Ok...lets try once more hey Bewbs here....again. Ok so after my first brilliant forum find I decided to divulge in more online stories and came across this little beauty....lets just say it's pretty comical. Anyways, hope you enjoy. _____________________________ Last weekend I saw somthing at Larry's Pistol and Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little somthing extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100.000 volt, pocket/purse sized tazer. The effect's of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? Way too cool ! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batterie's in the darn thing and pushed the button, Nothing ! I was disappointed. I learned however that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prong's. AWESOME !!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it could'nt be all that bad with only two triple-A batterie's, right ? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently ( trusting little soul ) while I was reading the direction's and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.. I must admit I thought of zapping Gracie ( for a fraction of a second ) and thought better of it.. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised, Am I wrong ? So, there I sat in a pair of short's and a tank top with my reading glass's perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,direction's in one hand, and tazer in another. The direction's said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasm's and a major loss of bodily control; a three second blast would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst over three second's would be wasting the batterie's. All the while I'm lookink at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and ( loaded with two itsy bitsy triple A batterie's ) thinking to myself,no possible way ! What happened next is almost beyond description, but I will do my best ,,? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head turned to one side as to say, dont do it dummy, reasoning that a one second burst from such a tint little ole thing could'nt hurt all that bad. I touched the prong's to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and..... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.. WEAPON'S OF MASS DESTRUCTION ..... I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tear's in my eye's, body soaking wet, both nipple's on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.and tingling in my leg's ? The cat was making meowing sound's I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room floor. Note : If you ever feel compelled to " mug " yourself with a tazer, one note of caution : there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself !! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor... A three second burst would be considered conservative ? IT HURT !!!! A minute or so later ( I cant be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point ) I collected my wit's ( what little I had left ) , sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glass's were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My tricept's, right thigh and both nipple's were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I belive came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicle's and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return !!! P.S. My wife who cant stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threaten's me with it!