New story idea, I promise I will finish this one. Hope you all enjoy it! And special thanks to -SweetWhiteKitten- because if she didn't make her Rp then I wouldn't have came up with this idea. So thank you -SweetWhiteKitten-! Main character is a girl. WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS GIRLXGIRL IF IT'S NOT YOUR CUP OF TEA THEN PLEASE DON'T READ IT! ~Chapter 1~ I am a Demon who has lived far longer than most Demons, which gives me more knowledge about the human race more than the others. I had a standard life, my family was always gone because they were Royalty, my parents were high in rank and had many things to do. I had always taken care of myself and learned things on my own, like cooking, singing, sewing, baking, and so much more. As time went by and I became older and older, my family grew busier and busier each year. I made a friend, a friend that I fell deeply in love with but she could never love me back. But nevertheless we stayed friends and I began to open up to her more than anyone else. One day I was out walking near the lake to clear my mind, when I a man came up to me and attacked me. He stabbed me to death and shot me just to make sure that I was dead. I woke up in a coffin, I was frantic and afraid, really afraid for the first time in my life. I didn't know why I was alive but I did the only thing I could think of, I broke out of the coffin and up from the ground. I stood up and looked at my hands that was covered in blood but they healed up instantly right before my eyes. There wasn't a single scratch on my hands, I continued to stared at them with wide eyes. I feel a sudden boost of energy and a very powerful bloodlust. A lust to kill and to never stop, my mind went blank and as if I was another person I ran over to the house of the man that killed me. I didn't know how I knew where he lived nor did I care, all I saw was red. I killed him and everyone in his house, showing no mercy, their cries of fear made me stronger. It made me want more... The next day I hid in the shadows and watched the people. I discovered that I had gained powers the night before slaughtering the man who killed me. I caught sight of a newspaper and my death was on the front page, I read the paper and saw that my family didn't even cared that I was dead. I walked away into the woods in rage and I made it my mission to tortured them the way they had always tortured me for leaving me alone and lost. For weeks I watched them from the shadows, finally one night I made move. I entered the house when they were having a family dinner, everyone was there, eating in silence. I made all of the candles and fires go out and the whole house was pitched black. I slowly tortured them, making them go insane before I finally ended them. I heard a whimper from behind me, I turned around and saw the girl that I loved looking straight at me from the door, the moonlight showing the dead bodies. She looked at me with fear in her eyes, I continued to stared at her but suddenly a strong feeling of anger passed through me. Angry at her for not loving me back, angry at her for putting me through so much pain. I sprint right next to her and killed her with a stab of my claws, she fell into my arms, she looked up at me with sad eyes and a weak smile on her face. Her hand covered in blood slowly reached up and touched my cheek and weakly she uttered the phrase that still haunted me to this very day. "I so sorry I never told you this but I love you and I forgive you." A tear rolled down her face and her hand fell down to her sides and her breath stopped. I fell to my knees with her still in my arms, I stared at her with wide eyes. I had just killed the one person I had ever loved, the one person who had ever cared for me. I felt guilty, I felt sad, I felt emotions for the first time ever since I turned into a Demon. I laughed at myself in a humorless and hollow voice. I had feelings, I had emotions...I was a Demon with a soul... }*{ Hoped you guys liked it! I promise I will finish this one!
