When You Left Me

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by -HannerBananers-, Oct 21, 2012.

  1. This is my first story so it won't be perfect 
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    The sun was setting with a orange and red background as the cold water washed up against our feet and I laid back in the sand.
    "Maggie, Andrew isn't this amazing?" Lexi said with te happiest tone in her voice.
    "Haha yes Lexi it is, I can believe your parents let me come with you guys on your Jamaica birthday trip Lex!" I say as sitting up in the soft sand.
    Andrew laughed with us and said "Yeah my parents do spoil this little one" while he playfully punched Lex in the arm and flashed me his amazing smile.
    Andrew and Lexi were two years apart but looked exactly like twins, dirty blonde hair with those amazing sparkly blue eyes. Andrew and I were like brother and sister but I had always secretly loved him. Lexi never knew of my "secret love" and I was planning that she never would but this summer everything changed for the best and for the worst...
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  2. Oh man I wanna read more!! Good job!
     
  3. • Try and use paragraphs
    • Use comma's now and again
    Apart from that, Well Done
    Update!
     
  4. That's awesome!
     
  5. Thanks for the tips!! I'll need all I can use :) and thanks guys yeah I got like ideas flowin out my fingers so I'ma update soon 
     
  6. iiLike it :D Hurry up
     
  7. UPDATE
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    "Girls, Andrew!!! Time to head out for dinner!" Lexi and Andrew's mom yells for us from the bungalow.
    "Coming!" Andrew and I yell simultaneously. My heart skips and beat as he smiles at me again and laughs.
    We all run up to the house Andrew getting there first and yelling "I win!" as Lexi and I laugh.
    We start to head out to the car but I remember I forgot my phone upstairs and yell "I forgot my phone upstairs I'll be right back down!"
    Andrew heard me and turns around and yells "Me too" even thou I clearly saw it in his pocket. But we both head upstairs

    I walk into my room an Andrew walks in behind me I suddenly turn and give him a smile.
    "whatcha doin?" I say "your phones right there silly" and I poke his pocket.
    "haha I know but I kinda wanted to come up here with you..."
    "Oh that's okay" I say as I turn back around and head over to the dresser. He follows and stands next to me.
    I turn towards him and he's acceptionaly close to me.
    He gives a smiles and comes a little closer before I know it I feel his hot breath on my lips and I slowly close my eyes.
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  8. Yay! You used paragraphs and comma's!
    BUMP!
     
  9. OMG HAN!! UPDATE! falling in love with my brother? Nice! (btw his name is Bradley not Andrew! ) tho I have one named Andrew...
     
  10. Hahahaha I wanted to use ur name Lex that's why  but that is weird I just love the name Andrew 
     
  11. Return twice after ur dialog it makes it easier to read, each dialog should be its own paragraph
     
  12. Thanks Ang :) and I will update soon, promise 
     
  13. Hannah Amazingggggg I loveeee ittt