More than a protector

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by iDontLikePeople2, Feb 9, 2013.

  1. Chapter One
    Tall, dark and handsome

    I sat at the table by the window and got out my MacBook™ Pro. I noticed the other customers staring at me, my pale skin, my black hair. It didn't matter to me. I knew I was different. I started flicking through my photos, and saw the ones of me and Zak. I thought back to when we first met...
    
    21st June, 2009
    Today, I met the most wonderful man in the whole world. He was tall, dark and handsome, and, what's more, when I saw him, I knew he was the one for me.

    I met him at Claire's Coffee house, he ordered a small black coffee, I remembered that part vividly. He didn't touch it, let alone drink it. This was what made me think. Who would waste $1.95 on a coffee that you won't even drink? Who?

    Well, him. Later on, I cleared his table and gave him the bill. He gave me his number. He then walked out mysteriously, and didn't look back.

    ***

    He didn't answer the phone. "Hi, it's Judith, from the coffee house, call me when you get this," I said. I didn't get a reply. Maybe I will tomorrow, I doubt it though, he seems rather mysterious...
     
  2. R u gonna continue?? 
     
  3. Your thread title should be capitalized, except the conjunctions, the story seems kinda cliche and it's a bit short.
     
  4. It's short because I want the reader to want more.
     
  5. Oh, mkay. Well this night sound hideously mean, but I kinda don't want more. 
     
  6. Then, you don't have to read it, somebody else does so I will continue to update. But thank you for your feedback!
     
  7. It's interesting, but I'm a little confused..
     
  8. I don't really see how the story.... I'm confused I don't have the idea of the plot

    1. Add more detail, elaborate their feelings.

    2. What Gracie said

    3. Develop the idea more.

    Good luck!
     
  9. I think you should have stayed on this thread instead of a remake of twilight.
     
  10. I dont see how its a remake of twilight....
     
  11. Not this one his remake of this is like a remake of twilight
     
  12. Whoops i guess her lol didnt really ready ur name
     
  13. How is this a remake of twilight? Lmfao I like it, just add some more details But I wish for you to continue!
     
  14. Lucky she stopped this thread and made a new one after she got critcism on this its "More than a protector-remake" this one is dead, the remake is like her version of twilight. Thats why i said she should have stuck to this thread and not made a remake of it because this one isnt too much like twilight.
     
  15. Just because a human falls in-love with a vampire, it doesn't make it a remake of Twilight.
     
  16. That isnt the only similarity there is between twilight and your thread.