Here's Chapter 2! Hope this is good! ~Chapter 2~ I entered my new house with a few big boxes in my hands, I set them down on the floor and looked around. I walked back to the Uhaul and grabbed more boxes. After a few long minutes of going back and forth getting the boxes and putting them in the house I was finally done. I looked different from when I first became a Demon, I looked like an adult now. I modernize myself to fit in with everyone else. I walked to the kitchen to put all of my food in the refrigerator and in the cabinets. After I finished I fixed myself a snack since I was in the kitchen anyways. Throughout the years, I got accustomed to regular food again and actually tasted and enjoyed it. I've became a Demon that doesn't kill for fun and isn't blood thirsty, I just carry on with life like your average Human. I continued to set everything up in my new house, I finished putting everything in a few minutes and where I want them. Having super speed and strength tends to help with the moving and placing heavy things, gets things done faster and easier. I walked to my bedroom out to the balcony, even though I don't need a bed since I don't sleep I have one anyways to make me feel a little bit, even just a bit...normal. I stared at the Stars and Moon filled up the Night's Sky. I decided to lived right out the city limit, where there are no lights shone, the Stars showed itself up all over the sky and where it's perfectly quiet. I continued to stared at it, thinking back to the words that forever branded in my mind. I sighed and went to my closet and get on a jacket to go out to the city. I walked the streets and saw the men and women looking at me with a suggestive smile on their faces. I turned my head away from them in disgust, reading their thoughts. I walked into a store that sells laptop and looked around, I needed a new laptop anyways. I went on looking for one when I suddenly bumped into someone. I reached down and looked at the person I bumped into and stopped dead in my tracks. I stared down at her as my mind flashed back to the night I slaughtered the girl I loved, Isabelle. She looked just like Isabelle, I snapped out of my daze and held my hand out for her to grabbed on. Electricity bolted from my hand to my spine and our hands connected, I helped her up and continued to stared at her. "I'm so sorry! I didn't see you." She said in embarrassed tone. She possessed a melodic mesmerizing voice that captured even the most stubborned subjects to her power. I turned serious and cold again and replied in a cold tone, revealing a British accent. "It's alright." I turned and walked away with my hands in my pockets. I couldn't get closed to anyone or I might endangered them. Besides she looked like she was 16 and it's most likely that I won't be seeing her again. But I still couldn't get rid of the fact that she looked so much like Isabelle. I shake my head and went back to looking for a laptop. I finally found the perfect one and went to the front desk and paid for it. I walked of the store and back to my house. I walked into the halls of the new school the next day and went into the Councilor's Office. The Councilor looked at me with a bright smile. "You must be the new History teacher! I am so glad you are here! It's been chaos with the substitute. I looked through your Résumé and I was surprised that you've accomplished so much at such a young age. You are perfect for the position. I'll lead you to your classroom." She said in an excited voice, leading me to my new classroom. I looked around and saw that the room needed to be decorated and the desks needed to be rearranged. "I hope you like the School!" A voice said behind me. I turned around to see the Councilor. Oh she's still here , I nodded and replied. "Thank you." She smiled and clapped her hands in excitement. "Well if you ever need anything, just come to me and I'll help you in any way I can." She told me. I nodded as she turned and left, I rolled my eyes as she left, knowing that she only wanted to get in my pants. I looked at my watch and saw that I still had time to decorate the room and set up my desk. I went out to my car to get the things out of it, I got back to the room and started to decorate it. I finished up and waited for my class to show, I busied myself by thinking of more ideas for the assignment today. }*{ That's my last update for the night! Hope you like it! ^.^
Ok, first things first you can't just come out right with the past and information. It's much more interesting if you weave it into the story. Secondly, the title is a bit…odd. It's not really an inner demon if he IS a demon. You keep saying was in stead of were and you should stay in the same tense at all times. And you need to take more care over certain scenes, you pretty much just said that he went into a house and killed people, you didn't elaborate on what he did, didn't say how he felt, didn't really describe anything. This is the same throughout both updates. You should take longer than an hour over an update, its important to keep editing your work for things you missed or made mistakes on. It doesn't matter if you did a couple of minutes that happened in the story or a week it just needs to be well written. Anyway hope you take this on board!
English is my second language that's why I tend to go back and forth on tenses. And the character is a she not a he. I get that the title sounds weird but I kind of meant it as a type of pun. I'm still learning to write, I worked more than an hour on this because I tend to be a perfectionist in grammar and spelling. But like I said English is not my first language, I'm trying my very best to write it and I think I'm going to rewrite the first two chapter because it wasn't exactly what I wanted it to be. Thank you for criticism and I think the title tends to be a bit of a pun