted. When I woke up I found myself in that dreadful place, the doctors. I screamed, jumped up from the bed and ran 3 miles away. I ran into the old abandoned log cabin and made a bed out of some news papers. I found an old dish, sat outside the cabin and began to beg.
Bump! •Try to use paragraphs. •Try to not go to fast, explain what it is like and what happens in each place that you go.
I'll try and paragraph it out I thought to myself why was I begging out here in the cold rain? I knew I was being plain stupid and should just go home, but I didn't want to. They would take me back to the horrid doctors and I'd just repeat it all over again. Suddenly my dads Audi came along, I ran back inside the cabin. He was beeping the car, I felt worried and scared at the same time, was I going to be a tramp or should I go home? I decided to stay here one more night then contact my mum and dad with someone's left over iPhone 4S. Wait, suddenly I knew, there was druggies in here. I could hear them laughing about me. I suddenly tightened my Doc Martins and went up to the druggies.
Agh... I have headache now. Why would someone just abandon an iPhone?? Here's some tips: Paragraphs. You have started doing these, but try making new paragraphs when you start on a different subject than putting them in randomly. Don't Rush. People love detail. If you keep rushing from one part of the story to the next, people will get confused and wonder why so much is happening. It's alot harder to keep up with a story. Spelling. Keep spellcheck on, and always read through your work before posting to check for mistakes. Grammar. Use punctuation! Put full stops and commas in the right place. Also, make sure you use speech marks and start a new line when another person is speaking. Capital letters for every sentence and a space after each peice of punctuation. Description, detail and explanation. What did the druggies look like? Why were they laughing at me? E.g: I looked into another room of the old shack. Four filthy, unshaven men looked back at me, slightly unfocused. Druggies. they began guffawing at the sight of me, a teenage girl sitting in the mud, her only possessions being the clothes on her back. Character reactions. She just got raped. What is she feeling like? Surely she is traumatized. Can she even bring herself to speak? Is she scared? Upset? Or is she too stunned to accept what has just happened to her? Extended sentences. Like I said before, detail. Don't put "I woke up and ran out of the room." Add description. E.g: "I opened my eyes, trying to get used to the harsh bright light coming from the ceiling. Where was I? What happened? Why do I feel so awful? Slowly my vision unblurred and I managed to sit up. I was in a hospital room. I noticed a stinging sensation in my arm. There was a needle in my forearm attached to a drip. Eugh. A needle. I hate needles. I carefully pulled it out, hoping my arm wouldn't bleed. The contents of the drip started dripping onto the floor, creating a small puddle of medicine. I ignored it and looked for a door. Just as I spotted it, a doctor walked in. Did I mention that I'm terrified of them? I had a bad experience when I was little. I may have bit him, but I was 6 and he was holding a massive syringe... "Hello. I suppose you're wondering how you got here." I didn't reply. I was terrified beyond words. He carried on anyway. "I was told you were rapes in school and fainted soon afterwards. You should be fine, but this should help with the stress." I looked down at his hands. He was holding a needle. A big one, full of bluish liquid. As he approached me, I snapped. Too much had happened in so little time, and all I could register was that there was a scary man trying to stick a very large needle in me. I had already had enough things stuck in me for one day. I got up, dodged past him, and ran." There. I think I got a little carried away, but I am just trying to make a point. I'm not hating, or putting you down. Just giving advice. Without this advice that was given to me a while ago, I probably would have stopped writing by now. I follow every single one of these things, which is saying something since I'm barely a teenager and I'm extremely lazy. I hope you take this advice and use it in whatever way you see fit. ᎢᎯᎦᎻ
I though this was my story -.- I ran up to the druggies, who were now beginning to get back up from the muddy floor. I raised one leg and charged straight into their hideous looking faces. Blood came out in small splatters. " Not so exquisite now huh?" They actually looked scared of me! I knew it was 7:00 as I saw on the druggies phone. I decided it was time to be getting home, but what was the way? I had £10.00 so I could get a taxi but what was the taxi number? I felt ever so scared and worried, what if a pedo came and got me?