Chapter one: Looking For The Right Girl- One Jessie Jacobs was wondering why girls don't like him like he was in high school. But now he is in Collage he has many party's to go to and many girls to look for but he had one look at the new girl Jenna Carl's they bumped into each other on the first day of collage their eyes both met at the same time as she dropped her clothes and some stuff that most guys don't want to see. James helped pickup every thing see had then they talked for hours and after they exchanged numbers they text and they also face look each other (Facelook is a made up website I made up) ---------------------- Thanks tomorrow will be better this is my first love novel. Not much of fan fiction. My name is Miranda BTW. New here. Follow me. Make me your tutor. Message me too thanks
I would suggest using paragraphs. It's a little confusing. Also, the story is moving really fast. Add some description; what they look like, what's happening around them, what they're feeling. It kinda feels like the stuff happening is being listed quickly. There are some run-on sentences, too. And some spelling/grammar/capitalization/ punctuation mistakes.