April 12th some.time ago The morning light burst through the peaceful window, a scream shattered the the fragile quiet. Shenika had finally given into the labor pains and began to push. She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Donnika Donniilou. In the room next to them , Necey gave birth to Kayeden, a baby boy. Both with the last name Caldwell. >First Grade Mrs. Mosley passed out blank name tags to put last names on. She seemed to notice how quiet and isolated Donnika was and encouraged the girl to play at recess. Donnika seemed to think the idea of other children was absurd and read advanced books instead. Kayeden teased Donnika merciless especially after hearing the girl call the teacher Momma on accident. Jump to 6th grade Donnika sat Ripped jeans and stained t-shirt in her class of 28 exactly. This number became important because 29 people teased,beat, and disrespected her everyday but only 2 apologized every night. Kayeden would sit outside her house (unknown to her for years) and listened to her father beat her. Donnie,Donnika's father, singled her out but when her younger sisters and mother came into the way they were hit. Her mother was one who wouldnt let a person hit her and get away with it. The fights between her mother and father often left her to clean glass, knives, pictures, furniture and wounds of crossfire. Kayeden began to go by Kyle and was her support after seeing this. >7th grade >The small blonde boy with an irish accent named Kyle was a safe haven, an angel. He informed his mother of the little black swedish girl and her family. When things got bad Kyle would drag Donnika and her sisters and mother to his house for a week or so. But he himself was a chameleon boy whose emotions weren't read easily except by Donnika. She was an ear for him to talk to, a shoulder to cry on and a mind that wouldnt judge. 8th grade >Kyle Moved to Germany and Donnika's family lost their safe haven. They moved out in the middle of the night to their grandmothers (Mother in Shenikas case) Donnika had a hard time in school socially, she was great in academics except for the fact of.her missing days. Her first crush, Andre Raldouf, called her a fat cow and said he wouldnt dare touch any part of her. She had never cried over anything and was not going to for this petty incident. Though she doesnt care to admit it She is very insecure about herself because of this. The abuse in her home had stopped but at school it increased. >Freshman< Kyle moved back to Illinois and He and Donnii, as she now went by, were reunited. They had every class together and had many errors with grades and detentions because of their last names being the same but they seemed not to mind it. they got through Freshman year easily. Sophomore Kyle began dating as Donnii became the isolated insecure girl. And theyre friendship seemed to distant a bit when Kyle no longer had time for her. She began to feel unloved and contemplated suicide more than once. Mid year her Father appeared out of the devil's ass hole and began tormenting her once again. Her mother gave him one last chance considering they were still married. The abuse started again and she desperately reached out for help when none came. The school had a lock in slumber party for the kids. She and Kyle looked at each other as soon as the doors closed, they seperated themselves in a corner. In her sleep, she thrashed as she had nightmare, sweating. While concerned people came to help Kyle Pushed them away and held her. In the morning he took her home, only to see Donnie ♬I wont take the hits anymore Daddy Listen before i go batshit crazy. I was never lazy and I wont start now Im protecting this family like you should have. Take your suitcase and we start up a case Just Go!♬ **Will do two more later**
It's not bad, but it feels like you're listing her entire life just like that. It's moving very fast. Although a lot of the events in that are sad concepts, I didn't feel the least bit sad because you only spent one or two sentences before moving on. It sort of seems like the plot line to a story, instead of the actual story itself. I like the description/figurative language, and you should add more of that. Add dialogue. Expand each moment. Proofread and turn on spellcheck -- there are a lot of technical mistakes.